Category: Nonsense

DT Exclusive: A commercial director explains his “Jingle Bells” idea to Cristiano Ronaldo

Director: OK, Cristiano, we have to do a holiday advertisement for these terrible headphones so I thought we’d do a unique take on “Jingle Bells” where you perform the song at home while doing everyday things.

Cristiano: Oh, so you want me to sing “Jingle Bells” with my shirt off? OK. We can do that. No problem.

Director: No, actually, we would just have you do things like brush your teeth and make toast and we’d edit it to sound like the song. No singing necessary.

Cristiano: But I would still be shirtless.

Director: Well, not necessarily. It would be you wearing the headphones and banging on the wall or going up and down the stairs.

Cristiano: And I whistle the song while I walk? OK, let’s do it.

Director: No, there’s no whistling either. Just the sounds of these various actions cut together to make the song.

Cristiano: Walking up the stairs doesn’t sound like “Jingle Bells.” Would you put bells inside the stairs or on my feet?

Director: No no no, there would be no actual bells. Just the normal sounds those actions make. Then we’ll edit it to sound like the song “Jingle Bells” later.

Cristiano: Oh, so I’d sing the song in the studio after we film everything. I can sing a Rihanna song instead.

Director: No. There is no singing at any point. It’s just the sounds.

Cristiano: So you’d put bells on my tooth brush?

Director: NO! There will be no bells and no singing and no whistling. Just do what I tell you and it will work out fine. I promise. OK? Can we do this please?

Cristiano: Fine. But in January, I’m going to demand a transfer to another production company.

Director: Whatever. Let’s just get this over with.

Cristiano: Yes. Give me the lyrics and we can start.

Director: (weeps…to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

Why none of the 2015 Ballon d’Or finalists deserve the award

The Ballon d’or nominees have been announced and, as usual, everyone has opinions on them. Even the nominees themselves. Neymar thinks Cristiano Ronaldo should have been left out and Luis Suarez should have been included, Cristiano thinks Lionel Messi will win, and Messi probably thinks they should all skip the Ballon d’Or gala and go to Legoland instead.

None of these men deserve the award, though. So, without further ado, let’s get to pointing out the failings of these magnificent athletes.

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A highly accurate representation of watching Manchester United this season

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See the nothingness? The uncaring empty void? Look at it. It doesn’t move. It just sits there. A goalless existence that cares not for your enjoyment or anything else.

Keep looking at it. Has it moved yet? Of course it hasn’t. At this point, you know it won’t. You have resigned yourself to the hopelessness of knowing that this is all there will be. And yet you keep watching it.

Staring into the darkness for so long has now warped your mind. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re starting to see something happen inside it, but there is nothing. It is only your own thoughts cannibalizing themselves in an attempt to dig out the mental sustenance that you desperately need.

Now even your thoughts have deserted you. You are forced to confront the meaninglessness of an existence that could allow this to go on. How can the universe hate us enough to let this happen on a weekly basis? Is Louis van Gaal the devil? Could the devil himself even be this evil?

You wet yourself 30 minutes ago just to feel something, but now that has dried and you are back to the nothingness. You want to move. You want stop this insanity. You want to live! But you are frozen. Nothing can be this nothing. How can it go on? How can something so expensive yield so much nothing?!

Keep looking at it. Has it been 90 minutes yet? The whistle sounds and now you can stop. You survived it. Colors and sounds and smells and feelings come rushing back to you like tidal wave of sensation. You are alive! You are free! But you know you are only days away from being subjected to this horror void again. You consider becoming a darts fan but you know that would somehow be far worse.

If it continued… (Real Madrid v Barcelona)

The Santiago Bernabeu was pushed to the desperate act of waving of white handkerchiefs as Barcelona defeated Real Madrid 4-0. It was a show of complete domination from Barca that further weakened Rafa Benitez’s authority over Real Madrid and exposed a gulf in quality between the two rivals. When the final whistle charitably blew, it seemed to preempt further destruction that could have wrought untold hysteria. And so, it is our solemn duty to ask “What if it continued?”

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Everything you need to know about El Clasico

El Clasico is a match played several times per season between Team Messi (sometimes referred to as “FC Barcelona”) and Team Cristiano (sometimes referred to as “Real Madrid”). It is the biggest rivalry in world football thanks entirely to the existence of Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo, the only two footballers worth talking about.

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Wayne Rooney condemns selection of David Beckham as the Sexiest Man Alive

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This has been a very difficult year for me. I can’t even go to a WWE event without the wrestlers putting me down in front of my children. Yes, I was fortunate enough to break the England scoring record, but there was something else that I truly wanted to achieve this year. Something that I deserved and worked hard to obtain. I wanted to be named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. But they’ve wrongly given it to David Beckham and I am outraged.

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Sponsored Post: Karim Benzema is YOUR sextape extortion middleman

Hi, I’m professional footballer Karim Benzema. You might remember me from those pictures of my cars on Instagram or all those times Arsenal tried to sign me. Do you want to blackmail one of my international teammates over a sextape that may or may not exist? Do you need someone to act as a middleman and help the process along? Well for the low, low price of nothing, I will help your extortion dreams become reality!

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Did Wayne Rooney retire and not tell anyone? An investigation

Manchester United captain Wayne Rooney has regularly seemed nonexistent this season. He was a ghost in last weekend’s Manchester derby and again in Man United’s Capital One Cup loss to Middlesbrough, in which he was even credited with a missed a penalty. Given this, there exists a very real possibility that he has already retired from the game, having recently turned 30, and simply didn’t inform anyone of his departure, leaving Man United to continue selecting him without him actually showing up.

So let’s examine the evidence…

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Letters from Bojan: A glimpse of darkness

The earnest question of whether Lionel Messi could do it on a cold, wet night in Stoke has persisted as a cliched joke for a few years now. So when Barcelona surprisingly sold Bojan, a 24-year-old once hyped as the next Messi, to Stoke City, the only explanation was that Messi personally asked him to go there on an expedition to see if the conditions in this mythical place are as challenging as the fables suggest. This is Bojan’s seventh letter back to his friend.

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