Category: Europe

Pep Guardiola does a miserable job of hiding how happy he is to watch Barca

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It’s been about three years since Pep Guardiola stepped down as Barcelona manager, but on Wednesday he returned to the Camp Nou as a spectator. Ostensibly, he was there to scout a team that might face his Bayern Munich in the next round of the Champions League, but his reactions to the game made it clear that he was also very much a fan. Even though he tried to hide it.

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Projecting Arsenal’s future Champions League misery

Arsenal carried on their consistency in Champions League masochism by soundly beating Monaco 2-0 in the second leg of round of 16 tie to be eliminated on away goals with an aggregate score of 3-3. Anyone and everyone with so much as a passing familiarity with Arsenal’s recent history in the competition — four (now five) consecutive round of 16 eliminations —predicted this exact result, as their narrow avoidance of advancing further has become more reliable than a Japanese train schedule.

It’s with this knowledge that we can accurately predict what horrors will come next for Arsenal in the Champions League. But first, a refresher on the last five years.

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We live in a terrible world where David Luiz feels the need to apologize for a great moment in his career

David Luiz scored an important and unexpected goal, helping his team advance to the quarterfinals of the Champions League despite being a man down for 90 minutes. Naturally, he celebrated that goal, expressing the pure joy that we all chase, but experience far too rarely. And since this all happened to occur while he was facing his former club and doing so in their stadium, he ended up apologizing for his celebration. Because we live in a miserable world where people feel compelled to apologize for expressions of happiness.

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Manuel Neuer hangs out in the center circle during Champions League match

Shakhtar Donetsk’s Olexandr Kucher earned the fastest red card in Champions League history in the third minute of his side’s round of 16 second-leg match against Bayern Munich. So Bayern took this as an unnecessary invitation to run wild, scoring seven goals over the next 84 minutes of play. And with Shakhtar pinned back, Bayern goalkeeper Manuel Neuer took the opportunity to play his favorite position: anywhere he wants.

Bayern’s official Twitter account then wrote Neuer a message from his old friend, the center circle. It reads: “Hello, Manuel Neuer! I’m glad to see that you’ve come to visit me again. Many greetings, The Center Circle.”

Cristiano Ronaldo scored twice against Schalke, was still miserable at full time

Cristiano Ronaldo scored not one, but two equalizing goals in the second leg of Real Madrid’s Champions League tie against Schalke, making him the first Real Madrid player to score more than 40 goals across all competitions five seasons in a row. But even with all that, and Real Madrid advancing to the next round, Ronaldo still looked like he just watched Lionel Messi’s son draw a picture of The Rock kissing Irina Shayk on the side of the Cristiano Ronaldo museum at full time.

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Messi and Pique’s casino night propels Barcelona past Man City at the Etihad

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The night before Barcelona traveled to Manchester for the first leg of their Champions League round of 16 tie against Man City, Lionel Messi and Gerard Pique made a “late-night” trip to a casino with former teammate Cesc Fabregas. This prompted the same reaction it always does when footballers do something that normal humans do: MEDIA OUTRAGE!!!

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Nani scores a goal so good that it made him cry

Manchester United’s forgotten man, Nani, scored a thunderous half-volley from distance in Sporting Lisbon’s 2-0 win against Gil Vicente. And after he did it, he dropped to his knees in tears.  Read more