We here at Dirty Tackle have prided ourselves on keeping you abreast of the latest developments in questionable food themed kit fashions. To recap, we have seen strawberry, blueberry, broccoli, octopus, beer, and ham kits from various lower division clubs across Spain to this point. But now this phenomenon has reached British shores with Bedale AFC’s sausage kit.
Why would an amateur club agree to wear a kit covered in sausages? Well, Bedale recently signed a partnership with local sausage manufacturer Heck Food (watch out, Abe Froman), so if having the word “HECK” printed across their shirts didn’t convey quality in the art of tube-shaped animal bits, the sausage blizzard design certainly will.
In addition to the shirt sponsorship, Bedale’s ground has been renamed Heck Stadium and we can only hope they are working on a sign reading “Welcome to Heck” that will put Galatasaray’s intimidation efforts to shame.
While Bedale’s sausage fest kit is impressive, it still can’t top CD Guijuelo’s ham kit.
At this point in time it has become abundantly clear that the sole purpose of Argentina’s national team is to make Lionel Messi’s life a living hell. There is no other possible explanation for the Mr. Hyde cup final performances of Gonzalo Higuain and how a team packed with so much talent can so often look like a group of tourists waiting for the Messi train to carry them to the casino buffet.
The latest indignity for Albiceleste Messi is a 3–0 loss to Brazil that leaves Argentina sitting sixth in CONMEBOL World Cup qualifying, with three losses after 11 matches and needing to climb the table in order to make it to Russia 2018.
“We didn’t expect this result,” rued Messi. “They were really tough opponents, but we expected a little more from ourselves. I think that, until the first goal, it was very balanced, but after the second they killed the game off. At 1–0 we were fine, it was even, but we didn’t know how to react [to that second goal].
“Now it’s a lot more complicated. We have to think about Colombia knowing that we have to improve greatly. We can’t afford to have one more match playing like we’ve been playing, because we won’t get out of this situation in this way.”
Perhaps this is a cosmic counterbalance to the fairytale existence he enjoys in Barcelona (tax issues aside), where he’s won everything possible several times over while surrounded by players who have done their share to accomplish this. But you have to wonder if Messi is starting to regret ending his 46-day international retirement after losing a third major cup final in as many years over the summer for a resumption of this anguish.
Of course, finally winning the World Cup for his country in 2018 would more than make up for all the pain he’s endured throughout his international career, but the team is struggling to even qualify for the tournament. And if they do qualify, they’ll probably make it all the way to final only to squander it late again, driving their captain over the brink of irreversible madness and prompting him to begin a new life as a Legoland ride operator named Tobias Jensen.
Messi doesn’t need this. He could be doing enjoyable things during international breaks—like spending time with his family, experimenting with his hair color, or tattooing and re-tattooing his left leg.
Instead, he had to endure a loss to Brazil in which Barcelona teammate Neymar became the youngest South American to score 50 international goals (Messi has 56 with 40 more caps). Well, enough is enough.
Messi should call it a day, maybe do a Didier Drogba and build a few hospitals in Argentina so his countrymen can’t say he never did anything for them, and focus solely on more rewarding past-times like thoroughly annoying Cristiano Ronaldo at the club level for the remainder of his playing career. It’s time.
That said, if he were to follow this advice, Argentina would almost certainly go on to win every trophy available to them over the next 10 years behind the steady leadership and timely finishing of Gonzalo Higuain in his absence, because life is cruel. Even to Lionel Messi.
A new highlight in Cristiano’s prolific advertising career
The holiday advertising season is upon us and this year we’ve received the gift of a truly bizarre Cristiano Ronaldo spot for a Portuguese telecom company. In the commercial, Cristiano takes up the role Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, reenacting several of the film’s most famous scenes, with his real-life mother playing the role of his mom (naturally).
This is odd for several reasons:
Cristiano Ronaldo is a 31-year-old man (with a child of his own), so being left home alone should not be that unusual.
The commercial has a sitcom laugh track, which the film definitely did not have.
Again, Cristiano Ronaldo is a fully grown adult person.
That said, this is a truly spectacular piece of cinema and we can only hope it is just the beginning of Cristiano doing shot for shot remakes of other holiday classics like A Christmas Story, Elf, and Bad Santa.
What to do when opposing fans express their anger with delicious offerings
Down 1–0 to Lechia Gdansk just before halftime in a Polish Ekstralasa match, Pogon Szczecin’s Adam Fraczczak was preparing to take a penalty when a chocolate bar was thrown at him from the stands. Instead of getting angry, Fraczczak picked it up, took a bite, and tossed it aside with a thumbs up towards the stand from which it came.
While still chewing his unexpected treat, Fraczczak took his spot kick and scored the equalizer. The match went on to end 1–1.
It’s unclear why someone felt compelled to throw a delicious chocolate snack at a footballer instead of enjoying it themselves, but it clearly backfired—not only did they lose their chocolate, but Fraczczak used the sugar rush it provided to blast his shot past to keeper to eliminate Lechia’s lead.
