Six of the eight FIFA presidential candidates have banded together to assure the public that they are, in fact, real people.
Category: Nonsense
Why Cristiano Ronaldo doesn’t score more free kicks
Real Madrid’s scoreless draw with PSG on Wednesday highlighted Cristiano Ronaldo’s extended struggle in an area where he once dazzled. Cristiano has only scored two of his last 89 direct free kicks — a far cry from the days earlier in his career when he would knock them in from any angle and at any distance. And yet, he keeps taking them and he keeps squandering them.
If it continued… (Arsenal v Bayern Munich)
Arsenal recovered from losing to Dinamo Zagreb and Olympiacos in their first two Champions League group stage matches to end Bayern Munich’s undefeated run with a 2-0 win. This type of careening back and forth between the disastrous and the brilliant has become something of a trademark for Arsenal in the Champions League, but this win has sparked renewed belief in what the club can accomplish, while denting the perception of Bayern’s overwhelming power. Naturally, we must now ask, “What if it continued?”
Future News: Yaya Toure proposes acceptable level of praise for Yaya Toure
Following his latest complaints of being underappreciated, Yaya Toure has laid out an a comprehensive plan for how the world should praise him properly.
Future News: Premier League requires all foreign born managers to declare which “One” they are
The Premier League has instituted a new rule that requires all managers who do not hold a UK passport to select an adjective denoting which “One” they are.
Pele is unsure why everyone cares about Cristiano Ronaldo scoring less than half as many goals as him
I am Pele, the greatest footballer of all time and the source material for all official Pele hair diamonds.
Everyone is talking about Cristiano Ronaldo reaching 500 goals for his career. To him, I say the same thing I told my nephew when he turned 10 years old: “Congratulations, but who cares? I scored 1,283 goals. I am Pele.” This is like the whole world celebrating someone who runs a seven-minute mile when the record is three minutes and 43 seconds. It’s not a big deal. Trust me. I’m Pele.
Iker Casillas invites Jose Mourinho to a party after Porto beat Chelsea
Hey Jose,
Long time no talk! How about that match, eh? Losing to your old club in the Champions League must feel awful. And the way this season has been going for you must really have you feeling almost as bad as you made me feel when we were together at Real Madrid, the club I had been with nearly my whole life until you made them think I was worthless and they eventually shipped me out to Porto.
How to make it in Swiss prison if you’re Sepp Blatter
It’s finally happened. A criminal investigation against Sepp Blatter has been opened by Swiss authorities over mismanagement of funds and a “disloyal payment” to UEFA president Michel Platini.
According to the Independent, he could go to jail for up to five years for the criminal mismanagement charge. Although there’s a long way to go before that happens, it might be time for Sepp to formulate a prison plan just in case. So in the interest of helping someone who has done so much to further his own interests in football, we here at Dirty Tackle have a few tips that Blatter might find useful in the can.
Letters from Bojan: A triumphant return
The earnest question of whether Lionel Messi could do it on a cold, wet night in Stoke has persisted as a cliched joke for a few years now. So when Barcelona surprisingly sold Bojan, a 24-year-old once hyped as the next Messi, to Stoke City, the only explanation was that Messi personally asked him to go there on an expedition to see if the conditions in this mythical place are as challenging as the fables suggest. This is Bojan’s sixth letter back to his friend.
You’re dumb, fight me by Diego Costa
You’re dumb. And because you’re dumb, you’re going to fight me for saying that you’re dumb and then you’re the one who is going to get in trouble for fighting because that’s how dumb you are.