When you hire the Bayern Munich midfielder to model, you get your money’s worth
This is called “Hoping no one notices you in the school pickup line” (adidas)
Like Andrea Pirlo, Xabi Alonso is a person who can make anything look cool. He demonstrated this at a recent photoshoot for adidas’ Porsche Design Sport clothing line. Here’s an assortment of the many poses he has in his impressive repertoire.
(adidas)
The “Closely watching someone make a poor attempt at parallel parking across the street in case they hit another car and you have to leave a note for the owner” pose.
(adidas)
The “Cosplaying as Ryan Gosling from the movie Drive in the parking lot of a comic book convention” pose.
(adidas)
The “Police officer unconvincingly going undercover as a high school student” pose.
(adidas)
The “Reading a profile of Thomas Müller aloud to your wife, who is only half listening as she watches her favorite television show” pose.
(adidas)
The “Holding an apple and remembering a Shakespearian soliloquy once performed in a drama class for footballers interested in getting more commercial work” pose.
(adidas)
The “Distracted by a troubling news report on the changing migration patterns of Canadian geese while reading the paper” pose.
(adidas)
The “Getting back to the article when the report about the geese ends and an advertisement comes on” pose.
(adidas)
The “Watching your kid pour themselves a glass of juice and you can tell they’re about to spill it everywhere” pose.
(adidas)
The “Let’s have sex on this countertop right now” pose.
(adidas)
The “Stay at home dad picking up his wife from work” pose.
(adidas)
The “It’s time to dance until the sun comes up” pose.
There was some good and some bad about Atlanta United’s first ever MLS match on Sunday night. The good: they had more than 55,000 fans in attendance and held a 1–0 lead over the New York Red Bulls deep into the second half. The bad: they ended up losing 2–1 on an own goal, had their first ever red card, and some of their fans decided to adopt the “puto” chant in a misguided attempt to mimic the atmosphere of more established footballing cultures.
Then there was the strange. After the match, Argentine midfielder Yamil Asad, who scored the club’s first goal, had to hammer a spike as his “reward” for being named Man of the Match (even though Atlanta lost).
Atlanta are trying to build a mythos around the railroad spike the way the Portland Timbers have around lumberjacks cutting up logs with a chainsaw. They put together this video to explain the “golden spike” concept:
But having the man of the match use a tiny hammer on a tiny spike doesn’t quite have the same effect as a dude carving up a chunk of wood with a chainsaw. Also, it’s only a matter of time before a player smashes their finger with the hammer and purposefully avoids performing well so they never have to do it again. The concept needs work.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN OUR DRAW WITH MAN UNITED IN DESCENDING ORDER OF HOW ANGRY THEY MADE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TYRONE MINGS STOMPING ON ZLATAN’S HEAD—BEFORE EVERY MATCH I TRY TO PUMP UP MY TEAMMATES BY SHOUTING “LET’S STOMP SOME HEADS!!!!!!!!!!” I THOUGHT EVERYONE KNEW THAT I WAS SPEAKING METAPHORICALLY BUT APPARENTLY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH NOW THAT TYRONE MINGS HAS ACTUALLY GONE AND DONE IT I WOULD PROBABLY BE FOUND LIABLE IN A COURT OF LAW AND NOW I’LL HAVE TO HAND OUT A WRITTEN DISCLAIMER EVERY TIME I SAY IT IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!! THANKS TYRONE!!!!!!!!! AND I MEAN THAT AS SARCASTICALLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!
2. ZLATAN ELBOWING MINGS IN THE HEAD—I DON’T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ASSAULT MY TEAMMATES BUT I’M ALSO A BIG ADVOCATE FOR REVENGE SO I FEEL VERY CONFLICTED ABOUT THIS MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!! ZLATAN LATER SAID THAT TYRONE “JUMPED INTO MY ELBOW” AND THAT’S SOMETHING I CAN DEFINITELY RELATE TO!!!!!!!!!! I’VE HAD MANY THINGS JUMP INTO MY ELBOW OVER THE YEARS!!!!!!!!!! MAINLY BEARS AND SENTIENT ROBOTS!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHY I’M BANNED FROM EVERY ZOO ON MAINLAND EUROPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. JOSE MOURINHO SAYING THINGS TO TYRONE MINGS—MOURINHO WAS SO DETERMINED TO STICK HIS BEAK INTO THE WAR BETWEEN TYRONE AND ZLATAN THAT HE BUMPED INTO ME IN THE TUNNEL AND DIDN’T EVEN SAY “EXCUSE ME”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH INSTEAD OF “THE SPECIAL ONE” HE SHOULD BE CALLED “THE ESPECIALLY RUDE ONE”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRY NOT TO BLEED OUT FROM MY CUTTING WIT MOURINHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!! I JUST GOT THIS CARPET AND IT WAS ON SALE SO I CAN’T RETURN IT!!!!!!!!!!!
4. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI—BEFORE THE MATCH MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI ASKED ME IF I COULD GET HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS AN AUTOGRAPH FROM JUAN MATA!!!!!!!!! I SAID I WOULD TRY BUT ONLY BECAUSE I AM CONVINCED THAT MATA IS AN ELF FROM THE NORTH POLE AND I WANTED AN EXCUSE TO INVESTIGATE HIS MAGICAL PRESENCE MORE CLOSELY!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST AS WE WERE ABOUT TO LEAVE OLD TRAFFORD I BUMPED INTO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I SAID “EXCUSE ME” BECAUSE I’M NOT AN ANIMAL LIKE MOURINHO!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY WE STARTED TALKING AND I ASKED HIM IF HE HAS A SPECIAL POUCH FOR HIS MAGIC DUST OR IF HE JUST KEEPS IT IN A SOCK OR SOMETHING AND HE LAUGHED AND THEN HE SHOOK MY HAND!!!!!!!! I’M CONVINCED THAT HE DID SOME KIND OF ELFISH MIND TRICK ON ME BECAUSE THE NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS IN MY HOUSE DRENCHED IN PAINT THINNER AND THERE WAS BROKEN GLASS IN EVEN MORE PLACES THAN USUAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NEXT DAY DAN ASKED ME IF I GOT THE AUTOGRAPH AND I SAID “NO DAN I’M SORRY BUT I’LL GET IT FOR YOU NEXT TIME!!!!!!!!” EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I HAD SUPERNATURAL EXPERIENCE THAT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER AND THAT’S WORTH FAR MORE THAN ANY AUTOGRAPH!!!!!!!!!
5. PHIL JONES’ WEIRD FACE—PHIL JONES CONCEDED THE PENALTY THAT ALLOWED US TO EQUALIZE AND OHMYGOD WHY DOES HIS FACE DO SUCH WEIRD THINGS?!??!!? IT’S LIKE IT’S TRYING TO DETACH ITSELF FROM THE REST OF HIS HEAD!!!!!!!!!!
6. SAVING ZLATAN’S PENALTY ATTEMPT—ZLATAN THINKS HE IS A GOLDEN GOD WITH HIS TAEKWANDO BLACK BELT BUT HIS SHOT WAS NO MATCH THE MARTIAL ARTS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING DOLPHINS FIGHT OVER A BAG OF RAMEN NOODLES IN A DREAM I ONCE HAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE I SHOULD START TALKING ABOUT MYSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON LIKE HE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE NECK WITH A DOG TOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. RETIRING FROM INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL—THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN DURING THE MATCH BUT IT WAS DURING THE SAME WEEK SO I’M INCLUDING IT HERE ANYWAY AND YOU CAN JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALIZED THAT THE TIME SPENT ON INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL IS TIME I COULD BE USING TO ME EFFECTIVELY FIGHT THE CORN MENACE AND ALL IF ITS MANY FAKE VEGETABLE CONSPIRACIES SO I KNEW I HAD TO REFOCUS MY EFFORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLAYING FOR POLAND IS GREAT BUT SAVING THE WORLD FROM COBS OF DESTRUCTION IS BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you’re going to the 2018 World Cup, wear a helmet
(WWE)
The violence perpetrated by Russian hooligans at Euro 2016 bolstered concerns that the issue could be an even larger one at the 2018 World Cup—concerns reinforced by promises that the event will be a “festival of violence.” But one Russian politician, MP for the Liberal Democrat Party Igor Lebedev, has a terrible idea on how to turn these lemons into lemonade.
On his party’s website, he said: “Russia could become a pioneer in a new kind of sport. Fans arrive and start picking fights — the call is accepted at the meeting at the stadium … on each side of 20 people, without arms.’’
Lebedev, who is also a member of the Russian Football Union’s executive committee, defended the clash between fans of Russia and England at last year’s European Championship as “normal,’’ adding: “I don’t see anything wrong with the fans fighting.’’