It’s been a trying start to Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s time with Manchester United. He endured his longest goal drought since 2006 and Jose Mourinho has struggled to pull the club above the middle of the table. It seems all this has taken a mental toll on Zlatan, as evidenced by his interview in the December issue of Inside United magazine.
In that interview, Zlatan says:
“I heard a lot of things that the city is this, the city is that, the weather is like this and the weather is like that but, so far, everything has been good. The city is the best city so far.”
Two things:
It’s only early November. The weather will get worse.
Even people from Manchester might be surprised to see someone who has played and lived in the likes of Amsterdam, Turin, Milan, Barcelona, and Paris say that. It might sound like pandering given that he told this to the club’s official magazine, but the rest of the quote reveals a deeper issue might be at play.
“I come from Sweden, I don’t have big expectations when it comes to… how do you say it… outside football. I’m pretty simple, I’m a family guy. For me, they come in the first phase, the rest is less important. For example, when I was living in Paris, in four years I didn’t go to see the Eiffel Tower once — I wanted them to change the Eiffel for my statue but they didn’t do it! Maybe if they do it now, I will go to visit!” [Smiles]
Perhaps Zlatan’s extreme lack of awareness of his immediate surroundings impeded him from fully appreciating all that the other cities he’s played in have to offer. Or maybe he’s already taken one too many Marouane Fellaini elbows to the head during training.
“I want to stay here and finish here,” Ronaldo said. “It is not my last contract, I want to keep going until I’m 41 but now the most important thing is this special moment that makes me happy and my family, too.
“I’m at the best club in the world. Everyone knows what my thoughts are. I want to continue being the best. I want to wear this shirt with pride. I’m sure I’m going to contribute the same over the next five years as I have in my time here, scoring goals and winning titles.”
So why is Cristiano so intent on playing until he’s 41 years old? Well, since Lionel Messi has already retired from international football once at the age of 29, he must be convinced that Messi will be completely out of the game a decade from now, allowing him to finally in his version of heaven on earth: without Lionel Messi out there messing things up for him (pun intended).
No Messi to challenge him for headlines or scoring titles or the Ballon d’Or. No Messi to help Barcelona deny Real Madrid all the silverware they could possibly desire. No Messi for people to constantly ask him about, taunt him with, and hold above him.
And if Messi should play into his 40s as well, Cristiano will surely announce his desire to play until he’s 60. Or 70. Or even 100. He might be a step or two slower at that age, but he’ll probably still be scoring goals and showing off his abs. And above all, he’ll be living his dream.
When Barcelona come to town, clubs are forced to do everything they possibly can to try and stave off the seeming inevitability of defeat. So with that in mind, Sevilla tried to counter the magic of Lionel Messi with an illusion of their own in the form of a levitating ball. Behold!
The levitating ball was achieved through electromagnetic technology. Unsurprisingly, Messi’s wizardry outmatched this hypnotizing science as he scored to help Barcelona to a 2–1 win.
Next time, try making your players levitate, Sevilla.
Barbara Latorre moved from Espanyol to Barcelona in 2015 and on Thursday she scored a spectacular goal against her former club. After evading a studs-up challenge, two Espanyol players colliding with each other, and getting hauled to the ground from behind, Latorre got back up, prevented a last-ditch clearance attempt, and coolly slotted the ball inside the far post.
She could have easily played up the foul and urged the referee to send off her opponent, as we’ve seen so many other footballers do, but instead she kept her focus and determination to score then and there.
This goal has drawn lazy comparisons to Maradona and Lionel Messi, but that does a disservice to Latorre and a goal that stands on its own. Like Latorre herself after getting tripped by a defender.
Anyway, Barbara Latorre is obviously invincible. You’ve been warned.
Some players will do anything to gain favor with the officials
It’s not often that you see a player propose marriage to one of the officials before a match, but that’s what happened this week in the Slovakian fifth division. As FK Nizna and Tatran Chelbnice lined up before the match, Nizna player Lubomir Vajdecka got down on one knee in the center circle and proposed to lineswoman Petra Lepackova, who happened to be his girlfriend (a profound conflict of interest, if you ask me). She said yes.
Nizna went on to win the match 3–1 and Vajdecka wasn’t ruled offside once. Tatran Chelbnice should probably file a grievance with the Slovakian football association.
He also elbows people in the head when he wants (Rochdale AFC)
Rochdale striker Calvin Andrew has been given a 12-match ban—one of the longest in Football League history—for elbowing an opponent during his side’s 1–0 win over Oldham in League One. The incident occurred away from the ball and was not seen by the officials.
According to The FA, “the standard punishment of three matches that would otherwise apply would be clearly insufficient,” so Andrew was given far more than the usual three-match ban for violent conduct.
Andrew’s ban matches Joey Barton’s for kicking Sergio Aguero in 2012. Only Eric Cantona’s nine-month ban for kicking a Crystal Palace fan and Rio Ferdinand’s eight-month ban for missing a drug test have been longer.
