Atlanta United will join MLS next season (along with Minnesota United), which means they’ll need something to wear. So on Tuesday night, they unveiled their first ever home kit. And it looks rather familiar.
Here’s Atlanta’s new kit…
(Atlanta United)
And here are a couple of kits worn by the MetroStars (now the New York Red Bulls)…
Of course, there’s also a distinct similarity to the Milan’s famous home kit. That’s not to say that any of these comparisons are a bad thing. It’s an attractive enough design. But Atlanta will surely hope to have more success in their kit than the MetroStars did.
The Jurgen Klinsmann era appears to have run its course
(FIFA/AFP/EZEQUIEL BECERRA)
Losing in Costa Rica after losing to Mexico at home to start the Hexagonal round of CONCACAF World Cup qualifying was always a distinct possibility for the U.S. Even with the “dos a cero” streak against Mexico and a 4–0 win over Costa Rica in the Copa America group stage last summer, both those teams are arguably better than the U.S. So it’s not the fact that they’ve lost to both of these teams in a matter of days that’s the problem. It’s the how that’s the killer.
In spite of a grievous tactical miscalculation from the start against Mexico, the U.S. could have come away with a respectable 1–1 draw…had it not been for a defensive lapse that allowed Rafa Marquez to score an 89th minute header for the win. Against Costa Rica, the U.S. conceded shortly before halftime, then completely lost control of all bodily function and allowed three goals in a span of 10 minutes after the break.
This was the first time they conceded four goals in a World Cup qualifier since 1968 (the dark ages of U.S. soccer) and the result leaves them bottom of the table, having conceded more goals than Trinidad & Tobago. As Bobby Warshaw wrote after the Mexico loss, Jurgen Klinsmann is proving incapable of leading this U.S. team. These weren’t just losses, these were losses that demonstrated bad ideas, poor communication, and clear motivational issues.
Of course, these were only two matches and the U.S. has plenty of time to regroup and qualify for the 2018 World Cup. But the manner in which they reached this position is undeniably troubling and demands questions be asked as to whether a new leader is required to right the ship.
It’s entirely possible that a new manager does no better than the current one. I doubt anyone looks at this group of players and thinks they have the untapped ability to go out and consistently run the table (aside from Christian Pulisic, who is still just 18 years old) right now. But at this point it’s difficult to come up with an argument for keeping Klinsmann and not giving change a try.
It’s been six years since Klinsmann took charge of the team, which is an exceptional period of time for an international manager—or any manager of the modern era, for that matter. Even the most successful international managers see their command over a team unravel if they stick around long enough. And Klinsmann seems to have reached that point.
As Bobby mentioned in his pre-match Q&A session (watch the video below) and Grant Wahl later echoed, former U.S. coach Bruce Arena is a likely short-term replacement for Klinsmann just to get the team through the World Cup should a change be made. Obviously that’s not a step forward, but you have to bandage your head wound before you can put on a new hat.
The U.S.’s next qualifiers aren’t until the end of March, so if a change is to be made, this might be the last, best time to do it before the World Cup.
Leo Messi is cited as a beneficiary of this strange rule
(Man City)
In the wake of revelations about Pep Guardiola’s pizza and WiFi bans, I stated that he was turning Man City into North Korea. But I don’t think even Kim Jong-un imposes a sex curfew on his people.
Before we get into the details of this matter, first we must consider the source. Samir Nasri was loaned out to Sevilla at the start of the season because Guardiola didn’t like his attitude or level of fitness. He claims that Guardiola literally kicked him in the butt. So with that in mind, here’s what else Nasri has to say (via the BBC):
He told French TV programme L’Équipe du Soir that Guardiola “wants his players to be slim and fit”.
Nasri added: “He banned a lot of things in the kitchen but the biggest anecdote is that he says before a day off, those who want to have (sexual) relations it’s before midnight. And that’s with a day off the next day. It’s because he wants you to have a good night’s sleep.”
Nasri, who signed for City in 2011, added: “He said he told that to Messi, who since then does not get muscle injuries.”
OK, there’s a lot to unpack here. First of all, to be clear, this isn’t a sex ban, but a sex curfew…before days off. Secondly, if sex was causing Lionel Messi’s muscle injuries, I doubt the timing of it was as much of a problem as how he was doing it. Was he having sex on top of a bed of Ballon d’Or awards? Was he practicing a variation that involves running? I have no idea.
Third, this rule has surely created some dilemmas for Guardiola’s players over the years.
Pique: Want to go to the bedroom?
Shakira: But it’s 11:55 before your day off. Do we have time?
Pique: Plenty…
Pique thrusts at hyperspeed as his eyes are locked on a bedside clock that flips from 11:59 to 12:00.
Pique: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Shakira: YOUR HIPS…HAVE…LIED!!!
Pique collapses, out of breath and without release. The phone rings.