He’s not only an MP, he’s an executive committee member for the Russian Football Union! So if you thought there was a chance the governing body would try and minimize this type of behavior at their big showcase for the world, well, if anything they might do the opposite.
What Lebedev is proposing is like some sort of WWE Royal Rumble, but where all the participants are legitimately trying to maim each other. That said, it would probably be very successful.
Meanwhile, Zenit Saint Petersburg and CSKA Moscow fans fought and even mooned each other during a 0–0 draw on Saturday.
A few Zenit fans managed to climb a fence and moon the home fans during today's game in Moscow against CSKA. pic.twitter.com/jOPgBCR4Kb
They didn’t adhere to Lebedev’s idea of fighting without weapons, though. Smoke bombs and flares were thrown as a partition mostly kept the two factions apart.
Dries Mertens scored twice to give Napoli a 2–1 win over Roma. The two goals were overshadowed by his decision to celebrate the first like a dog peeing on the corner flag.
— Everything Napoli (@NaplesAndNapoli) March 4, 2017
After the match, Mertens tweeted a photo of himself with his dog, adding a hashtag indicating that his inspiration for the celebration was Nigeria’s Finidi George, who did the same thing after scoring at the 1994 World Cup.
An ambiguous ruling clearly aimed at Megan Rapinoe
(Stu Holden/Twitter)
Sunil Gulati’s USSF presidency of avoidance continues with the addition of a new policy that should be called the “Please Don’t Make This Difficult For Us, Megan Rapinoe” Rule.
Revealed at the U.S. Soccer Annual General Meeting and shared by attendee Stu Holden, the policy, which was passed by the USSF board of directors last month, requires everyone representing the national team to “stand respectfully” for the national anthems.
New Policy added to @ussoccer bylaws: Players "shall stand respectfully during playing of national anthem @ which federation is represented" pic.twitter.com/fkVtCI1iHC
In a follow-up tweet, Holden added that Gulati said there were no consequences for disobeying this policy agreed upon at this time and the board will put that decision off until someone violates it and forces them to.
This is clearly a reaction to Megan Rapinoe’s decision to kneel during the U.S. national anthem while representing the national team last year in support of a protest against the oppression of people of color started by NFL player Colin Kaepernick. At the time, the USSF released a statement indicating that the federation did not support Rapinoe’s protest, but since they had no official policy on the books about anthem etiquette, this was all they could do. The statement read:
“Representing your country is a privilege and honor for any player or coach that is associated with U.S. Soccer’s National Teams. Therefore, our national anthem has particular significance for U.S. Soccer. In front of national and often global audiences, the playing of our national anthem is an opportunity for our Men’s and Women’s National Team players and coaches to reflect upon the liberties and freedom we all appreciate in this country. As part of the privilege to represent your country, we have an expectation that our players and coaches will stand and honor our flag while the national anthem is played.”
During an interview with FourFourTwo in November, Gulati gave a mealy-mouthed indication that a new policy was in the works.
I think our board feels quite strongly that there is a difference between playing for your club and your country on this issue. And we’ll see how that all plays out. We have a board meeting next month. There’s a lot of misunderstanding about what the First Amendment actually says, in terms of freedom of speech. Yes, Megan or [Colin] Kaepernick or anyone else can’t get prosecuted for criminal charges for freedom of speech. That is not the case in any membership organization or any employment area or anything else. And so there is that point to start with. There is a right to freedom speech, she also has the obligations to putting on a national team uniform. And we think those are pretty strong when you’re representing the U.S. national team and wearing the crest.
By saying that punishments would only be decided as necessary, Gulati and the USSF seem to hope to avoid looking too authoritarian and leaving the policy as a desperate plea along the lines of “Come on, guys—just behave and let our sponsors use you to sell their products in peace…please?”
But the result here is damage to the respect they’re trying to preserve. By requiring people to “respectfully stand” and removing free will from the equation, the act of standing is no longer a demonstration of honor, appreciation or reverence, it’s just a hollow obligation under threat of mysterious retribution for everyone. It takes away the personal expression of both those who protest and those who don’t. And though stifling everyone’s voice in an attempt to eliminate the possibility of facing something they don’t want to deal with is within the federation’s rights, it doesn’t show much respect for America’s anthem or values.
In just the 12th minute of Friday night’s Liga MX match between Tijuana and Pachuca, U.S. international Michael Orozco planted his boot in the ankle of 21-year-old Hirving “Chucky” Lozano, opening up a horrifying wound.
