One star to honor the dead and one to mark their work
(Chapecoense)
CONMEBOL decided to honor Atletico Nacional’s request and name Chapecoense 2016 Copa Sudamericana champions in the wake of the plane crash that killed 71 people traveling to Colombia for the first leg of the final. Now, Chape have unveiled a new crest that pays tribute to those who lost their lives and what they achieved.
“The first star makes reference to the conquest of the Copa Sudamericana,” says the club’s infographic (according to Google Translate). “It is white as a sign of peace. The peace found by our Eternal Champions. In addition, the white color symbolizes the light that will guide us forward.”
“The second star inside the letter F — which refers to football — is the subtle yet powerful way of eternalizing those who dedicated their lives to Chapecoense.”
As an added honor, Barcelona have invited Chape to be their opponents in the the friendly that will decide the winners of the Joan Gamper trophy next year. Says Barca’s statement on the matter:
FC Barcelona wants to pay tribute to the 71 people who died in the accident and their families, and will therefore make the 2017 Joan Gamper Trophy a great tribute to the world of football through various activities around this match which will become known as the date of this celebration approaches.
Along with the invitation to Chapecoense to the 2017 Joan Gamper Trophy, FC Barcelona would like to collaborate on the institutional and sporting reconstruction of the Club, and help to recover the competitive level that it had.
Chapecoense will never forget the tragedy they have endured, but now, fittingly, the people who gave the most for the club will forever be represented over the hearts of those who move the club forward in their name—in Barcelona and beyond.
The Scottish Premier League’s goal of the month award has been claimed by 32-year-old Dundee United fan Tommy McKay, who executed a gorgeous lob during halftime of a Scottish Championship match against Dunfirmline.
McKay battled cancer as a child, resulting in the loss of his right leg. However, this didn’t slow him down as he charged towards the goal on crutches and executed a perfect lob from outside the box to the delight of the crowd and a group of players warming up on the pitch. The footage quickly spread, earning McKay a spot amongst the league’s goal of the month nominees. He came out on top with 80% of the online vote.
“You will never know how much this means to me and my family and I am eternally grateful,” said McKay, who plays in the Amputee Football Association Scotland, upon receiving his trophy from Dundee United manager Ray McKinnon. In addition to the award, McKay also receives a season ticket for 2017/18.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN OUR WIN OVER LIVERPOOL IN DESCENDING ORDER OF HOW ANGRY THEY MADE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. I CONCEDED TWO GOALS IN A SPAN OF TWO MINUTES—THIS WAS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONCEDING ONE GOAL IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME WANT TO JUMP INTO A CANOE FULL OF ANAL BLEACH BUT TO THEN CONCEDE ANOTHER SO SOON BECAUSE I COULDN’T REMEMBER IF I ACTUALLY BURIED LANDMINES IN THE GOALMOUTH OR IF THAT WAS JUST AN EXCEPTIONALLY REALISTIC DREAM I HAD!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MAYBE I DID BURY LANDMINES AND I JUST GOT RIPPED OFF BY MY LANDMINE GUY!!!!!!!! TO BE HONEST THAT MAKES ME EVEN MORE ANGRY THAN CONCEDING TWO GOALS IN TWO MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME FLEEING LANDMINES THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. CONCEDING A THIRD GOAL IN THE 64TH MINUTE—WE HAD JUST STARTED OUR COMEBACK WHEN EMRE CAN FIRED A LASERBALL INTO THE TOP CORNER LIKE SOME KIND OF HUMAN LASERBALL CANNON WHICH IS A THING THAT DOES NOT EXIST AND NEITHER SHOULD THAT GOAL!!!!!!!!!!! HUMANS CANNOT BE LASERBALL CANNONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS A RULE OF THE GALAXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL SEE YOU IN SPACE JAIL EMRE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!
