After several days of intensified rumors that he could leave Man United for the Chinese Super League as soon as this month, Wayne Rooney has announced that he’s staying put. Rooney took the unusual step of making an official statement through Man United’s website that reads as follows:
“Despite the interest which has been shown from other clubs, for which I’m grateful, I want to end recent speculation and say that I am staying at Manchester United,” declared the Reds’ record goalscorer.
“I hope I will play a full part in helping the team in its fight for success on four fronts.
“It’s an exciting time at the club and I want to remain a part of it.”
So what convinced Rooney to stay? Well, this video of him celebrating the Chinese New Year at famed Manchester restaurant Wings could hold the answer.
Since Wayne doesn’t have a very good poker face, we’re able to pinpoint his exact thoughts throughout the making of this video.
0:16—“I’d have to learn a new calendar?”
1:10—“There’s paper cutting involved?”
2:35—“These questions are just as bad as the ones from the English press.”
4:58—“Did someone slip LSD in my drink?”
5:21—“That lion spat lettuce on me.”
5:30—“I’m never leaving the house again, let alone going to China.”
Supporters group then doubles down on homophobic depiction of opposing manager
(Njclives/Twitter)
Fourteen members of Western Sydney Wanderers supporters group Red and Black Bloc have been given 18-month stadium bans by the club for having a banner depicting Sydney FC manager Graham Arnold with a penis going in and out of his mouth during the Sydney derby. The banner was likely inspired by one Spartak Moscow fans made involving Zenit’s lion mascot several years ago.
Of the 14 supporters banned by the club, Fairfax Media understands several are part of the RBB’s core leadership group. It’s understood FFA is pleased with the Wanderers’ strong response on Wednesday but is unhappy that it’s taken four days for the club to issue such a harsh condemnation of the RBB’s actions. The governing body will not comment on the Wanderers’ banning of their fans until Thursday, once it has ruled on the show-cause notice. Sources suggest the Wanderers will likely still face sanctions, despite taking a hardline approach.
Instead of apologizing, the group has dug in their feet over their homophobia and posted a response on their Facebook page, along with designs for a potential merchandise line.
We find it ironic that it takes the FFA barely 24 hours to respond to a banner deemed ‘offensive’, but take over 12 months to even commence an appeals process agreed upon in December 2015.
Clearly football in this country is in the wrong hands.
Football belongs to the people, not a dictatorial body or the likes of so called expert commentators.
The sport doesn’t belong to the FFA, nor does it belong to the likes of Robbie Slater.
Fuck off with your pandering to mainstream media.
But, since this banner has been so popular, we are considering a new line of relevant merchandise, and as everyone has an opinion, let us know yours regarding the merch.
A wild match that went how Guardiola always knew it would
Man City squandered a first-half lead, then mounted an emphatic comeback to beat Monaco 5–3 in the first leg of the Champions League round of 16 tie. Needless to say, the match went exactly to plan for Pep Guardiola. At least, more so than most things have for him this season. Here are the full details of the brilliant tacticians pre-match instructions.
Instruct Willy Caballero to play like a 45-year-old non-league goalkeeper who just ate a half dozen pies.
Have John Stones defend like a deflating beachball, but shoot like Pele in a World Cup final.
Let Falcao score two goals just to confuse Man United fans, but also stop his penalty attempt because you’re not running a charity here.
Tell Sergio Aguero to try and play like Gabriel Jesus.
Hold up Mesut Özil’s defensive work rate as an example for the entire midfield to emulate.
Concede three away goals because keeping clean sheets is an antiquated philosophy.
Don’t do whatever it was that Barcelona did against PSG.
Few players are able to seize the spotlight on their biggest stage, but Wayne Shaw did it
Throughout fifth-division Sutton United’s FA Cup run, the focus has been firmly on one man: 45-year-old, 280-pound backup goalkeeper Wayne Shaw. Through heavy press coverage (pun intended), he’s been made out to be a mascot for the everyman—if a sitcom dad came to life and played for a non-league club that made an improbable FA Cup run. He’s been asked to pose nude and he has his own chili sauce.
But with Arsenal’s surreal visit to 765-seat Gander Green Lane in the fifth round, Shaw knew he had one last chance to make himself a star—even though he wasn’t playing—and he made the most of his chance.
Before the match, he personally vacuumed the away dugout while wearing sandals just as a photographer happened to be milling around to illustrate the class difference between non-league jacks of all trades and their more privileged guests.
