Category: Nonsense

DT Exclusive: The Jurgen Klopp halftime team talk that inspired a miracle

Liverpool conceded two goals in the first 10 minutes of the second leg of their Europa League quarterfinal against Borussia Dortmund, replacing the melodically vibrant pre-match unity at Anfield with a familiar gust of dejection. The scoreline held until halftime and Dortmund’s progression seemed like a foregone conclusion, but then something incredible happened. Liverpool scored four times in the second half, with the last two goals coming from Mamadou Sakho and Dejan Lovren, of all people, to win 4-3 and advance on an aggregate score of 5-4.

The Liverpool players later credited the unbelievable turnaround to Jurgen Klopp’s halftime team talk. The following is a transcript of what Klopp told his players in the dressing room during the break.

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How to tell when Barcelona are actually in crisis

Barcelona were eliminated from the Champions League by Atletico Madrid for the second time in three years and have now lost three of their last four matches. This has prompted an all too familiar round of “BARCELONA IN TROUBLE” alarmism that past experience has proven is rarely warranted. So how is one to tell when we’re actually in the midst of a true Barcapocalypse? Here’s a handy guide…

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Zlatan Ibrahimovic generously gives Champions League trophy to less fortunate footballers on purpose

Hello, I am still Zlatan.

Many footballers talk about the charitable work they do. Some give money, others give time, but every year I give the greatest gift of all to groups of fellow players who are not fortunate enough to be Zlatan or work with Zlatan. That gift is the Champions League trophy.

Every year I win many trophies for myself and my teammates. This makes me a champion. Therefore, every league that I am in is a champions league. So that means I have won the champions league many, many times. As a result, I feel that I must also give something away to the poor bastards who oppose me — something that is big and the best, like Zlatan. Because that’s how Zlelfless I am.

Now you are probably thinking “But, All-Powerful Zlatan, this means you also giving lucky fraud Pep Guardiola the opportunity to win the Champions League!” This is missing the point. I don’t think about Pep Guardiola. I spend all my time thinking about how I don’t think about Pep Guardiola. What I am actually doing is giving his players the chance to win the Champions League because, as someone who Zluffered through working with him myself, I know how much they deserve it for having to endure his stupidity.

My critics and Zlaters always point to the fact that I have not won the Champions League as evidence that I am not as great as I am. So now that I have revealed the reason for this, I hope they feel bad about everything they have ever done. Their quiet shame will be an acceptable apology to me.

Though Man City did not truly deserve to beat PSG, I hope that Manuel Pellegrini can win the Champions League title I so generously bequeathed because I would find it Zlilarious if another man prematurely replaced by Pep Guardiola — a terrible manager who I am still not thinking about — won this trophy before Pep takes his job and proves he cannot do the same thing. And if Pellegrini can’t do it, then I hope Simeone wins it since he will be the top general in my intergalactic army one day.

So to recap: I have won the champions league many times, but I don’t win the Champions League on purpose out of the kindness of my Zleart, I only care about Pep Guardiola just enough to hate him more than anyone else in the world, I am going to conquer the universe with General Simeone, and if anyone mentions how I haven’t won the Champions League again, I will kick them in the pancreas so hard that it will turn into a giraffe.

The Zlend.

Louis van Gaal attempts to declare his entire Man United reign an April Fools’ prank

Louis van Gaal used his April 1 press conference to attempt to claim that everything he’s done in his nearly two full seasons as manager of Manchester United has been part of an elaborate April Fools’ Day prank.

Van Gaal walked into the press room at the club’s training complex and immediately shouted the words “April Fools’!” When asked what he was referring to, the Dutchman said “Everything!” When he saw that no one in the room believed him, he muttered “Damn, I thought that might work.” He then added, “It was worth a try.”

After an awkward, prolonged silence, the gathered journalists moved forward with their questioning of Van Gaal as if his strange outburst never happened. Not taking the hint, Van Gaal answered each of their questions simply by saying “April Fools’!”

The journalists quickly tired of his routine and stopped asking him questions all together. Van Gaal then slammed his fists on the table, shouted “Fine!” and marched towards the door.

Finally, he turned around pointed at everyone in the room and said, “You’re all the April Fools! And May Fools and June Fools!” Then he left.

Those present all agreed that it was Van Gaal’s least embarrassing interaction with the press since arriving in Manchester.

Unintentional burns with Lionel Messi

When asked about his relationship with Diego Maradona, Lionel Messi revealed that the two haven’t spoken since professional circumstances last required them to. But he said this in an interesting way.

From ESPNFC:

“We haven’t spoken in a long time, since the World Cup [2010] we may have crossed paths once or twice,” Messi said in Spanish on Egyptian TV. “He has his life, his things and I have mine. We haven’t spoken at all. Considering that we don’t speak to each other, I have a great relationship with him.”

Though almost certainly unintentional, that last sentence is a pretty wicked burn and amusing coming from someone like Messi, who is almost superhumanly inoffensive. It also got me thinking about some other unintentional burns Messi might say. Here are a few…

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Future News: Marouane Fellaini admits belief that opponents’ heads are filled with candy

Manchester United midfielder/desperation striker Marouane Fellaini has admitted to a long-held belief that opposing footballers’ heads are filled with candy, prompting his intense desire to elbow it free. His teammates informed him that this isn’t the case after losing to rivals Liverpool by an aggregate score of 3-1.

“Ever since I first saw a piñata, I have always been convinced that my opponents heads also contain sweet, delicious candy,” said Fellaini, who was booked for elbowing Liverpool defender Dejan Lovren in the second leg of the tie. “I like candy. I like candy a lot. But when I tried to bring a large stick onto the pitch for a match, they wouldn’t let me. So ever since I’ve just tried to bash their heads open with my elbows so the candy can come out and I can have it.”

The Belgian added: “I’ve had teammates try to convince me that this isn’t true in the past, but I never believed them. I just thought they were trying to keep more candy for themselves. But I now accept that this isn’t the case and I apologize for trying to elbow the non-existent candy out of opposing players for so long.”

Though Fellaini has backed off of this belief, he says that he has developed a new theory about embattled Man United manager Louis van Gaal.

“Van Gaal’s head has to be filled with candy,” Fellaini said. “Of that I am certain. I mean, it’s the only way you can explain all of this — me playing as a striker, the things he says, the players he’s brought in. If that’s not the mark of a man with candy for brains, then I don’t know what is.”

Asked if he will now stop elbowing opponents in the head after coming to terms with the truth and apologizing for his actions, Fellaini said, “What? No. Why would I?”