Category: Germany

September 22, 2015

Robert Lewandowski scores five goals in nine minutes, renders Pep Guardiola goal drunk

Losing 1-0 to Wolfsburg at home after 45 minutes, Pep Guardiola decided to make a double switch, replacing Juan Bernat and Thiago with Javi Martinez and Robert Lewandowski, respectively. The Polish striker then proceeded to scored five goals between the 51st and 60th minutes, putting Bayern up 5-1.

That’s not five goals in nine games, nine weeks, or even nine months. He did that in nine minutes. Needless to say, this is absurd and destroys everything we thought we knew about space and time. When Lewandowski scored his fifth, you could actually see the exact moment that Pep Guardiola’s brain melted.

September 21, 2015

Jurgen Klopp is just a Mainz fan now

Jurgen Klopp is enjoying some time off after parting ways with Borussia Dortmund, and while speculation of him going to Liverpool increases, Klopp himself seems to have settled into life as a fan.

Kloppo and his wife went to watch Mainz, the club where he spent his entire playing career and began his life as a manager, play Hoffenheim last Friday. And he seemed to enjoy their come from behind 3-1 win.

On this evidence, if he had to choose between managing Liverpool and cheering for Mainz, he’d probably choose Mainz.

September 8, 2015

1860 Munich’s latest Oktoberfest kit is gloriously absurd

Special Oktoberfest themed kits are becoming something of a tradition for the Munich clubs and 1860’s latest offering might be the most ridiculous yet. With the top made to look like a green vest (complete with fake buttons) and the now standard faux lederhosen shorts, Macron have set a new bar with this one.

August 26, 2015

Bayern Munich’s annual beer and lederhosen photoshoot in pictures

Second only to Bayern’s annual Oktoberfest team outing is their lederhosen and beer photoshoot — the most genuinely joyful exercise in corporate synergy on the football calendar. Let’s take a look at this year’s attempt to make you want to wear leather shorts while getting drunk…

August 25, 2015

Borussia Dortmund resurgence coincides with pizza ban

A year after finishing seventh with a boost from a late surge during Jurgen Klopp’s last days as manager, Borussia Dortmund have gotten off to an impressive start under Thomas Tuchel. They’ve won each of their first two Bundesliga by a score of 4-0 and came back from 3-0 down to beat Odd Grenland 4-3 in their Europa League qualifying playoff. And they’ve done this while not being allowed to eat pizza, pasta, or any other delicious carbohydrates.

August 17, 2015

Stefan Kiessling makes a kid cry by giving him his shirt

Stefan Kiessling has gone and done it. He spotted a kid holding a sign asking him for his shirt and he actually fulfilled the request after Bayer Leverkusen’s 2-1 win against Hoffenheim.

August 1, 2015

Lord Nicklas Bendtner scores late equalizer, winning penalty in German Super Cup

Just two weeks ago, Nicklas Bendtner was forced to train on his own as Wolfsburg manager Dieter Hecking felt he was out of shape and was lagging behind his teammates. But in the German Super Cup, Bendtner proved that fitness is irrelevant when you’re of regal blood. Read more

July 13, 2015

Mario Götze lip syncs the commentary to his World Cup winning goal

On July 13, 2014, Mario Götze scored Germany’s goal to beat Argentina in extra time of the World Cup final. A year on from that spectacular finish, Götze has recorded himself lip syncing to the German commentary for that moment.

June 18, 2015

The creepiest “new signing undergoing a medical” photo you’ll ever see

This is 21-year-old Mitchell Weiser undergoing his medical as he moves from Bayern Munich to Hertha Berlin. Photographs of players in the middle of medical exams before joining a new club are always weird, but this is a whole new level.

The doctor looks like he’s sizing Weiser up for some kind of experimental surgery where he replaces his extremities with live eels and Weiser looks like he has resigned himself to this fate and mentally dissociated from his soon to be dissected body.

Nothing about this is good. Official medical exam pictures need to stop.

May 23, 2015

The very best pictures from Bayern Munich’s beer soaked Bundesliga finale

Bayern Munich have concluded the Bundesliga season with a 2-0 win against Mainz and their annual beer shower. They also set a few more records in the process.