Ball boys: A scourge upon the beautiful game, hellbent on subjugating participants to their will the world over. Eden Hazard knows it, Jose Mourinho knows, and now Tim Cahill knows it.
During a New Year’s Eve match between Cahill’s Melbourne City and Central Coast Mariners, there was a plot decided on by the ball boys to try and sabotage Cahill’s signature corner-flag boxing celebration should he score a goal.
In the 40th minute, Cahill did score and, as expected, ran towards the corner flag. But as he did so, the ball boy standing nearest to it pulled it out of the ground and stood there with it, emotionless, as Cahill did his boxing routine anyway.
After what ended up a 2–2 draw, the ball boy in question told Fox Sports of the plan, but there were no hard feelings from Cahill, who even stopped to take a picture with the kid.
When will the ball boys’ reign of terror come to an end?
Guardiola seems to be heading down a familiar path of discontent
(MCFC)
Man City beat Burnley 2–1 to start the new year, despite going down to 10 men in the 32nd minute with the score still 0–0. Fernandinho was the one sent off—his third red card in his last six appearances across all competitions—and City now lead the Premier League in red cards with four this season.
After the match, Guardiola was responsible for a supremely awkward interview.
City’s indiscipline and Guardiola’s sulky demeanor coincide with an interesting quote from an interview with NBC (via ESPN FC):
“In the moment, I will feel — and I am a little bit in that process — I feel that the end of my career, I will be… [throws up his hands]. I will not be training in the 60 and 65 years old, so…. No, no, no, no.
“Manchester City is three years or maybe longer, but I am still approaching the end of my career, like a manager. I am pretty sure of it.”
It’s an unusual thing for an overwhelmingly successful 45-year-old manager to say, but we have to remember how Guardiola got here.
When Jose Mourinho arrived in Spain seven years ago, Guardiola was in the midst of a heavenly introduction to management. He dominated with a style of his own at a club he loved. It was perfect in every way. Once Mourinho arrived on the scene, Guardiola continued to win trophies, but there was an atmospheric shift. Bad vibes took hold and animosities permeated his idyllic life. This was when Guardiola first adopted the now familiar look of a man subsisting on a diet of spoiled milk.
In 2012, Guardiola walked away from the game and took a year-long sabbatical, living a quiet life with his family in New York. When he returned to work, it was to take charge of Bayern Munich—the best team in the world at the time. This began a three-year spell where he again enjoyed peaceful domination—drinking beers the size of his head at Oktoberfest celebrations and wrapping up Bundesliga titles halfway through the season.
Now he’s at Man City, where not only is Jose Mourinho his neighbor, but there are Jose Mourinhos in the press box and even the stands. Guardiola has gone so far as to take issue with what he views as the selective support of City fans, leading to an odd moment during the match against Burnley when he tried to rally the crowd at the Etihad and was largely ignored.
All of this is exponentially worse than what poisoned his will to continue at Barcelona, which leads to the question of whether another sabbatical, or perhaps something more permanent, is in his near future. Because for as talented as Guardiola is, his temperament is a bit fragile. And given his team’s disciplinary troubles, it seems to be rubbing off on them, too.
Meanwhile, as Mourinho gets to grips with Man United and now has them just three points behind City, he finds himself in the position of Jon Lovitz’s character in The Wedding Singer.
Starting off the new year with an in-depth analysis of 2017’s first great goal
(Arsenal FC/Twitter)
Olivier Giroud, a man who too often has trouble scoring while facing an open net, managed to pull off a breathtaking sideways scorpion-kick goal in Arsenal’s New Year’s Day win over Crystal Palace. It was the type of goal that can be difficult to process. Just watch and let it turn your motor functions to mush.
Thankfully, I have a PhD in Goal Theory, so I am qualified to explain just how this remarkable goal came to be.
The foundation of this goal began the night before. New Year’s Eve. Olivier Giroud and the ball just happened to find themselves at the same party. They spotted each other from across the room. They exchanged timid glances and just before midnight, Giroud worked up the courage to approach the ball.
They discussed how funny it was that they were both there, given that they would be working together the next day. The conversation flowed easy. As the countdown to the new year began, Giroud admitted that he was developing feelings for the ball.
“I don’t have relationships with players,” the ball told him. “I’ve been kicked aside too many times.”
“I’m not like the others,” Giroud insisted, caressing the ball’s high-visibility exterior. “I’ll love you like Theo Walcott loves his coffee machine.”
As the clock struck midnight, the two kissed passionately. Everyone around them disappeared in that moment and the fireworks above were no match for those in their hearts.
In the small hours of the morning, Giroud and the ball went home together, where they explored every smooth, rounded panel of each other’s bodies.
When Giroud was jolted awake by his alarm, the ball was gone and he wondered if their affair was just a fleeting moment of loneliness and desire.
He prepared for the match as he usually does—winking at himself in the mirror and bathing in cocoa butter. When he arrived at the Emirates and stepped onto the pitch for warm-ups, he tried to ignore the ball as it feigned interest in other people. The match began and this silly game continued. But in the 17th minute, they could no longer resist their animal attraction.
