Category: Nonsense

Jose Mourinho’s Burnley numerology REVEALED!

“My assessment is simple. Four moments of the game: minute 30, minute 33, minute 43, and minute 69. If a person at home didn’t watch the game and wants to know what the game was, instead of being in front of the screen for 90 minutes, go just to those four moments — minutes 30, 33, 43, and 69 and you’ll know the story of the game.”

That’s all Jose Mourinho would say after Chelsea’s 1-1 draw with Burnley at Stamford Bridge. On the surface, it sounds like he’s pointing out the four moments where the referee failed to make calls that prevented Chelsea from winning and doing so in a way that might not earn him yet another fine from the FA. But there’s far more to it than that.

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How to criticize anything positive that Mario Balotelli might do

Each of Mario Balotelli’s last two goals have been late winners for Liverpool and each have prompted someone who should know better to criticize him for somehow not doing it properly. At this point, it has become clear that no matter what Balotelli does, someone will find a way to scold him for it. So in the interest of streamlining this process, here are a list of positive things Mario Balotelli might do and ways to turn them into negatives…

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The key differences between Olivier Giroud then and now

Olivier Giroud scored both of Arsenal’s goals in their 2-0 FA Cup win against Middlesbrough over a span of just two minutes, highlighting his noticeable improvement since he joined the club three years ago.

“I believe that he is a different player today than the guy who arrived here,” said Arsene Wenger of the French striker, who was widely mocked for having the shooting accuracy of a drunk lemur in his first season with Arsenal.

If we compare 2012 Olivier Giroud to 2015 Olivier Giroud, we can pinpoint exactly how he has improved himself.

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Conspiracy Theory: Harry Kane is a character designed by the FA and a marketing company

Harry Kane, the 21-year-old Spurs striker currently enjoying a run of form to rival Lionel Messi’s for best in the world, is not the person he seems to be. Of course, that’s easy to say when most observers of the game only just learned of his existence this season, but the creation of “Harry Kane” has been more than a decade in the making. And the objective is to produce the perfect mix of talent and benign likability in order to further propel the Premier League and English football to even greater financial and sporting success.

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The inner monologue of Man United’s press officer as Louis van Gaal defended his long balls

Oh God, what’s happening. What are these papers he has? Are they photocopies of his arse? I really hope they aren’t photocopies of his arse. This is bad. This is bad. This is bad. They’re going to eat him alive for this. What do I do? Should I just run? I can run and run and run and start a new life in Vienna, maybe. Surely they have nice, quiet football clubs where the managers don’t know how to use Microsoft Excel there.

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Dimitar Berbatov lectures Jack Wilshere about smoking

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Well hello there, Jack Wilshere.

I see you’ve been caught smoking again. I’ve been caught smoking, too. But there is one very important difference between you and I in these situations. I look suave and debonair while doing it (as I do whenever I do anything), whereas you look like a truant schoolboy who tells his parents to shut up whenever they say hello to his friends. This is part of the reason why you get in trouble for these things and I do not.

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Footballers looking miserable while being unveiled at a new club

The January transfer window has mercifully shut, ending an underwhelming month that had no chance of living up to the hype that was forced upon it. And if there was one image to sum it up, it had to be that of defender Robert Huth, sent from Stoke to Leicester on loan until the end of the season, sullenly holding up his new shirt.

And if there were five images to sum it up, the other four would be these of 74-year-old Aaron Lennon…

But Huth and Lennon are far from the first players to look like they just watched Requiem for a Dream before being unveiled by a new club. Here are just a few others.

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A collection of professional footballers wearing onesies

Ivica Olic has returned to HSV on an 18-month contract and he made sure he wouldn’t go unnoticed upon arrival by wearing a blue onesie. Though Olic might be the first footballer to turn up on his first day of work wearing the clothing equivalent of a middle finger to good taste, he is only the latest in a line of footballers who have donned the wearable sweat sack.

We look back now at a trend laced with regret and despair… Read more