Recently I lost a dear friend: my pet turtle Li’l Wayne. For many years, Li’l Wayne has been my closest friend and confidant. He was a well behaved turtle, never judging me or saying a bad word about anyone. Intensely loyal, Li’l Wayne was at my side through good times and better. But now he’s gone. To turtle heaven. Forever.
I can’t believe Mr. Martino gave us so much homework. Now I’m not going to have enough time to finish putting together my Lego Elves Treetop Hideaway tonight.
Pep Guardiola has agreed to host a group of French coaches, including Real Madrid Castilla Zinedine Zidane, at Bayern Munich’s training complex this week. According to ESPN FC and AS, the French delegation (which also includes Claude Makelele and Willy Sagnol) are observing Guardoila’s training sessions this week in an effort to soak up the expert knowledge on offer as they work towards their UEFA Pro Level Three Licenses.
Given Guardiola’s lasting allegiance to Barcelona, it seems highly unlikely that he would actively try and help the man tipped to be Real Madrid’s next manager. So it stands to reason that this is all an elaborate ruse to feed Zidane (and fellow ex-Real Madrid player Makelele?) false information.
Some top tips that Guardiola is probably sharing with Zidane:
Steven Gerrard and Mario Balotelli are men with two very different reputations, but recent events prove that this is the result of Gerrard’s concerted efforts to distract from his own misdeeds.
Pele was recently in London, making sandwiches with Liverpool greats Robbie Fowler and Steven McManaman as part of a surreal campaign for a certain international fast food chain. As part of this event, he spoke to a number of journalists, giving him the opportunity to say the things he always says.
This is every Pele interview ever.
Radamel Falcao is sad. After missing out on Colombia’s exhilarating World Cup run due to injury, his loan move to Manchester United has been little more than a different brand of awful with four goals in just 19 appearances and a demoralizing run out for the U-21s in which he only lasted 71 ineffective minutes. And now Falcao’s friend and former agent, Silvano Espindola, is apparently telling the press that the striker is sitting in a puddle of his own tears.
From the Guardian:
“We talk a lot. I’m not going to say that he feels happy because he’s not,” he said. “We’ve spoken many times and cried together. It’s not an easy situation because every player wants to play and every goalscorer wants to score goals, that’s normal.”
Espindola is right about that. These things happen and it’s important that Falcao doesn’t lose sight of the positives. Of which there are, you know, some. So let’s cheer him up with a few.
Earlier this week, Chelsea’s official website published an unusual article highlighting the low number of penalties awarded to them this season (spoiler: it’s two).
Filed in the “news” section, the article was simply titled, “Penalty Puzzle,” which seems to imply a link to manager Jose Mourinho’s belief that there is a sinister conspiracy actively working against his team. Because puzzles are purposefully arranged circumstances and not the result of mere coincidence, which is something that doesn’t exist. In fact, that’s probably not even a real word.
During his Friday press conference, Mourinho discussed the article. From the Telegraph:
“Our two closest challengers in the Premier League this season, Manchester City and Arsenal, have both been awarded seven penalties, the most in the division,” said the article. “Last term the two teams that finished above us, Man City and Liverpool, were awarded more penalties than any other team bar us.
“Of course it could be that when teams have played the league leaders they have been particularly careful inside their own area. We all have plenty of recollections suggesting this is not the case however.”
Mourinho went on to say that he thinks it was “a very objective article” and “not an opinion article that can lead to discussions. It’s just the numbers.”
Every puzzle has a solution, though. And this one has several.
Gianni Infantino has stopped talking long enough to do the Champions League quarterfinal draw and I must say I am disappointed. First, because UEFA only reduced my ban for that stupid red card against Chelsea to one game instead of wiping it completely and begging for my forgiveness. Second, because they said that my idea to open the draw by using a French referee as a human Zlacrifice to acknowledge that PSG are too good for France was “inappropriate.” And third because I must wait even longer to get my revenge on Pep Guardiola, who gets super lucky again.
Arsenal carried on their consistency in Champions League masochism by soundly beating Monaco 2-0 in the second leg of round of 16 tie to be eliminated on away goals with an aggregate score of 3-3. Anyone and everyone with so much as a passing familiarity with Arsenal’s recent history in the competition — four (now five) consecutive round of 16 eliminations —predicted this exact result, as their narrow avoidance of advancing further has become more reliable than a Japanese train schedule.
It’s with this knowledge that we can accurately predict what horrors will come next for Arsenal in the Champions League. But first, a refresher on the last five years.
Following Manchester City’s surprising 1-0 loss to Burnley, Frank Lampard has made it clear that he wishes to leave the club and join his “pretend home” New York City FC immediately.
