The festive season is upon us and Thomas Müller is here to make your ears bleed a merry shade of red.
Appearing at a Bayern Munich fan club gathering, Müller did a duet of the holiday classic “Silent Night” (with a USA medal around his neck?). And, well, let’s just say that if they were carolers outside your door, you would immediately call the police.
Forgetting the words at the end was a fitting touch.
After hearing this, the Bundesliga might want to rescind their winter break so Müller has few opportunities to sing over the holidays.
Struggling footballers might want to invest in a swinging pocket watch
(Tigres)
A two-month goal drought is enough to make a player who had been Liga MX’s top scorer, averaging more than a goal per game since his arrival in Mexico, try just about anything to get back on track. For Tigres striker Andre-Pierre Gignac, that meant getting hypnotized. And not in the Notorious B.I.G. kind of way. Like, actually hypnotized.
Gignac visited hypnotist John Milton ahead of Tigres’ crucial Liga MX quarterfinal second leg against Pumas on Saturday, and whatever he did seemed to work. The French striker netted his first goal since Sept. 18 and went on to complete the night with a hat-trick in his team’s 5–0 win.
He even celebrated one of the goals by “falling asleep” in the hypnotist’s style.
So there you have it. Indisputable proof that hypnosis is the greatest cure for poor form. Man United should hire this John Milton character to be their next manager.
The Liverpool manager throws cold water on the club’s newest darling
(Liverpool FC)
Seventeen-year-old Ben Woodburn became Liverpool’s youngest scorer ever when he sealed their 2–0 win over Leeds in the EFL Cup. The Cheshire-born Wales U-19 striker is providing the club with a jolt of excitement, especially with their tiny Atlas, Coutinho, out injured. This is only natural when a kid who hadn’t even been born when Steven Gerrard made his Liverpool debut breaks a record previously held by Michael Owen. But Jurgen Klopp is determined to nip that shit in the bud.
After the match, Klopp told the press (via ESPN FC):
“In this case, Ben Woodburn. There’s a lot of things to do, especially to keep the public away as long as possible. That’s quite a difficult thing to do. But on the other hand, we only bring him in because we want to use him. So that means when he’s on the pitch he’s absolutely allowed to score goals, to prepare situations, to make crosses — how Trent [Alexander-Arnold] did, for example.
“So, all good. I’m really happy for him. The only problem is I’m a little bit afraid about you [the media]. That why I’m so quiet on this. Think and do what you want, but don’t write anything — only ‘Goalscorer, Ben Woodburn.’ Done. Quite a challenge!”
And to make sure young Ben, who thinks the line “party like it’s 1999” means “party like it’s the year you were born,” doesn’t get a big head about his one career goal, Klopp made sure he knows that it wasn’t exactly a worldie.
“I don’t think it makes sense that I say the obvious things. So first of all, I said ‘Well done, but it was not too difficult! I would have scored too if I would have been in the situation!’ That’s maybe the truth. All good.”
This type of attitude might make fans of Christian Pulisic, another talented teenager, hope Liverpool do end up signing him. Or it might make them hope they don’t so Klopp can’t disparage every goal he scores and give him a complex about only attempting overhead kicks or something.
Anyway, Woodburn wasn’t the only Liverpool child making everyone feel old. The 18-year-old Trent Alexander-Arnold had an assist on the night, which is impressive considering he was a mascot for Liverpool the last time they played Leeds in 2009.
At this rate, in seven more years he’ll be president of the club.
The efforts to ensure that Chapecoense’s story doesn’t end with their overwhelming tragedy
(Chapecoense)
The plane crash that is believed to have killed 75 of the 81 people aboard a flight carrying Brazilian club Chapecoense to Colombia for the first leg of the Copa Sudamericana final could have been a tragic end to what once had the makings of a wonderful story.
Chapecoense climbed from the Brazilian fourth division to the top flight and their first ever continental final in a matter of seven years. This was supposed to be the high point of a club founded in 1973 that spent most of its existence in the lower divisions.
Now, only three members of the squad that traveled to Colombia are thought to have survived—Jackson Follman, Alan Ruschel, and Helio Hermito Zampier Neto—and three players who did not make the trip were left to mourn in an empty dressing room that once housed a now lost family.
Other clubs have been quick to rally around Chapecoense to try and ensure that the club can go on, to help those who remain and sustain the memory of those who have passed. Atletico Nacional, the club that would have faced Chapecoense in the Copa Sudamericana final, have asked CONMEBOL to declare Chapecoense, their “brothers,” champions of the tournament.