Alexis Sanchez sent in a cross that put the ball behind Giroud, who flung out his leg in a desperate attempt to make contact with his complicated lover. As he did so, he whispered “Please, my love, go in the net…and wait for me there.”
Just before the ball propelled off the outside of his boot, it replied: “Anything, Giroud…”
With all the strength it could muster, the ball spun itself down off the crossbar and into the soft embrace of the net, leaving all its witnesses gasping in astonishment.
After the match, Giroud tracked down the ball to profess his love and eternal devotion. He said they could retire and live out their days on a deserted island together. Maybe even have children, if such a thing proves to be possible.
“You know this will never last, Olivier,” it told him. “But I will always remember our time together. And this goal will live on as a testament to what true love can achieve.”
With that, the match official took the ball away, leaving a tearful Giroud to be consoled by Gunnersaurus in the tunnel of bittersweet emotion.
The Chinese Super League’s investment in foreign stars extends to fictional characters
Shanghai Shenhua have made an audacious offer of €20 million per season to fictitious Mexico international Santiago Muñez. Portrayed by actor Kuno Becker, Muñez played for Newcastle United and Real Madrid in the Goal! trilogy, released between 2005 and 2009, turning the character into an internationally beloved star. Now Becker is weighing up taking Muñez out of retirement to play for Shenhua.
“After playing Santi in three films, I thought I was finished with the character,” the 38-year-old Becker said when asked about the offer. “And when my agent first told me about Shenhua’s proposal, I didn’t believe him. But I spoke to the club’s executives and Gus Poyet, the manager, and I’m impressed by their belief in this project. I’m still not sure how it would work since I’m not actually a footballer, but it’s difficult to ignore the money they’re offering.”
Shenhua have already paid Disney a transfer fee of €60 million for the rights to the character and it is believed Becker would be required to answer only to “Santiago Muñez” or “Santi” both on and off the pitch for the duration of the Chinese Super League season.
This move follows the signing of Carlos Tevez to a contract that reportedly makes him the highest paid player in the world. It also comes amidst rumors that Guangzhou Evergrande have put in a bid for animated character Captain Tsubasa and Shanghai SIPG are looking to make Gunnersaurus the world’s highest paid mascot.
You don’t become a pro footballer by picking and choosing when you play hard and Atalanta striker Papu Gomez’s son learned this lesson the hard way. While playing with his father on the beach during the winter break, the younger Gomez was on the receiving end of a rather nasty two-footed challenge…which the perpetrator than posted on Instagram himself.
But since 2016 refuses to go out quietly, Samir Nasri’s now deleted official Twitter account had a few things to say about this.
That’s an…interesting recommendation. And Nasri’s account wasn’t done there (read bottom to top).
At this point it’s clear that Nasri’s account had been hijacked and signs were beginning to point to his (ex?) girlfriend of four years Anara Atanes being the perpetrator. She has a history of Twitter outbursts involving Nasri and whoever was tweeting from Nasri’s account seemed particularly mindful of how this alleged incident impacted her.
At one point, Nasri himself appeared to try and regain control of his account, hastily tweeting “Someone hacked my account and tried to spread rumors which is fake i am sorty for all the ppl involved in that i apologies [sic]” as the other tweets disappeared.
But the social media hijacker continued on, before concluding with the following (full transcript here):
The expression of a young Nasri in the avatar photo elevates the entire diatribe to another level.
For their part, the Drip Doctors account that unintentionally started this whole thing denied the accusations.
@SamNasri19 account has been HACKED and the recent tweets about @dripdoctors are all FALSE, this will be confirmed shortly. Thanks ?
In a move that seems to confirm Atanes as the one behind the tweetstorm, the attacks on the Drip Doctors representative pictured with Nasri continued through an Instagram account that appears to belong to Atanes.
According to Drip Doctors’ social media accounts, other celebrity clients include DJ Steve Aoki and singer Chris Brown.
It was a pleasure providing world renowned DJ Steve Aoki our custom Limitless IV Infusion to help with his post tour jet lag! #dripdoctorspic.twitter.com/kMVKX4BoyT
Obviously we can’t know if the accusations made against Nasri and Drip Doctors are true, but what we do know is that in 2016 no one is safe. Not even from their own Twitter account.
Crystal Palace bring a traditional Christmas poem to life by hiring Sam Allardyce
’Twas two nights before Christmas, when all through Selhurst Park
Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark
The stockings were hung by Benteke with care
In the hopes that Big Sam soon would be there
The players were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Chinese transfers danced in their heads
Steve Parrish in his ‘kerchief, and I in my cap
Had settled our brains for a long winter of crap
When out on the pitch there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Gave a luster of midday to objects below
When what to my wondering eyes did appear
But a large Mercedes and eight camera crews out for a leer
With a big driver who had a head like a ham
I knew in a moment he must be Big Sam
More rapid than eagles the players they came
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name
“Now, Sako! Now, Souare! Now, Zaha and Ledley!