Pique: Hello?
Guardiola: It’s 12:01. There better not be any sex happening.
Pique: No, boss. There isn’t.
Guardiola: Good. I couldn’t tell from the cameras if you stopped or not. Next time leave the lights on.
Pique: Cameras?!? What cameras?
Guardiola: I AM PEP GUARDIOLA—SEEER OF ALL, KNOWER OF ALL. DO NOT QUESTION ME AGAIN.
Pique: Yes, boss.
Guardiola: Now I have to be sure Messi isn’t trying to have sex while wearing his rollerskate shoes again. Sweet dreams, Gerard.
And Middlesbrough fans are the best, because the keyword here is “fantasy”
I have no idea what is happening in this image
International breaks provide time for clubs to reflect on the season thus far. They also give the Premier League’s official website an opportunity to call out supporters of the two Manchester clubs for being terrible at fantasy football.
Since the Premier League’s official fantasy game asks participants what their favorite club is upon setting up a team, they’re able to track which club’s supporters perform best in the game. As it turns out, this is bad news for fans of Man United and City. Here’s the full table:
It’s unclear exactly why Man United and City fans are doing so poorly, but it’s interesting to note that most of the big clubs (with the exception of Liverpool) are near the bottom of the table—perhaps signifying that they have a larger number of casual fans who might not have the knowledge or commitment to be successful fantasy owners. Or maybe Pep Guardiola’s WiFi ban at City’s training complex is decimating their staff’s ability to play fantasy football and tanking their points average.
Meanwhile, Middlesbrough supporters top the table, proving that they did their homework before making their return to the Premier League this season. And Sunderland fans appear to know far more than David Moyes.
The “top-owned player” category is also interesting. It’s no surprise that fantasy points machine Sergio Aguero is listed 14 times. What is surprising is that Leicester fans have adopted inexpensive Watford midfielder Etienne Capoue, who has already scored four goals (double his output from the last three seasons combined) as their favorite over the likes of Jamie Vardy and Riyad Mahrez.
As for me, I’m with Hull City fans at 483 points, but I’ve done it without Aguero (I’ve remained loyal to Zlatan because I know what happens to those who don’t). I’ve also done it without paying attention to my fantasy team for the last eight weeks or so. This is not a strategy I would recommend for maximizing fantasy success.
Never let David Luiz lurk behind you. This is something everyone should know by now, but one Chelsea TV presenter didn’t learn until he got a surprise from a stone-faced Luiz while going about his business at the club’s Cobham training complex.
Be sure you have the sound on when you watch, because the noise that escapes his body as it happens is the best part.
Talented young footballer David Alaba tragically died during a Bayern Munich training session when teammate Rafinha mercilessly nutmegged him into oblivion. He was 24 years old.
Alaba’s teammates carried his lifeless body off to the side so they could resume training and his spirit could quietly endure an eternity of embarrassment. He is survived by his BFF Franck Ribery.
In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to donate to the David Alaba Memorial Fund, which aims to help footballers who have survived nutmeggings assume new identities in remote villages where the sport doesn’t exist.
For US fans, the best part of Friday night’s 2–1 loss to Mexico was the fearsome tifo featuring Christian Pulisic hoisted in the America Outlaws’ end of Mapfre Stadium before kickoff. What made it especially incredible for Dirty Tackle readers, and myself in particular, is the fact that it was inspired by a spooky DT post from our more exclamation pointy days in 2013 about Columbus, Ohio’s “dos a cero” tradition.
The section of the tifo behind demon Pulisic reminding Mexico of all their 2–0 losses in Columbus with his fingers featured the words “tiny demon fortress” and stars of previous dos-a-cero matches Josh Wolff, Oguchi Onyewu, Michael Bradley, and Landon Donovan—all of whom are referenced in “The terrifying Mexican football legend of Columbus, Ohio.” The phrase itself comes from this section:
They strategically placed Columbus, Ohio in a territory so nightmarishly bland that even They call it “flyover country.” It is a territory that only exists to make life miserable for Mexican footballers. And it’s there that They built their first “soccer specific stadium” — a term that loosely translates to “tiny demon fortress.” A David-like hovel that can only fit less than 25,000 people in a land of Goliath sporting cathedrals. Few Mexicans have been inside the Columbus Demon Fortress, but those who have say that it is a horrible place where the chants of “USA! USA!” penetrate the skull with their thunderous volume and maddening repetition. It contains rows of metal benches that offer terrible lumbar support and the scoreboard spews flames and black smoke when it has been too long since the last non-believer has been offered as a sacrifice.
I’m pretty sure this is the first time a DT post has been turned into a tifo and I’m very sure this one will be hard to top. I couldn’t be more proud. And I’m glad the people of Columbus feel the same way about their tiny demon fortress.
Special thanks to Evonne Segall for bringing this to our attention!