Back in Brazil, Flamengo, Palmeiras and Sao Paulo have all offered to loan players to Chapecoense for free (UPDATE: Argentina’s football federation made the same offer on behalf of their member clubs, as well). They have also asked that Chapecoense be exempt from relegation for three years. In addition, Palmeiras, who have already won Brazil’s domestic title this season and were the last opponents Chapecoense faced, have stated their desire to wear Chapecoense’s kit during their last match of the season.
Discussion of sporting interests might seem wholly unimportant in the immediate aftermath of such shocking devastation, but this is more about a community coming together than trophies or squad replenishment. It’s about trying to minimize future loss that would compound what has already been experienced. It’s about making do as best as they can.
Sometimes people need help and just can’t bring themselves to say the words. This is clearly the situation Arsenal midfielder Santi Cazorla finds himself in, as the people who dress him are making his life miserable.
You can plainly see how uncomfortable he looks in this multi-colored denim and leather nightmare he wore to a red carpet event.
In all seriousness, you've got admire Santi Cazorla's dedication to the ☆NSYNC circa 2001 look pic.twitter.com/qLmDMvTan7
And at a photoshoot for Arsenal’s Christmas sweater, he was definitely questioning his life choices (while Mesut Özil enjoyed the garment a bit too much).
Now compare that to how content he looks when finely dressed and surrounded by other footballing gentlemen. He’s filled with the joy of a boy whose older brother lets him hang out with him and his friends at a wedding, even if it’s just so they can see how drunk they can get the poor kid.
I’m afraid that bringing attention to this matter is all I can do, but if you are in a position to better help Santi, please do. I beg. The man is clearly being held hostage by his stylists and sponsors and it must end now.
These were just two of the more recent examples of his gravity defying methods of scoring. It’s become such a familiar occurrence that Fenerbahce’s club shop has started printing shirts with Sow’s name and number upside down since he spends so much time in that position.
Fenerium, Moussa Sow'a özel yeni "ɐssnoW ʍoS" formaları üretti ve satışa çıkarttı. Tebrikler! ? pic.twitter.com/1EMayYQQR6
Mourinho pays tribute to his personal hero, Arsene Wenger
(SportsJoe.ie)
Jose Mourinho was sent off for the second time this season after he kicked a water bottle when Paul Pogba was booked for diving in the first half of Man United’s 1–1 draw with West Ham. In fairness to Mourinho, it definitely could have looked like a bookable challenge from his angle on the touchline, but it wasn’t and now he’s been sent off at Old Trafford as many times as he’s won there this season.
The action that got Mourinho sent off this time, however, might have been inspired by his favorite person in the world, Arsene Wenger. Back in 2009, Wenger was also famously punished for kicking a water bottle at Old Trafford. Surely this was just Mourinho’s latest attempt to be more like the man he once labeled an “expert in failure.” It would certainly explain the last two seasons of his career.
Mourinho has now fallen behind a pace that got David Moyes sacked in April of his first and only season in charge at Man United. Under Mourinho, the Red Devils are currently sixth in the Premier League and closer to 18th-place Hull City (nine points ahead) than first-place Chelsea (11 points back).
Mourinho 2 points worse than Moyes was at this point in the season and United have spent $615m since they fired DM. Yikes.
On the bright side, Man United are undefeated when Mourinho gets sent to the stands (they drew 0–0 with Burnley in October the first time it happened). So maybe he should do this more often?
The American makes history and blows the mind of a BBC writer in the process
(Swansea City)
It took six matches, but the first American manager in the Premier League finally became the first American manager to win in the Premier League as Bob Bradley led Swansea City to an absurd 5–4 victory of Crystal Palace.
If Bradley was ever going to get a win with his abysmal Swans, it was going to be against Palace, who had lost all of their previous five matches. But Wilfried Zaha opened the scoring for Palace in the 15th minute. Gylfi Sigurdsson equalized in the 36th minute and Leroy Fer put Swansea up 3–1 with two goals in two minutes after the break. James Tomkins got one back for Palace in the 75th minute and then the match took a hard turn into the depths of madness.
A Jack Cork own goal made it 3–3 in the 82nd minute and Christian Benteke put Palace up 4–3 in the 84th minute. At this point, a last-place club that just squandered a 3–1 lead thanks in part to an own goal would’ve rolled over and died, but Bradley’s squad didn’t do that. And what happened next blew the mind of BBC minute by minute writer Saj Chowdhury and everyone else who saw it.
