Category: Nonsense

If it continued… (Arsenal v Chelsea)

Arsenal found a way to lose to Chelsea yet again, extending their scoreless streak in league matches against the Blues to over nine hours in the process. An 18th-minute Per Mertesacker red card and a 23rd-minute Diego Costa goal proved too much for them to overcome, even though Chelsea made it look like it was 10v10 in the second half. Given this near even battle between a club having a terrible season and a club that only plays like they are when they get too close to first place, we had to ask “What if it continued?”

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Letters from Bojan: A word of caution

The earnest question of whether Lionel Messi could do it on a cold, wet night in Stoke has persisted as a cliched joke for a few years now. So when Barcelona surprisingly sold Bojan, a 24-year-old once hyped as the next Messi, to Stoke City, the only explanation was that Messi personally asked him to go there on an expedition to see if the conditions in this mythical place are as challenging as the fables suggest. This is Bojan’s eighth letter back to his friend.

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Worst Case Scenario: Zidane’s time as manager of Real Madrid

A little more than two months after he said he wasn’t yet ready for the job, Zinedine Zidane has been named Real Madrid manager with Rafa Benitez getting sacked in the middle of his first season. The continuation of Real Madrid’s constant state of trophy producing turmoil by throwing an inexperienced manager in at the middle of a season is seen by many as problematic. With that in mind, the following is just one iteration of the worst case scenario that might unfold.

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Conspiracy Theory: Rafa Benitez wants to wear Jose Mourinho’s skin

It started innocently enough. Rafa Benitez succeeded his old rival, Jose Mourinho, at Inter in the summer of 2010. After all, there are only so many top jobs in football and there’s a certain logic that says an opening with a club that just won the treble weeks before is impossible for any manager to pass up.

But then, after quickly washing out at Inter and disappearing for two years, Benitez took over Chelsea, the club Mourinho managed when they were direct and frequent adversaries. This was strange. Especially since Benitez had previously said that he wouldn’t work for this club. But, again, there are only so many top jobs and Benitez had to take what he could get in the wake of his swift dismissal at Inter.

Then, after two years with Napoli (perhaps just to throw off the suspicious and put a hiccup in the developing pattern), he somehow fell upward to another one of Mourinho’s former clubs: Real Madrid.

Benitez started both his playing career and managerial career at Real Madrid and it had long been regarded as his dream job, though. A fact that was enough to limit any talk of a dark quest to experience what Jose Mourinho has experienced to jokes and put downs.

Now Benitez is going a step further and saying what Mourinho says, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that his life’s mission is to wear Jose Mourinho’s skin like some kind of Special Onesie.

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If it continued…and thankfully it didn’t (Man Utd v Chelsea)

Manchester United and Chelsea, two clubs with uncertain managerial situations that both exist under the shadow of Jose Mourinho, played a miserable scoreless draw to end the calendar year. Thankfully, the match came to a merciful end that allowed all interested parties to move on with their lives and pursue more fulfilling endeavors. But since we have a masochistic streak here at Dirty Tackle, we feel compelled to ask, “What if it continued?”

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Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s expert analysis of the Euro 2016 draw

The Champions League round of 16 draw was boring and put PSG with Chelsea again, so I will provide my expert Zlanalysis of the Euro 2016 draw instead.

Every time there is a draw for a major tournament, there is only one thing people want to talk about: which group is the most difficult. There is even a name given to the group that is the toughest and most feared. But now this group has a new name. The Group of Zlatan.

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Louis van Gaal’s suggested expectations for Manchester United fans

Between getting dumped from the Champions League to the Europa League and losing to Bournemouth, Louis van Gaal warned Manchester United fans that it was time to recalibrate their expectations and that the club’s days of dominating the Premier League are over.

From the Guardian:

“They say a club like Manchester United has to win,” the manager said. “That’s the past. You have to analyse the club now. Now we have much more clubs who have money … also the structure and are able to win something.”

So what exactly should Man United supporters expect? Here are some examples that should help keep them from being disappointed:

-Losing to newly promoted clubs that would spontaneously combust if they even looked at Man United’s wage bill.

-Settling into a continental competition that features the likes of the club that finished seventh in the Swiss Super League last season.

-A healthy assortment of sideways passes mixed in with the usual backpasses.

-Crying an average of one to two times per week.

-An endless string of managers who are not Sir Alex Ferguson.

-Consistently losing to lower division clubs in the Capital One Cup.

-Twinges of regret over the treatment of David Moyes.

-Wayne Rooney playing like he chugged a gallon of milk just before kickoff.

-Being linked to the likes of Neymar, Cristiano Ronaldo, and Gareth Bale but signing the crippled ghost of Bastian Schweinsteiger.

-Watching Chicharito gleefully score goal after goal for someone else.

-A strong urge to devote Saturdays to new hobbies and interests, like sitting alone in a dark room.

-Feeling that a once strong sense of superiority is nothing but a distant memory.

-Being able to relate to supporters of every other club in the world.