The US tempted fate with obsessive chatter about their active streak of 2–0 wins against Mexico in Columbus, Ohio that dates back to 2001 before the two faced off there in a Friday night World Cup qualifier. And in the end, 8,000-year-old Rafa Marquez made them pay for it.
Once the match was underway, Mexico struck first with a Miguel Layun goal in the 20th minute. This was followed by US goalkeeper Tim Howard leaving the match in the 40th minute with a groin strain, leaving the US one goal and one goalkeeper down at halftime.
In the second half, the US finally came alive and Bobby Wood equalized in the 49th minute. As the yellow cards piled up (there ended up being eight in total), the match seemed headed for a 1–1 draw. But then, in the 89th minute, Old Man Marquez emerged hopped above his walker and headed in what would be the winner.
Mexico’s Carlos Salcido was sent off during stoppage time, but it was too late for the US to take advantage and Mexico won 2–1, finally snapping the Groundhog Day-like repetition of their visits to Columbus and the US’s 15-year home World Cup qualifier winning streak.
“The good thing about football is that it gives you revenge,” Marquez said on Tuesday. “We’ve not done well here [in the past] and this is a new opportunity to trust in the group and the coach and get three important points.”
So if you’re wondering how a guy who has been around since man played bingo with the dinosaurs can still muster the big-time goals in big-time moments, the answer is revenge. The answer is always revenge.
We here at Dirty Tackle have prided ourselves on keeping you abreast of the latest developments in questionable food themed kit fashions. To recap, we have seen strawberry, blueberry, broccoli, octopus, beer, and ham kits from various lower division clubs across Spain to this point. But now this phenomenon has reached British shores with Bedale AFC’s sausage kit.
Why would an amateur club agree to wear a kit covered in sausages? Well, Bedale recently signed a partnership with local sausage manufacturer Heck Food (watch out, Abe Froman), so if having the word “HECK” printed across their shirts didn’t convey quality in the art of tube-shaped animal bits, the sausage blizzard design certainly will.
In addition to the shirt sponsorship, Bedale’s ground has been renamed Heck Stadium and we can only hope they are working on a sign reading “Welcome to Heck” that will put Galatasaray’s intimidation efforts to shame.
While Bedale’s sausage fest kit is impressive, it still can’t top CD Guijuelo’s ham kit.
At this point in time it has become abundantly clear that the sole purpose of Argentina’s national team is to make Lionel Messi’s life a living hell. There is no other possible explanation for the Mr. Hyde cup final performances of Gonzalo Higuain and how a team packed with so much talent can so often look like a group of tourists waiting for the Messi train to carry them to the casino buffet.
The latest indignity for Albiceleste Messi is a 3–0 loss to Brazil that leaves Argentina sitting sixth in CONMEBOL World Cup qualifying, with three losses after 11 matches and needing to climb the table in order to make it to Russia 2018.
“We didn’t expect this result,” rued Messi. “They were really tough opponents, but we expected a little more from ourselves. I think that, until the first goal, it was very balanced, but after the second they killed the game off. At 1–0 we were fine, it was even, but we didn’t know how to react [to that second goal].
“Now it’s a lot more complicated. We have to think about Colombia knowing that we have to improve greatly. We can’t afford to have one more match playing like we’ve been playing, because we won’t get out of this situation in this way.”
Perhaps this is a cosmic counterbalance to the fairytale existence he enjoys in Barcelona (tax issues aside), where he’s won everything possible several times over while surrounded by players who have done their share to accomplish this. But you have to wonder if Messi is starting to regret ending his 46-day international retirement after losing a third major cup final in as many years over the summer for a resumption of this anguish.
Of course, finally winning the World Cup for his country in 2018 would more than make up for all the pain he’s endured throughout his international career, but the team is struggling to even qualify for the tournament. And if they do qualify, they’ll probably make it all the way to final only to squander it late again, driving their captain over the brink of irreversible madness and prompting him to begin a new life as a Legoland ride operator named Tobias Jensen.
Messi doesn’t need this. He could be doing enjoyable things during international breaks—like spending time with his family, experimenting with his hair color, or tattooing and re-tattooing his left leg.
Instead, he had to endure a loss to Brazil in which Barcelona teammate Neymar became the youngest South American to score 50 international goals (Messi has 56 with 40 more caps). Well, enough is enough.
Messi should call it a day, maybe do a Didier Drogba and build a few hospitals in Argentina so his countrymen can’t say he never did anything for them, and focus solely on more rewarding past-times like thoroughly annoying Cristiano Ronaldo at the club level for the remainder of his playing career. It’s time.
That said, if he were to follow this advice, Argentina would almost certainly go on to win every trophy available to them over the next 10 years behind the steady leadership and timely finishing of Gonzalo Higuain in his absence, because life is cruel. Even to Lionel Messi.