And late in the second half, with Arsenal up 2–0 and the hope of a profoundly hilarious upset out of reach, Shaw’s coup-de-grâce came when he ate a pie in the dugout…
Now, it was quickly revealed that this was a set-up choreographed by Sutton shirt sponsor Sun Bets, who offered 8/1 odds on Shaw eating a pie “live on air” during the match and even advertised it in the paper.
So bookies are offering odds on the large sutton substitute goal keeper eating a pie whilst on the bench tonight. ??? pic.twitter.com/6hgqWjRcnl
Still, there remains a strong possibility that Shaw was going to do this anyway and this was like if it was revealed that The Sun paid a bunch of Arsenal fans to hold a “Wenger out” protest. It’s going to happen regardless of the outside influence. The money is just a bonus.
So now the Roly-Poly Goalie will live on—an FA Cup tale for the ages—with a little extra cash in his pocket and a few extra calories in his belly. Job done.
UPDATE: Shaw had to resign “in tears” from Sutton and both the FA and the Gambling Commission are investigating his actions, ending his career, what, a month earlier than he would’ve otherwise (again, he’s 45 years old), but he’s been offered a perfect new job by supermarket chain Morrisons: Pie taster.
Morrisons’ Chief Pie Buyer Tessa Callaghan said: “We’re always looking for the best talent to taste our pies and make sure they hit the back of the net.
“Wayne’s performance last night sets him apart as one of the country’s most famous pie connoisseurs.
“We were really impressed by his commitment to pie eating, and we understand that a good pie is the best way to warm up for any occasion, even if it is the biggest night of your football career.”
As the saying goes, “When one door closes another opens” and this sounds like a net gain for Shaw already.
Technology once again proves its ability to ruin everything
(NYCFC)
MLS is experimenting with the Video Assistant Referee system during the preseason and this has already proven to be detrimental to NYCFC’s David Villa.
During a 3–1 loss to Houston, Villa slapped AJ DeLaGarza in the face in an incident away from the ball. Again, this was during a preseason friendly.
Villa was initially shown a yellow card. The referee then decided to halt the match and take another look at the incident on a pitchside monitor. He then trotted back out and showed Villa a red card.
It took nearly two minutes from the time the ref showed Villa the initial yellow to when he came back and switched it to a red, which isn’t an ideal interruption, but it’s also no more time consuming than a player receiving treatment for an injury—either real or imagined.
That said, this system is a potential scourge on the game. When a player can no longer get away with slapping an opponent in the face during a friendly, why even bother play the game?
This is what happens when you go against your pre-match superstition
Club America manager Ricardo La Volpe is a firm believing that shaking hands with the opposing manager before a match will bring his team bad luck. “I’m afraid we’ll be cursed if I shake hands,” he said before facing Real Madrid in the Club World Cup back in December. And yet, he shook the hand of Chivas manager (and fellow Argentine) Matias Almeyda before Saturday’s Clasico Nacional.
But it turns out there might be something to this handshake curse business.
Chivas went to beat America 1–0 with a 30th-minute penalty. In the 52nd minute, America were reduced to 10 men when Miguel Samudio was sent off, so La Volpe decided to fill that void himself in the 75th minute by stopping Jesus Sanchez near the touchline.
La Volpe felt that the ball had gone out and a throw in was in order, so he stepped onto the pitch to prevent Sanchez from continuing his attack. And though he did get the ball first, tripping the player wasn’t something the referee approved of, so La Volpe was sent to the stands.
America lost, La Volpe is likely to face further repercussions (both for the result and his actions), and now I totally understand why he doesn’t shake hands before a match.
Non-league Lincoln City, who play in the fifth tier of English football, beat Premier League side Burnley 1–0 to become the first club outside of the top four division to reach the FA Cup quarterfinals since 1914. Defender Sean Raggett scored an 89th-minute winner to achieve the unlikely feat with their Lincoln’s first and only shot on target in the match. And though Sutton United will have a chance to match them on Monday if they can beat Arsenal, it’s Lincoln City who have gotten there first, so they get the glory of being the subject of this prestigious post.
The what? Yes, their nickname is The Imps and they have arguably the creepiest badge in English football. An imp is a mythical creature and The Lincoln Imp is a local legend that goes beyond football. From the city’s tourism website:
Legend has it that one day the Devil was in a frolicsome mood, and let out all his young demons to play.
After having allegedly stopping at Chesterfield, twisting the spire of St Mary and All Saints Church, a group of imps went to Lincoln and planned to wreak havoc in the city’s stunning Cathedral.