On, Remy! On, Tomkins! On, Campbell and Kelly!
To the top of the table! Or at least to the center!
Now don’t let investigators even hope to enter!”
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his shoes
And his reputation was all tarnished with scandals in the news
A bundle of money he had flung on his back
And he looked like a grifter just back from the track
His eyes—how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks filled with porkchops, his brow rather scary!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow
And his multiple chins bounced to and fro
The stump of a cigar he held tight in his lips
And his shirt was too tight, exposing his nips
He had a broad face and a sizable gut
That was definitely caused by too much Pizza Hut
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly gaffer
And I laughed when I saw him—oh, the internet banter!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all his pockets, then turned with a jerk
And laying his finger inside of his nose
And giving a nod, his ego—it grows!
He sprang to his car, his team gave a whistle
And down the drain they flew, like the last piece of gristle
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight— “Happy Christmas to all, going undercover ain’t right!”
As if playing for Sunderland wasn’t embarrassing enough…
The little known third Wet Bandit: John O’Shea
Liverpool seem to have inspired other Premier League clubs to subject their players to the public humiliation of trying to act on video, and now Sunderland have tried to pull off the concept with a festive twist.
When you watch this video, it immediately becomes clear that at least some of these guys have seen the films they’re referencing and a few don’t even know what they’re being asked to say.
So that clearly didn’t go well. Maybe that’s what Spurs enlisted Mark Wahlberg to help former captain turned club ambassador Ledley King carry out a similar activity.
It’s only a matter of time before Premier League footballers pool their money and buy YouTube just so they can shut it down and never have to be subjected to this kind of thing ever again.
Another reason why you should never play carnival games
(Bayern/Twitter)
If you saw Mats Hummels’ newly blond hair during Bayern’s 3–0 win over RB Leipzig and thought “Good lord, he must have lost a bet” you were exactly right. As Hummels tells it, he lost a bet on a carnival game at Oktoberfest and waited until the last moment to pay up.
? @matshummels: "I lost at the tin-can alley at Oktoberfest. I backed myself, but I clearly overestimated my ability."
“I had to have it (dyed) for at least one game in 2016,” Hummels said.
“So I thought to myself ‘We’ll just take first place against second place.’ That way it will get the most attention.”
Hummels told Bild that he has to keep his hair this way for a week, but after that he’s considering shaving it off, the he fears he doesn’t “have the head shape” to pull off the bald look.
It’s telling, however, that what Hummels considers punishment for losing a bet, Leo Messi willing did to himself earlier in the year.
Hummels isn’t totally down on his new look, though.
“In the right light it looks good,” he said. Presumably the “right light” is off.
The coolest gift for the poorly treated migrant laborer on your holiday list!
From the country that didn’t bring you the solar-powered cooling clouds they promised comes the “innovative” solar-powered cooling helmet for workers constructing the 2022 World Cup stadiums. So all those human rights activists might as well pack it in.
An innovative cooled helmet designed and developed by leading researchers in Qatar has the potential to significantly reduce the skin temperature of construction workers by up to 10 degrees centigrade. This will allow for safer and more comfortable working conditions in the summer months, according to researchers working on the new system at Qatar University.
The solar-powered helmet has been rigorously tested, patented worldwide and put through the production stage by a group of Doha-based scientists in cooperation with the Supreme Committee for Delivery & Legacy (SC) and Aspire Zone Foundation (Aspire). More units have now been ordered with the objective to incorporate them for the coming summer period across SC projects.
Now that’s all fine and good, but how does this thing work? Dr. Saud Abdul-Aziz Abdul-Ghani, Professor at the College of Engineering at Qatar University, explains:
“The material we use inside the helmet is Phase Changing Material (PCM) contained in a pouch, and this increases the total load of the helmet only by 300 grams. This provides cooling in hot conditions for up to four hours straight.”
So what are they supposed to do for the other 10 hours they have to work each day?
“People when working in the sun will get cool air coming down at the front of their faces. When they go for a break, they throw it into a refrigerator and pick up a cold pack and put it into their helmets,” concluded Dr. Saud.
“What’s a break?” —Qatar stadium worker
“We did research on the best areas to lower body temperature, and it was the head and face. The additional cost is just twenty dollars in comparison to a normal passive helmet, but the results are felt immediately in terms of less lost time on site due to heat-related complaints.”
So when the workers aren’t paid, at least they can sell the helmets for a bit of cash. I guess that’s something.
Now that they have these helmets figured out, they should move the tournament back to summer from November-December and have the players wear them. Maybe modify them into a Petr Cech style scrum cap.
Of course, that won’t happen—and I have my doubts that these helmets for the stadium workers will, either. Again, Qatar University was also who put together the idea of the artificial cloud that would hover over stadiums. This was a serious proposal that collapsed quicker than, well, an artificial cloud once Qatar was awarded the 2022 World Cup.
And if they actually do get these helmets out to workers, it’s probably just a matter of time before they start exploding like Samsung phones.
