Lukas Podolski always saved his best for the international stage and his final appearance in a Germany shirt was no different. Playing against England, the former Arsenal and Bayern Munich striker scored the only goal of the match in emphatic fashion.
Podolski ends his international career with 130 caps, 49 goals, and a World Cup title. He also inspired one of the greatest songs ever recorded.
Borussia Monchengladbach’s Jonas Hofmann appeared to be the victim of a late tackle perpetrated by Bayern Munich’s Thiago on Sunday. Despite Thiago’s impassioned defense, the referee still blamed him for Hofmann going to ground until he asked the 24-year-old midfielder what happened. Hofmann then admitted that Thiago didn’t touch him.
The ref, Thiago, and even Javi Martinez shook Hofmann’s hand out of respect for his honesty. Thomas Müller gave him a thumbs up. Bayern went on to win 1–0, but Hofmann’s rare display of maturity, especially for a relatively young player like him, will hopefully set an example others will follow.
Exciting news in Dirty Tackle Land as we can finally announce that our first ever podcast will drop on March 23. Since it is now legally required that every person with internet access have a podcast to call their own, myself, Ryan Bailey, and new addition to the DT family Theo Messi have teamed up with Panoply to produce a show filled with all the strange (and not always true) news and nonsense of the blog, our dirty tackles of the week, and much more.
Check out the trailer here and subscribe on iTunes or wherever else you get your podcasts.
https://cms.megaphone.fm/channel/dirtytackle?selected=PPY3550072492
Bastian Schweinsteiger will join the Chicago Fire on a one-year deal after making just four appearances for Man United this season. The following is a transcript of Schweinsteiger’s negotiations with Chicago general manager Nelson Rodriguez.
Rodriguez: Bastian, we would very much like to have you join the Fire and we’re prepared to make you a serious offer.
Schweinsteiger: Excellent! I just have one question.
Rodriguez: What’s that?
Schweinsteiger: Are you real?
Rodriguez: Am I real? If you’re asking whether my offer is real, yes, I can assure you that it is, Bastian.
Schweinsteiger: No, I mean are you a real person? I’ve been so alone that sometimes I imagine nice people who talk to me but aren’t really there.
Rodriguez: Yes, Bastian. I’m a real person. I assure you.
Schweinsteiger: That’s what the imaginary people always say, but Mr. Mourinho makes me chauffeur his children to earn my wages, so I’m going to believe you.
Rodriguez: Well, with that out of the way, we’re prepared to make you our highest paid player by a considerable margin. How does $4.5 million for one year sound?
Schweinsteiger: That sounds nice, but like Michael Carrick, money doesn’t wave back when I enter a room. Can part of my payment be a guarantee that people will say “hello” to me and ask how I am doing at least once a week?
Rodriguez: Uh, sure. That shouldn’t be a problem.
Schweinsteiger: Excellent! And can I train with the rest of the team, who will promise not to forget my name and mistake me for an overzealous fan who has illegally gained access to the training ground?
Rodriguez: Yes. Of course.
Schweinsteiger: And will I still get paid if I don’t drive the coach’s children around?
Rodriguez: You won’t be asked to do that.
Schweinsteiger: This sounds like a fantastic arrangement!
Rodriguez: That’s great to hear, Bastian. Just one more thing—you’re 24, right?
Schweinsteiger: Yes, I promise to be friendly to everyone, 24 hours a day!
Rodriguez: I didn’t quite catch all of that, but I did hear you say “yes,” so we have a deal. Can’t wait to see you in Chicago, Bastian. Be sure to pack a coat. It can get cold here!
Schweinsteiger: It can’t be as cold as the way I’ve been treated by Manchester United.
Rodriguez: This is the most depressing successful negotiation I’ve ever had. See you soon, Bastian.
Schweinsteiger: Wait—can we negotiate again tomorrow, too? I have the same amount of free time during international breaks as I do during not international breaks and this was fun.
Rodriguez: Sure, Bastian. Sure.
I often wonder if professional footballers ever look up into the stands and wish they could sit and gorge on deliciously fatty foods like the fans who watch them push their bodies to the extreme in the name of entertainment. Perhaps this explains why Rafinha launched a ball into the stands, hitting an unsuspecting fan right in the fries during warm-ups before Bayern Munich’s 1–0 win over Borussia Monchengladbach.