Mischievous activities in Lincoln included knocking over the Dean, smashing the stained glass windows and destroying the lights. To put a stop to any further chaos, an angel appeared from the Bible left on the altar and commanded “Wicked Imp, be turned to stone!”
Some imps managed to escape but one imp remained, hurling insults and stones at the angel. The angel responded in kind, turning the imp to stone where it sat and it can still be seen there today! It is said that the angel caught up with one of the escapees at St James’ Church, Grimsby, turning that imp to stone also.
Lincoln City last played in the Football League in 2011. They won League Two in 1976 (then called Division 4) and their best ever finish was fifth in Football League Division Two in 1902. They currently lead the National League with two games in hand over second-place Dagenham & Redbridge.
Manager Danny Cowley and assistant Nicky Cowley are brothers. They quit jobs as PE teachers to take their full-time positions with The Imps just last summer.
Their mascot is Poacher the Imp, named after the folk song “The Poacher of Lincolnshire.” This should’ve been Pippo Inzaghi’s nickname.
In 2012, Lincoln goal hero Sean Raggett expressed his dream to one day play against Joey Barton. Hopefully this was a joke and not the saddest life goal ever committed to social media, but, either way, it came true as Barton started for Burnley (and earned a yellow card for his usual assholery).
Lincoln City beat sixth-tier Altrincham in the first round of the FA Cup and third-tier Oldham Athletic in the second round. They needed a replay to beat second-tier Ipswich Town in the third round and beat another second-tier side in Brighton & Hove Albion in the fourth round.
And finally, Lincoln is home to a glory hole that has been pleasing boaters for generations.
Well, three months later, Parker let his guard down again and Luiz took full advantage, this time hauling him down to the ground in his finely tailored suit.
The war between the ball boy cabal and the decent people they terrorize reaches a breaking point
Ball boys are determined to ruin football. Jose Mourinho knows it. Tim Cahill recently realized it. But Leyton Orient captain Liam Kelly decided enough is enough and bravely shoved his ball boy oppressor to the ground during a match at Plymouth Argyle.
The shove came in the 86th minute, with Orient down 2–1 to the home side. And once the ball boy’s conspiracy to waste time was successfully thwarted, Orient scored twice in the final minutes of the match to win 3–2.
The incident was not seen by the match officials, but Kelly wasn’t punished at the time. But Argyle submitted the video to the FA, who have now charged Kelly with violent conduct.
As long as ball boys have institutional power on their side, their grip on the game—and its balls—will remain too strong to overcome.
The two stars missed the disastrous first legs of their teams’ Champions League round of 16 ties
Lionel Messi and Mesut Özil missed their teams’ Champions League matches this week due to an unfortunately timed trip to Disney World together. And while they were enjoying themselves at the Magic Kingdom, Barcelona lost 4–0 to PSG and Arsenal lost 5–1 to Bayern Munich.
Fans and journalists alike were quick to point out the absence of both players from the start of the Champions League knockout stage, which Messi and Özil say is the result of a scheduling mishap.
“We thought the Champions League resumed next week,” Özil said upon returning from Florida. “Leo and I both wanted to visit Disney World, so we decided to go together in the middle of the week when we thought there were no matches. We were on Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin when a child recognized us and asked why we weren’t playing in the Champions League. That’s when we realized our mistake. But what were we going to do at that point? Not go see the Country Bear Jamboree? That would’ve been wrong.”
Barcelona’s stunning defeat to PSG in the first leg of their round of 16 tie means they are likely to miss out on the quarterfinals for the first time in a decade. Arsenal, meanwhile, have gone out at this stage in each of the last six years.
Both players could have helped their respective clubs had they been present for these matches. In fact, their managers were so confident they would be there that they were both named to their sides’ starting XIs. Despite a few claims from eyewitnesses that they were, in fact, present and just put in completely ineffectual performances, their picture from Splash Mountain tells a different story.
“The problems our teams suffered in these matches were bigger than one player,” said Messi, wearing a Beauty and the Beast T-shirt. “It’s unfortunate that it worked out this way, but we have no regrets and shouldn’t be blamed for what happened. There is still a second leg to play and if Tinkerbell can be revived through belief alone, then so can our clubs. Of course, she didn’t have to make up a four-goal deficit, so maybe that’s not the best comparison to make.”
When asked if they could assure their clubs that they would play in the return legs, Özil said: “Yes, of course we will play. Unless they conflict with our trip to Legoland.”
