Category: Nonsense

REVEALED: The unofficial template for USSF members to express outrage at USSF

[YOUR NAME AND TITLE HERE] STATEMENT ON [SOMETHING MESSED UP THAT USSF DID RE: THE USWNT]

When I saw the media reports of [something that the United States Soccer Federation did that I, a board member and very important person within the United States Soccer Federation assuredly already knew about], I was shocked, appalled, angry, and [some other word that basically means the same thing]. I have made these feelings clear to [the person allegedly higher up than me on the USSF food chain, who will hopefully be taking the fall for this] in no uncertain terms, and expressed that we must reverse this [course of action, which, again, I already knew about].

These actions do not reflect my personal views, nor the views that we should espouse as the leaders of soccer in the United States. On a personal level, as a father of daughters [or child of a mother/person who once saw a woman in a movie/whatever], I find these [actions which I supported when we began pursuing them, because I am on the board, and everything gets run by us] to be demeaning and despicable. I want my daughters [or daughters I could theoretically have on a separate plane of existence in the multiverse] to grow up believing they can do anything in the world, that they are every bit as talented and special as any man [a belief I would never have held if I had not had a daughter, or need for something resembling decent PR]. Those are values that everyone in [USSF, MLS, SUM, some other acronym that really rolls right off the tongue] should hold. The USWNT are world champions, and deserve nothing but our utmost respect [and only our respect, because if you think we’re going to willingly pay them more, you’re out of your goddamn mind].

I plan to immediately [a word that implies serious action, but can’t be verified] the [person who better be taking the fall] about this issue, and hope to find a swift resolution with our women’s soccer team [of whom I can name roughly seven].

Sponsored post: Leo Messi sometimes doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom

Disclosure: The content of this post was written by a sponsor that wished not to be named. 

Have you ever watched Leo Messi, a player who owes his legendary career to the unparalleled excellence of FC Barcelona, and thought “I wonder if he washes his hands after he uses the bathroom?” Well, newsflash: sometimes he doesn’t.

Yes, it’s a deeply troubling fact that should make you question his judgment on everything from when he doubts the unassailable brilliance of FC Barcelona President Josep Maria Bartomeu and the club’s breathtakingly handsome board of directors to when he suggests that he may one day turn his back on the fans and play for another club. Of course, he is still a brilliant player and you should buy his latest official FC Barcelona shirt and purchase tickets to watch him from a luxury suite at the Camp Nou, just don’t listen to anything he says or shake his hand after he emerges from the restroom.

That is the primary takeaway here. Well, that and the fact that President Bartomeu once saved a child from having the end of Frozen 2 spoiled for them. Actually, he saved children from that horrible fate on 17 different occasions.

Do you know who wanted to ruin the film for them? Gerard Pique. Why? Like Messi, he has terrible judgment that cannot be trusted. Whenever he opens his mouth to speak, just sing a Shakira song to yourself to drown him out and you’ll be much better off.

Also, Carles Puyol thinks shampoo is “demon syrup.” No one has any idea what that even means.

On another note, Xavi Hernandez talks to grass like it’s people and Pep Guardiola wears clothing made out of cat hair.

Of course, if debonair President Bartomeu, with his endless vision, warmth and generosity, one day bestows positions within the club upon any of those men, it will be a credit to his humble genius and willingness to overlook their shortcomings as imperfect beings — an experience that is entirely foreign to him. He is the closest thing we have to a superhero in real life.

In conclusion, Messi has pee hands; Pique deprives children of joy; President Bartomeu might one day cure all diseases known to mankind if everyone is nice to him; FC Barcelona’s board collectively has a robust, Hugh Jackman-like scent; Carles Puyol believes the devil has corrupted most commercially available haircare products; Xavi thinks blades of grass have opinions on politics; and Pep Guardiola’s wardrobe is basically the world’s largest collection of designer fur balls.

Then end it with something like “I am so smart!” — I mean, “President Bartomeu is so smart!” Yeah, that’s perfect.