3. JURGEN KLOPP: SECRET AGENT OF THE CORN CONSPIRACY—THE KERNELED MENACE HAS WRAPPED ITS DASTARDLY STALKS AROUND MANY OF THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL FIGURES AND JURGEN KLOPP IS NO EXCEPTION!!!!!!!!! THE MAN IS CLEARLY IN THE THROES OF CORN HYSTERIA AND HE IS A DANGER TO EVERYONE AROUND HIM!!!!!!!!!!! JUST LOOK AT THE WAY HE GESTICULATES ON THE TOUCHLINE AND HUGS HIS PLAYERS AS IF HE’S TRYING TO POP THEM OUT OF REVENGE FOR ALL THE CORN MANKIND HAS POPPED OVER THE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!! WE MUST BE VIGILANT TO STOP THE CORN FROM DROWNING US IN BUTTER AND TAKING CONTROL OF THE PLANET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI—MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI HAS BEEN PESTERING ME TO GET MATCH TICKETS FOR HIM AND HIS GOOBER KIDS ALL SEASON AND THIS WAS THE DAY I FINALLY DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! THE ENTIRE TIME THEY KEPT SHOUTING “WE BELIEVE IN YOU ARTUR” AND “YOU’LL SAVE THE NEXT ONE ARTUR” EVEN THOUGH I HAVE REPEATEDLY TOLD THEM THAT I DO NOT RESPOND WELL TO POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS INCREDIBLY RUDE!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NEXT TIME THEY ASK ME FOR TICKETS I’M GOING TO SAY I DONATED THEM ALL TO A YOUTH CHARITY EXCEPT I’M GOING TO SAY IT IN A WAY SO THEY KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER DRINK DIET PAINT THINNER THAN SEE THEIR GOOBER FACES AT VITALITY STADIUM EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!! THEY WERE ALL CHEWING THEIR FOOD WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN!!!!!!!! IT WAS SO DISTRACTING!!!!!!!! WHO CHEWS A HOT DOG 437 TIMES?!?!?!?!?!
5. ROBERTO FIRMINO’S HAIR—IT LOOKS LIKE A SCALP ERECTION AND IT’S NOT APPROPRIATE TO HAVE THAT THING BOUNCE AROUND THE PITCH AS IF IT WAS WASHED WITH VIAGRA SHAMPOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOOTBALL IS A FAMILY SPORT!!!!!!!!!! IT IS A PLATFORM FOR UNSPEAKABLE VIOLENCE AND HATE FILLED COMPETITION NOT LEWD HAIRDOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW ARE THERE NOT LAWS AGAINST PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF HAIR PENISES?!?!?!?!?!!
6. GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY—THIS IS THE START OF THE THINGS THAT MADE ME HAPPY ANGRY AND NOT EMBARRASSED GRIZZLY BEAR ANGRY!!!!!!!! GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY IS THE GREATEST INVENTION SINCE THE TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT T-SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. RYAN FRASER AND STEVE COOK SCORING TWICE IN TWO MINUTES—WHEN MY TEAMMATES DID THIS TO MAKE IT 3–3 LATE IN THE GAME I REALIZED THAT THIS MUST HAVE BEEN HOW LIVERPOOL FELT WHEN THEY DID THE SAME THING IN THE FIRST HALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS BROUGHT ON A CONFUSING MIX OF EMOTIONS THAT I DID NOT APPRECIATE!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I HATE SEEING THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE’S PERSPECTIVES AND FEELING A CONNECTION WITH ALL OF HUMANITY THAT SUPERSEDES OUR ARTIFICIAL DIVISIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. NATHAN AKE’S 93RD MINUTE WINNER—THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR THE RUSH OF JUBILATION THIS GOAL MADE ME FEEL!!!!!!!! NOT EVEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CELEBRATING WITH AN OPEN MOUTH FULL OF HALF CHEWED HOT DOG COULD RUIN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THAT JURGEN KLOPP!!!!!! TAKE THAT CORN!!!!!! TAKE THAT ROBERTO FIRMINO’S THROBBING HAIR PENIS!!!!!!!!! YOU WERE DEFEATED BY THE POWER OF BOURNEMOUTH AND THE ALL KNOWING GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY ROBOT THAT PRESUMABLY FEEDS ON LABRADOODLE PUPPIES IN ITS SPARE TIME!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!
Before Heidenheim’s 2. Bundesliga match at Hannover 96, goalkeeper Kevin Müller sweetly went to high five the outstretched hand of a Hannover mascot. What he did not know was that he was blindly wandering into a trap devised by the vicious mind of a child.
As Müller swung his arm for the friendly greeting, the child pulled back and dabbed as Müller felt the breeze against his gloved palm. Müller smiled, because he had to, and turned away, presumably vowing to never trust the good nature of a child again.
