Category: Nonsense

David Moyes politely sticks it to everyone after beating Barcelona

David Moyes, a once widely respected football manager who unwittingly signed up to become a clown pinata when he took charge of Manchester United, claimed a sliver of redemption with relegation threatened Spanish side Real Sociedad by beating Barcelona 1-0. He even managed to get Barca to score the match’s only goal against themselves (Jordi Alba in the second minute).

As the world sang his praises for the first time in a long while, Moyes was rightly feeling pretty wonderful after the match. But being the good sport that he is, he still took the time to shake hands with several key Barcelona players. Here’s what he said as he did so…

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If it continued… (Spurs v Chelsea)

Spurs gave Chelsea a surprise by coming back from 1-0 down to win 5-3 at White Hart Lane on the first day of the new year. A brace from 21-year-old Harry Kane made him the star as Jose Mourinho stewed in his own conspiracy theories and Chelsea’s defending failed them miserably. This made for a rowdy match and demands that we ask the all-important question: “What if it continued?”

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Conspiracy Theory: Opposing teams actively trying to beat Chelsea

Thanks to Jose Mourinho’s bold commitment to exposing the truth, we have already established that ball boys are conspiring against Chelsea. And after last weekend’s controversy in which Cesc Fabregas was booked for diving when he should have been awarded a decisive penalty in Chelsea’s 1-1 draw at Southampton, he has now revealed that the club’s list of enemies extends far beyond a few snot-nosed kids with complete, unchecked control of the flow of balls onto the pitch.

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The dystopian future in which Xavi is Barcelona manager

Xavi recently expressed his desire to follow in Pep Guardiola’s footsteps and become Barcelona manager once his playing career comes to an end. Though this might seem like a natural evolution for the brilliant midfielder who has been with the club since the age of 11, handing this kind of power to someone who so wholeheartedly believes that the Barcelona Way is the One True Path could actually destroy civilization as we know it.

And how would this horror unfold? Behold the prophecy and heed this warning…

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Future News: Man City take every NYCFC player on loan in hopes of finding another Lampard

Manchester City have decided to take every player signed to MLS affiliate club New York City FC on loan for the remainder of the season just in case they are all able to contribute the way Frank Lampard has.

“Chelsea will be tough to beat this season and we need all the help we can get,” said Man City manager Manuel Pellegrini. “NYCFC have provided us with one of our best players so far in this campaign, so we are going to take the rest of them because clearly they have an eye for talent. I know David Villa quite well already from his time in Spain, of course. But Jeb Brovsky? Kwame Watson-Siriboe? We can only imagine they are just as good as Lampard. And at the very least they can’t be worse than Dedryck Boyata.”

The 36-year-old former Chelsea midfielder signed with newly formed NYCFC over the summer and was immediately loaned out to parent club Man City as the MLS side will not begin play until March 2015. Since then, Lampard has surpassed all expectation, scoring six goals across all competitions. Only Sergio Aguero currently has more for the reigning Premier League champions.

Lampard was supposed to return to the New York club in January, but now Man City are eager to keep him longer, along with the rest of his MLS teammates. But this arrangement might not be limited to just the players.

“If I can’t get world-class performances out of these players, then I might take a more limited role and let [NYCFC manager] Jason Kreis take charge for the last few months of the season,” Pellegrini added. “After all, Lampard didn’t play a single match under him before coming to us and yet he still managed to turn him into one of the best players in the Premier League this season. It’s incredible.”

When asked how NYCFC will be able to compete in their inaugural MLS season without any players, Pellegrini replied: “What’s MLS?”

DT Exclusive: Jose Mourinho responds to Alan Pardew’s claim that Arsene Wenger is better than him

In a recent defense of Arsene Wenger, Newcastle manager/troll king Alan Pardew declared that the Arsenal boss ranks higher than Jose Mourinho on the list of the best manager in Premier League history (all 22 years of it!). Though this is not an entirely unreasonable assertion, it is one that Jose Mourinho would almost certainly disagree with. So we asked him. Except, you know…not really.

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Letters from Bojan: A taste of glory

(AP)
(AP)

The earnest question of whether Lionel Messi could do it on a cold, wet night in Stoke has persisted as a cliched joke for a few years now. So when Barcelona surprisingly sold Bojan, a 24-year-old once hyped as the next Messi, to Stoke City, the only explanation was that Messi personally asked him to go there on an expedition to see if the conditions in this mythical place are as challenging as the fables suggest. This is Bojan’s fourth letter back to his friend.

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