Xavi’s cease and desist letter to the NFL

To whom it may concern,

I am Xavi, self-appointed Imperial Defender of Pitch Sanctity for FIFA. I am writing this letter to command you to stop desecrating football pitches with your hideously excessive markings and grass murdering behemoths AT ONCE! Though I do not have legal authority over your organization, I do have moral authority over all sporting entities, as decreed by my lifelong affiliation with the ultimate arbiter of all that is good and just, FC Barcelona, and that is much better. Given this, you must respect my command or face the swift and merciless punishment of knowing that I, Xavi, self-appointed Imperial Defender of Pitch Sanctity for FIFA, am dissatisfied.

Though I do not sully my vision by watching English football, I was informed by my dear friend and brother in arms against pitch desecration, Pep Guardiola, of what your brutish spectacle did to the Wembley playing surface. This is wholly unacceptable. Why must you do these things? Are you hoping that all the lines and numbers will distract spectators from the constant stoppages between padded giants bashing into each other? Do you not hear the ghost of Bojan Krkic cry out an agony each time a patch of canvas for passing artistry is pummeled into rotten muck? Are you so insecure that you must emblazon your crest across the center of everything that is good and pure? Does Jose Mourinho put you up to this?! In the name of Deco, I demand answers!

It is far too late to rectify this atrocity, but there are several things you can do in effort to atone for your crimes:

-Personally apologize to me for forcing me to take time out from my busy schedule of counting my Qatari lottery winnings to write this letter.

-Personally apologize to Pep Guardiola for forcing him to express his unparalleled and underappreciated genius on a tragically brutalized surface.

-Establish a charitable organization that teaches children not to paint large numbers on the ground.

-Visit Qatar—it is a magical place that I would probably still endorse even if they weren’t paying me to do so in this letter.

-Plant grass seeds anywhere there is a child with a dream to pass a ball thousands and thousands of times.

-Punch Jose Mourinho in the face.

Complete all of these tasks and I may be willing to remove your organization from my List of Pitch Defilers Who I Will Never Forgive. If you do not complete these tasks, I will continue to write you strongly worded letters until you either see the error of your ways or simply throw them out without reading them. And that’s more than a promise.

Threateningly yours,

Xavi
Self-appointed Imperial Defender of Pitch Sanctity for FIFA

P.S. Seriously, you should visit Qatar. It has a trampoline park and everything.

Sam Allardyce’s guide to remaining undefeated as England manager

This is a follow-up to “Sam Allardyce’s guide to being England manager.” But this guide has been written by Big Sam himself. 

There are three certainties in life: Death, taxes, and England managers getting sacked for disgracing the nation. I knew that going into the job and I was smart enough to work the system so that I would go down as England’s only undefeated manager ever. Here’s how I did it…

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Antonio Conte convinces Roman Abramovich to buy new players by murdering all the old ones

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Frustrated by Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich’s reluctance to fund a much needed squad overhaul, manager Antonio Conte has murdered all of his players in order to force Abramovich to bring in new ones.

“Mr. Abramovich and the board were unwilling to make the changes that both I and the previous manager told them were necessary, so now they have to,” Conte told reporters as he removed a blood soaked raincoat. “Simple as that.”

Each of the last two summer windows have had transfer business deemed insufficient to keep pace with the rest of the league by Chelsea’s manager at the time. For Mourinho in 2015, the lack of investment cost him his job despite winning the Premier League title the season before and now Antonio Conte has suffered two losses in his last three Premier League matches, with the latest being an embarrassing 3-0 defeat at Arsenal.

“It was rather easy to eliminate all of the players,” Conte said. “Branislav Ivanovic had the mobility of a cactus, so he was the first to get it. And as soon as I started chopping, Diego Costa pulled out an axe of his own and helped me do it. I didn’t even ask him to. I said, ‘Diego, why do you have an axe in the dressing room?’ and he said, ‘Boss, why do you have an axe in the dressing room?’ We laughed and then we chopped everyone. Actually, Gary Cahill just fell on the axes without us having to do anything. What a mess he is. Now more than ever.”

Conte added that the only player he and Costa spared was captain John Terry because “he is Chelsea’s only reliable defender even though the club didn’t want to renew his contract.”

Abramovich was not immediately available for comment, but it is believed that he will not be pleased with the prospect of having to pay for an entire squad of new, world-class players and to have the away dressing room at Emirates Stadium cleaned.

When asked what he will do between now and the opening of the January transfer window, Conte said, “John Terry and two men with axes will get Chelsea more wins in that time than the other players would have.”

