Category: FIFA

New FIFA president might be Sepp Blatter’s love child

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UEFA secretary general Gianni Infantino (the bald guy who drags out Champions League draws to excruciating lengths) has been elected the new president of FIFA, completing a rapid ascent to the top of the football pyramid made possible by the suspensions of Sepp Blatter and former UEFA boss Michel Platini.

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Man outside FIFA congress demands end to draws

FIFA’s extraordinary congress was called to vote on a new president to carry out Sepp Blatter’s term in the wake of his suspension and put on the show with the aim of convincing U.S. and Swiss authorities to stop arresting everyone. But outside the Hallenstadion in Zurich, one man took the opportunity to voice his desire to end draws in football.

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The most deluded quotes from Sepp Blatter’s suspension press conference

With a bandage on his cheek to match the metaphorical one on his ego, Sepp Blatter conducted a rambling and typically bizarre press conference after being given an eight-year ban (along with Michel Platini) by FIFA’s ethics committee. These are the most astoundingly real and supremely Sepp quotes from this hilarious event.

-An early fake-out: “I am sorry. I am sorry that I am still somewhere a punching ball. I am sorry that as president of Fifa I am a punching ball. I am sorry for football. I am sorry for the 400+ Fifa members. I’m sorry. I am sorry about how I am treated in this world of humanitarian qualities.”

-You don’t say: “The decision has created a lot of collateral damage, my family was mocked.”

-Dumber than they look: “Inside FIFA people could not understand why the president was suspended.”

-Case closed: “There might have been an administrative error, but this was nothing to do with the ethics. This cannot be proven. If it cannot be proven, then it cannot be guilty.”

-An important distinction: “I have never cheated with money.”

-Fingers in his ears: “This committee has no right to go against the president of FIFA. The president can only be removed by the congress. Even suspended, I am still the president. I regret, but I am not ashamed.”

-A parting threat: “I’ll be back.”

FIFA’s official website tries to downplay Blatter, Platini, and Valcke bans

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In a historic decision, FIFA president Sepp Blatter, vice president Michel Platini, and FIFA general secretary Jerome Valcke have all been suspended for 90 days by the FIFA ethics committee. This is obviously huge news that could mean Blatter has already slithered out his final day in office, but you wouldn’t get any of that from the hilariously vague headline that FIFA’s official website used to announce the news.

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