This is just the latest example in a long history of child mascots showing professional footballers who’s boss. In 2013, a Spurs mascot laid waste to Luis Suarez, then with Liverpool, in the pre-match handshake line.
And then there’s the original master. I’m not sure Steven Gerrard ever recovered from this.
What would’ve happened if El Clasico didn’t end when it did
(Barcelona/Twitter)
A late Sergio Ramos equalizer stunned the Camp Nou and salvaged a 1–1 draw for first-place Real Madrid. Luis Suarez gave Barcelona the lead in the 53rd minute, but Ramos’ uncanny knack for scoring when it’s most needed stopped Barca from cutting into Real Madrid’s six-point lead. And it’s a result like this that truly begs the question, “What if it continued?”
97’ — Zidane continues to be unsure why other people find this football manager business to be difficult.
101’—During a stoppage in play, Barcelona midfielder Denis Suarez sees that Marcelo is about to ask him a question and preemptively says, “No, I’m not related to Luis” while rolling his eyes. Marcelo silently turns around and walks away.
106’—Casemiro reverses global warming, cures heart disease, negotiates peace in the Middle East, gets no credit.
108’—Cristiano Ronaldo thanks Javier Mascherano for trying to take his shirt off for him, but asks that he pull harder so as to ensure that he gets the job done.
114’—Gerard Pique tries to commit an idea for a sure to be controversial post-match tweet to memory.
117’—Sergio Ramos considers scoring again, but decides to wait until the final seconds of the next cup final.
123’—Lionel Messi misses with another shot on goal and sighs in a manner that is interpreted by the media as a clear indication that he will sign with both PSG and Man City for record fees in January.
129’—Following his loss to Chelsea earlier in the day, Pep Guardiola texts Barca president Josep Maria Bartomeu “just to say hi” while watching YouTube videos from the 2010/11 season.
135’—Cristiano Ronaldo “accidentally” drops the Euro 2016 trophy in front of Messi and asks how all his runners-up medals are doing. Messi sighs in a way that is interpreted by the media as a clear indication that he will sign with both Inter and the LA Galaxy next summer.
138’—Catalan scientists feverishly work to find a way to ensure that Andres Iniesta can play forever.
139’—James Rodriguez suddenly remembers that he exists.
140’—The match is abandoned when the Spanish tax authorities arrest everyone on both sides.
Dumb Metz fans ruin a match their team was leading
(Lyon/Twitter)
Shortly after 13th-place Metz took a 1-o lead over fifth-place Lyon at home, their fans decided things were going entirely too well and figured they should ruin everything with a bang. And so, these idiots threw a firework onto the pitch, which exploded next to Lyon keeper Anthony Lopes.
While Lopes was on the ground receiving treatment, another firework was thrown and exploded beside him. This was when match officials abandoned the game and sent everyone back to the dressing rooms.
Breaking | Metz vs Lyon sees play suspended after firecracker exploded next to goalkeeper Anthony Lopes. pic.twitter.com/491XBlttgQ
According to Lyon, Lopes was taken to a local hospital for tests. Metz have since announced that they have identified the culprits. Severe punishments seem likely to follow.
Chelsea defender Gary Cahill proved to be Man City’s best finisher, helping the London side to a 3–1 comeback win that caused City to come unhinged as the match progressed.
Frustrated that calls weren’t going his way as the flubbed opportunities on goal piled up, the strain of not being able to stroll through the Premier League as he did the Bundesliga began to show in Pep Guardiola when he sarcastically applauded the ref like a loon in the second half.
Goals from Diego Costa, Willian, and Eden Hazard made up for Cahill’s own goal just before halftime and led City to adopt an “if you can’t beat ’em, injure ‘em” approach in the final minutes.
Sergio Aguero resumed his attempts to maim David Luiz and was shown a red card, as a result.
In his post-match press conference, Guardiola claimed that Aguero’s flying knee kick on Luiz wasn’t intentional, but he did apologize for his team’s behavior.
PEP: "It’s a pity it finished like this (full time incidents), I don’t like that. I apologise for what happened." #cityvcfc
For all the pre-season talk about Guardiola and Jose Mourinho in Manchester, Antonio Conte is not so quietly turning Chelsea into the most formidable side in the Premier League. Even with Gary Cahill scoring against his own team.
What would you get your favorite football personalities for the holidays?
(Art of Football)
We’ve teamed up with our good friends at Art of Football once again for a holiday competition that puts your ability to come up with the perfect gift ideas to the test.