Of course, it could have been an accident, but it seems more likely that Rafinha spotted these three men enjoying their deep fried treats and thought “If I can’t have some fries right now NO ONE CAN!”
I am also convinced that Thomas Müller later ate the fries off the floor just because that seems like something he would do.
Listening to people talk about football can be boring, even if it’s a part of your job. Following Barcelona’s 4–2 win over Valencia, one journalist dosed off during Luis Enrique’s press conference. Enrique noticed and ground the question session to a halt, making the sleepy journo the center of attention.
Football matches themselves can be quite boring, too. Especially when they’re played by Sunderland. During Saturday’s match against Burnley, Eve Short, wife of Sunderland owner Ellis Short, was caught drifting off to a dreamland where she was anywhere other than the Stadium of Light by TV cameras.
https://twitter.com/martincoutts/status/843247350323843072
In her defense, falling asleep is the proper response to a scoreless draw between Sunderland and Burnley. The fact that a person with their eyes closed is more compelling television than what was happening on the pitch is telling.
I think the lesson from these two incidents is to always stay heavily caffeinated at all times.
Arsenal’s 3–1 loss to West Brom on Saturday marked their fourth loss in six matches, including a pair of 5–1 losses to Bayern Munich that spelled their seventh consecutive Champions league round of 16 elimination. Their only two wins in that span came against non-league clubs in the FA Cup.
They say that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the mark of insanity, but if Wenger’s repetition has driven anyone insane, it’s clearly more the fans than himself. Arsenal Fan TV is all the evidence of this anyone would need, but during the match at The Hawthorns, opposing banners were flown over the stadium, resulting in the lamest sky battle of all time.
One banner read “No contract #WengerOut” and the other read “In Arsene we trust #RespectAW” but the subtext of both was “We have been reduced to debating each other with rented plane banners…please help us.”
Of course, the plane banner expressing a desperate opinion on a manager’s job status is nothing new. Fans of other clubs have done it with varying results. But to have two opposing banners during the same match is a special kind of embarrassing.
After the match, Wenger spoke ominously about his future and the club’s current position. From the BBC:
“I know what I will do,” said Wenger. “You will soon know.”
The 67-year-old continued: “Today I do not necessarily worry about that. We are in a unique bad patch we never had in 20 years.
“We lose game after game at the moment and that for me is much more important than my future.”
It’s difficult to know what the future holds for Wenger, but I am looking forward to Arsenal’s next match, when the “Wenger Out” air fleet attempts to shoot down the “Trust Wenger” squadron.
Manchester United struggled to put away Rostov in the Europa League round of 16 and in the 73rd minute, Jose Mourinho figured out what the problem was: Marcos Rojo’s potassium deficiency. So to give his defender the boost he needed, Mourinho peeled a banana, handed it off to Ashley Young, when then gave it to Rojo.
Rojo gobbled up his mid-game snack, which was a major improvement on his usual diet of burnt toast.
The banana must have helped, because Man United were able to hold off Rostov and advance on a 2–1 aggregate score.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s A-Z Sportswear has shared “Zlatan’s mental muscle playlist” filled with songs handpicked by the man himself. Highlights include LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out” (this one’s for you, Tyrone Mings), the theme song from Cops, Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby,” and a remix of the dramatic reading of Sweden’s national anthem that Zlatan did for a car commercial. Because the only thing that can truly pump up Zlatan is a bit of Zlatan.
Atletico Madrid held Bayer Leverkusen to a 0–0 draw, allowing them to advance to the Champions League quarterfinals on an aggregate score of 4–2. Given the scoreless result of the second leg, it shouldn’t be a surprise that Atletico keeper Jan Oblak was the standout performer, but his greatest moment of the match was downright stunning, especially to Bayer.
During the second half, Oblak made three saves in rapid succession—each one more impressive than the last—before Chicharito finally put a fourth shot wide of the net, giving Oblak respite enough to collapse, having released every ounce of his considerable talent.
Even Iker Casillas, former captain of Atletico’s rivals Real Madrid, felt compelled to express his awe at Oblak’s achievement.
After the match, Oblak seemed unimpressed with his actions, though. From Reuters:
“Sometimes you make three saves, and sometimes they score a goal with the first attempt. It is difficult to explain. I saw the ball and went for it. I reacted quickly and everything went well for me,” Oblak told reporters.
“Yeah, for you everything goes well…” Claudio Bravo mutters under his breath after reading that.