After the match, Bradley was full of praise for his players.
“It’s been a difficult season so far, there have been a lot of things that just didn’t bounce the right way and we have just come off that crazy late goal at Everton.
“But the players still show up every day with a really good mentality. I love working with them and I couldn’t be happier for them.”
Swansea City are exceptionally bad, but you can’t say they’re boring.
In the 15th minute of the 2016 Champions League final, Sergio Ramos scored to put Real Madrid up 1–0 over Atletico Madrid. Ramos appeared to be offside when he scored, but referee Mark Clattenburg allowed the goal to stand. In the second half, Atletico’s Antoine Griezmann missed a penalty, but Yannick Carrasco scored in the 79th minute to send the match to extra time, then a shootout, which Real Madrid won 5–3.
This being the second time in three years that Real Madrid beat Atletico in a Champions League final made the result especially difficult to handle Los Rojiblancos supporters. One fan in particular feels someone must pay for this result, though. As in actual money. So he’s suing both UEFA and Clattenburg in Spanish court
The claim made by Rojiblanco supporter José Antonio Campón is for a total of €1,660 euros (€160 for the price of the ticket and €1500 for “moral damage” caused) and, as is written in the official suit document, fingers the blame at UEFA for “not applying all means to safeguard the fulfillments of regulations and choose persons (Clattenburg) who did not fulfill their duty as would be demanded”.
MORAL DAMAGE! That’s a laughable claim, but Campón’s flawed logic only gets more flawed:
“If you go to the cinema and there is no sound, they give you back your money,” he said. “This is the same thing. There is a regulation and it has been breached. It is negligence and in your job, and when you are negligent you pay the consequences. That is why we address the claim to the employer (UEFA) and his employee (Clattenburg) as responsible.”
Comparing an audio malfunction at a movie theater to a controversial goal in a football match is flat out stupid. By this line of thinking, should Griezmann also be sued for not putting a shot on target with his penalty? Should Atletico’s defenders pay out for not containing Sergio Ramos? Should their goalkeeper be punished for not stopping a single spot kick in the shootout?
The reason Campón is targeting UEFA and Clattenburg is to highlight the need for video technology in football, but a frivolous lawsuit seems unlikely to be the instrument of change on that front. If anything, all this is likely to do is give Cristiano Ronaldo the idea to sue his teammates when they don’t pass to him.
A bad idea is proven to be even worse than you might’ve thought
These Blair Witch movies keep getting worse
Many people have had the idea, but few have actually tried it. To go on a inexpensive stadium tour the day before a big match and hide in the bathroom overnight, then emerge before kickoff and laugh at all the rubes who paid over the odds to attend. It’s the kind of thing you half-jokingly discuss over a few beers, but never actually put serious thought into how it would work.
Well, a couple of YouTubers have given it a go—at Old Trafford, no less—and the documentation of their miserable experience should be enough to dissuade anyone else from trying it.
At nearly 20 minutes, their video is tough to watch all the way through, but if you skip around you’ll get a good enough idea of what happened. Basically, they paid to go on an Old Trafford stadium tour the day before Man United-Arsenal and when the time was right, they slipped away from the group and successfully evaded staff before ducking into one of the concourse bathrooms and each taking up residence in a toilet stall.
Now, this where two of their major planning errors became evident.
They chose to carry out this plan in November. It gets cold in November. And this makes sitting on a stadium toilet all night even more of an endurance test (one guy tried stuffing toilet paper into his coat for warmth, but it didn’t help). They should’ve done this in either August/September or April/May.
They didn’t bring enough food. I mean, come on now. If you’re going to sit on a toilet all night, you might as well pack a feast.
Frozen and starved, the two stadium stowaways successfully navigated a couple of hilarious and panicky conversations with stewards through the toilet stall doors the next morning before finally emerging a few hours before kickoff. It seemed they had pulled it off, but after the match began, the authorities caught on (presumably because they didn’t have seats) and the jig was up.
After admitting what they did and complying with a few rounds of interrogations, they missed the game but got away without any serious repercussions. And a terrible experience in the name of Internet notoriety came to an end.
If we learn anything from this caper, it’s that paying 10 times the face of tickets for a big match is so much better than quietly sitting in a frigid stadium bathroom all night and then being laughed at by the police (it would’ve been great to see their faces when they unzipped his coat and all that toilet paper insulation floated to the ground) instead of getting to see the game.