Send your gift picks to dirtytackle@gmail.com before Friday, December 9, 2016. We’ll publish the best entries and pick two winners, who will each receive an Art of Football gift card. So make sure your gift choices are a perfect fit! Good luck.
“Buying these products will give me more money to not spend on necessary players.”
As the holiday shopping season tightens its death grip on your wallet, you’re likely to encounter some inexplicable anomalies born out of retail over-exuberance. The official shops of football clubs around the world are reliable creators of these questionable products. Here are a few that you might want to pick up for a person in your life who you’d like to deeply confuse.
Arsenal’s three-pack of Arsene Wenger 20th anniversary socks
It’s bad enough getting socks as a gift, but getting socks that commemorate the anniversary of a manager’s time with a single club adds a strange extra layer to it. Of all the products you can use to celebrate Wenger’s time with Arsenal (and the club offers a sizable variety of them), why socks? Are they meant to be a conversation piece?
“How about Wenger being at Arsenal 20 years. Pretty incredible in this day and age.”
“Yeah, just look at my socks.”
“Oh, yeah, ‘Arsene Wenger 20 years.’ There it is. On your socks. That’s…hey, let’s talk about something else now.”
St. Pauli’s skull and crossbones advent calendar
Yes, St. Pauli are Germany’s punk-rock pirate football club, but the grim motif of this product seems out of place given that it’s meant to help eager children count down to the birth of Jesus/a joyous toy jackpot. Perhaps the subtext being conveyed here is that even if all of your Christmas wishes don’t come true, we’ll all be dead some day, so it doesn’t really matter in the end.
Villarreal underwear
If the previous product was far too dark, then this one is way too bright. If your goal is to never have sex again, then this is the underwear for you.
West Ham junior Christmas abomination
Making a child wear something this ugly is worse than putting coal in their stocking. It’s the kind of thing you buy and then use as a threat to keep your kids in line.
“If you don’t calm down and behave, Jimmy, you’re gonna have to wear your West Ham junior multi Christmas sweatshirt and stand outside for 45 minutes!”
“NOOOOOOOOOO!”
Lyon lion statue
“Shit. I spilled the paint on it.”
“Eh, we’ll call it art and charge €189 for it.”
Spurs personalized vodka
Of all the things to personalize, a bottle of vodka is a weird one. But then you realize that it’s probably the thing Spurs fans need the most, and it makes total sense.
Monaco v Young Boys Champions League third qualifying round friendship scarf
If you really want to confuse someone this holiday season, get them this year-plus old half and half scarf commemorating the Champions League third qualifying round battle between Monaco and Young Boys that Monaco are still selling for some reason. If there was ever an item that symbolizes the question “Why?” it’s this one.
Swansea City body wash, perfume, and lotion gift set
“Ooo, smells like relegation…and nothing like the products I actually wanted.”
Bayern Munich steak and grill seasoning
Ingesting something that evokes images of a smirking Thomas Müller would give anyone pause, so Bayern include a detailed explanation of this product. “For marinating barbecue steaks (veal, lamb, beef, pork), poultry, fish, vegetable sticks and seasoning vegetables and fruit,” they explain. They also offer a “special tip”: “The spice contains salt, so be careful when salting!”
I’m assuming Franck Ribery was adamant about including that bit.
Sunderland toothbrush twin-pack
The only thing that can scrub away the bad taste in your mouth left by watching Sunderland play.
If there was a giant hornet’s nest coming straight for you at 100 mph, would you stick your foot in it? No. If you are a sane person, you would get out of its way and be thankful that you narrowly avoided disaster.
Well, West Ham goalkeeper Adrian is not a sane person. With the giant hornet’s nest that is Zlatan Ibrahimovic coming at him, he planted his studs right in Zlatan’s kneecap like a person who does not value their life whatsoever.
But did Zlatan grind Adrian into a fine powder and sprinkle him atop a latte right then and there? No. While Zlatan is most definitely a vengeful god, he is also a patient one. He waits for the right moment to strike in order to inflict maximum devastation. This is what he did to Adrian.
With Man United up 3–1 deep into injury time, Zlatan scored his second goal of the night, then stood over Adrian’s downed carcass with his arms held aloft, reveling in the crowd’s adulation that stung Adrian all over like a thousand hornets.