Barcelona accepting applications to donate a healthy groin to Lionel Messi

The groin injury that forced Lionel Messi out of Barcelona’s 1-1 draw with Atletico Madrid in the 59th minute will keep him out of action for three weeks. “To lose Messi means that football loses,” said Barca manager Luis Enrique after the match. And with that in mind, the club announced they will accept applications from anyone interested in donating a healthy groin to Messi so he can return to the pitch as soon as possible.

“If you think you have a groin that is a match for Lionel, please notify us as soon as possible,” club president Josep Maria Bartomeu announced. “And if Messi is able to use your groin, we will reward you with an autographed picture and a special shirt that says ‘Messi has my groin.'”

Though many of Messi’s legion of fans are likely eager to donate a piece of themselves to help their hero, Barcelona have already developed a “plan D” in case a suitable volunteer does not come forward.

“Worst case scenario, we recall Douglas from his loan and take his groin,” Bartomeu added. “He’s gotten to celebrate eight trophies while only making eight appearances for the club. It’s time he gives something back. Whether he likes it or not.”

If it continued… (Manchester United v Manchester City)

In a match that was treated like a cross between a Champions League final and a UFC event, but was actually just the first scoop of what will inevitably be too much ice cream, Pep Guardiola’s Man City beat Jose Mourinho’s Man United 2-1 in their first Manchester derby against one another at Old Trafford. Though Man United threatened to equalize after falling behind by two goals in the first half, City held on to leave Mourinho with just one win in his last 10 matches against Guardiola. This is only the beginning, but still we must ask, “What if it continued?”

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Landon Donovan’s Unretirement of Epic Broportions

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WHAT. IS. GOOD.

LD BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK UP IN THIS LA GALAXY THING AHHHHHHHH!!!

Apologies for that fuego landing, but your boy has been rum and stoked straight up since lunch at the prospect of making the most epic unretirement comeback in the history of American soccer this weekend at the Stub. Let’s fuggin’ talk about it.

Why L-Deezy? Why did you have to go all American Soccer Jesus on us? Because I felt like it. Plus changing Talon’s diapers is a really whack activity. I love being a dad but that dude’s butt is on some other stuff. But you should expect that when you name you prince after a rad-ass pterodactyl body part.

Anyway, when my man was born I insisted off the rip on a diet solely comprised of Gerber’s peaches and avocado toast — but some garbaggio doctor said that it wasn’t a good idea. Whatever — it actually isn’t my problem anymore, doc. Now all I do is go to training, boss up, get a few ill tocas in with the lads, then go home and we just post up and watch old Dave Matthews Band concert videos and play “dress the kid up like Bob Ley.” That’s the parenting sweet spot. Take notes, America. Thank you, Bruce Arena.

Number 26? Yeah, bro. Good old Deuce-Seis. One of the more visually chill two-digit numbers on the entire number line. Plus Talon was born on that day of the month. Word.

Position? I don’t really care. It means nothing to me. I learned in Cambodia that positions are just false jails that soccer players are put in. This, I believe, also applies to international rosters and non-rosters. (Side note: I bet watching my announcement video made Jurgen Klinsmann sprinkle his lederhosen.) So what if they moved one of the best central midfielders in the league to loft me back into the lion’s den? That’s what you do for a #LegenD. And it’s gonna be dope.

Personal Benefits? Potentially have two jersey numbers retired in the Galaxy Constellation of Champions at the Intergalactic Planetary and Space Museum. Potentially win a league MVP award named after myself. Probably get Stevie G to make funny faces at things because he’s a full English breakfast and was already afraid if I came back I’d be mowing his tea and crumpets on the team sheet.

Definitely gonna dap up my boy the Soccer Don again, tho. Oh and b-t-dubs: no take backs on those retirement gifts.

Previously: Landon Donovan’s Retirement Adventure of Epic Broportions 

Dean Saunders regales radio show with fantastical story about Brian Clough (that isn’t true)

Dean Saunders played just one season for Nottingham Forest on the downside of his career, but in 1991, Brain Clough tried to sign him. Saunders shared a colorful version of the story about his encounter with Clough — a brilliant manager who battled alcoholism — on TalkSport and his audience ate it up with a spoon.

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