With Celta Vigo scouts reportedly in the stands to see him, Lozano had to be stretchered off and Orozco was shown a yellow card for the challenge before being substituted at halftime. Pachuca went on to win 3–2.
Pachuca’s official Twitter account shared a close-up of Lozano’s ankle and OH MY GOD DO NOT LOOK AT THIS.
“We needed someone who can address our weaknesses,” says Leo Messi
(Barcelona/Twitter)
Following the unexpected announcement that Luis Enrique will leave Barcelona at the end of the season, the club has announced that 52-year-old accountant Norberto Salvat will be the new manager for the 2017/18 season. Salvat has no experience in football and for the last 12 years has operated his own accounting firm in the city.
“A cardboard box could lead this team to several trophies,” said Barca president Josep Maria Bartomeu at an event revealing the decision. “As long as that box does not contain Tata Martino. Anyway, the only thing that could impede our success is if all of our players go to jail for tax evasion, which has become an increasingly real possibility in recent years. So we have hired a specialist in this area to be the manager and ensure this does not happen.”
Though little is known about Salvat, club insiders expect him to replace the squad’s football related training with an intense mix of Spanish tax code lessons and wealth management seminars.
“We don’t need someone to help us score goals, we need someone to help us with the government,” said Lionel Messi, who was given a 21-month suspended prison sentence after being found guilty of tax fraud last year, and is one of at least seven Barcelona players past and present charged with the crime. “I’m excited to learn from him.”
For his part, Salvat, nicknamed “The Catalan Calculator,” is quietly confident that he will be able to make his mark at the Camp Nou.
“I’ve never been much of a football fan, but I’m told this is a big deal,” he said. “I can’t make any promises about how the team will play, but I will ensure that their taxes will be done correctly and on time. Even that Pique fellow’s.”
He chased the paper to Club America so they had some waiting for him on his return
Goalkeeper Augustin Marchesin moved from Santos Laguna to Club America in December after previously professing his love for Santos and claiming he would never join America. Naturally, this did not please Santos fans. And yet Marchesin still somehow believed that they would give him a warm reception upon his return for a Copa MX match on Wednesday night.
This did not happen.
Instead, he was showered with fake money as he headed into the tunnel for halftime.
And if that wasn’t satisfying even for the home supporters, the final result definitely was. Santos took a 1–0 lead in the 55th minute, but America equalized in the 90th. But then Julio Furch scored his second goal of the match in the third minute of added time to give Santos a 2–1 win. And that’s how you get a nice warm slice of satisfaction.
Marchesin volvió a Torreón y los hinchas del Santos le tiraron con billetes falsos. Lo tildan de "pesetero" por haberse ido al América. pic.twitter.com/k8PgalH2Sw
If there’s one thing we know for sure about MLS it’s that they love to make up as many confusing rules as they possibly can. As a result, the league and its clubs have apparently decided that even something as simple as the names of these clubs need to have a bunch of inane and arbitrary rules applied to them, too. Enter the official MLS club name style guide.
Not only does this guide provide the “correct” things to call MLS clubs, it also provides the “incorrect” (printed menacingly in a red font) things to call them. And no, the incorrect column is not just a list of curse words and juvenile insults. It’s things that any reasonable person would think these teams should be called. Like saying “Seattle Sounders” instead of “Seattle Sounders FC.” According to the style guide, this is very guide.
You also can’t call New York City FC “New York City” (or “New York” or “NY”), you can’t call Sporting Kansas City “Sporting” (or “Kansas City” or “Kansas”), you can’t call the Vancouver Whitecaps just the “Whitecaps” (but you can call them “Vancouver”) or the San Jose Earthquakes just the “Earthquakes” (but you can call them the “Quakes”!), and you can’t call Columbus Crew SC the “Columbus Crew.” And God help you if you refer to any of the league’s Uniteds as just “United” (you can call the Philadelphia Union “Union,” though).
It’s unclear how important any of this actually is. I doubt anyone will get so much as a sternly worded letter if they write “DC United” instead of the proper “D.C. United” but it’s still a bit silly to see all this compiled into an official document.
Anyway, I really can’t wait until the big United v United game. Go Whitecaps!
UPDATE: Atlanta United taking things a step further…
#ATLUTD handed this out to media, for people who haven't covered soccer before. Bocanegra called it the "Darren Eales Translation Page" pic.twitter.com/cBLdWwua63
