Category: Nonsense

Jack Wilshere excited to be injured for Bournemouth

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Frequently injured Arsenal midfielder Jack Wilshere has joined Bournemouth on a season-long loan and he is eager to not play for his new club.

“I’m thrilled to join Bournemouth,” Wilshere said upon arrival. “I had several options, but this is definitely where I’d like to be injured for the majority of the season. The benches here are first class and the physios are wonderful people. I know I’ll enjoy hanging out with them while my new teammates actually play football.”

The 24-year-old England international has only made 101 league appearances for Arsenal over the last six seasons, including just three last year after breaking his fibula during preseason. Now healthy, Wilshere knows it’s just a matter of time until his next injury.

“Maybe I’ll play a few games for Bournemouth before I get back into the real work of rehabbing whatever I break or tear next,” Wilshere said. “But I know why I’m here and what the fans expect of me: to constantly be injured and maybe be questioned by police about a late-night altercation of some sort. I’m confident I can deliver.”

Andy King’s expert analysis of the Champions League group stage draw

Hi. I’m Andy King. I’ve played for Leicester City since 2006 and I’ve won League One, the Championship, and now the Premier League with the club. It’s been a crazy ride and it’s about to get crazier as we prepare to play in the Champions League — a thing I was pretty sure Claudio Ranieri made up, like that “dilly-ding dilly-dong” stuff. Anyway, here’s my expert analysis of this amazingly real competition.

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Real Madrid president wanders streets offering strangers €200 million for any footballer they might own

Prior to Manchester United paying €105 million for Paul Pogba this month, Real Madrid proudly held the previous five world record transfers. Now desperate to reclaim the record, Real Madrid president Florentino Perez has been spotted wandering the streets of major European cities offering random strangers large sums of money in a misguided bid to usurp Man United.

“It was quite strange,” said Daniel Freise of London. “This man I had never seen before came running up to me on my way to work and shouted, ‘I’m Florentino Perez, I’ll give you €200 million for any footballer you have!’ I told him that I don’t have any footballers. I’m an account executive for a kitchenware firm. Then he sighed and went up to someone else and said the same thing. It was unnerving for everyone.”

People in Munich, Paris, Milan, and Barcelona have all reported similar incidents and Real Madrid officials are beginning to worry.

“Mr. Perez disappeared shortly after Man United completed the Pogba signing and no one at the club has heard from him since,” said Real Madrid spokeswoman Mariana Silva. “We tried to reassure him that we would reclaim the world transfer record soon, but he began to hyperventilate and threw money around the office. Then he was gone. Mr. Perez, if you see this, please come back. Everyone is worried about you.”

DT Exclusive: Jose Mourinho’s advice for Mario Balotelli

Jose Mourinho has reportedly met with Mario Balotelli in order to help the 26-year-old striker find a new club (that isn’t Man United). Mourinho coached the unwanted Liverpool playing during his initial rise at Inter and though the two butted heads during their time together, an affinity for each other has endured. The following is a transcript of their conversation. 

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Joe Hart hoping to shout in Etihad tunnel one last time before leaving Man City

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Joe Hart is reportedly being forced out of Manchester City by new manager Pep Guardiola after 10 years with the club, but before he goes, the goalkeeper has a final wish he would like to have fulfilled.

“Most players would like to have a testimonial in their honor when they leave a club after this many years,” an emotional Hart told reporters. “But all I would want is to gather my teammates in the tunnel at the Etihad and shout inspirational sentence fragments at them.”

Hart has been a vocal leader for Man City, helping them to two Premier League titles, an FA Cup, and three League Cups while also winning the Premier League golden glove in four of the last six seasons.

“The thought of never again screaming the words ‘ALRIGHT BOYS — AGGRESSIVE!’ or ‘COME ON MANGA AND AGAIN MANGA AND AGAIN!’ in that tunnel even though my teammates are standing close enough to not require speaking that loudly, I…I just…I’m sorry,” Hart said before noisily weeping.

It remains unclear where Hart might end up, but any potential transfer could be complicated by interested clubs needing time to soundproof their home dressing room before his arrival.

“ORGANIZE THESE TEARS, JOE! ORGANIZE THESE TEARS!” he said to himself as journalists moved away from him.

Hart’s wailing set off the fire alarms at Man City’s training complex, but the Greater Manchester Fire Service was quick to respond.