A new highlight in Cristiano’s prolific advertising career
The holiday advertising season is upon us and this year we’ve received the gift of a truly bizarre Cristiano Ronaldo spot for a Portuguese telecom company. In the commercial, Cristiano takes up the role Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, reenacting several of the film’s most famous scenes, with his real-life mother playing the role of his mom (naturally).
This is odd for several reasons:
Cristiano Ronaldo is a 31-year-old man (with a child of his own), so being left home alone should not be that unusual.
The commercial has a sitcom laugh track, which the film definitely did not have.
Again, Cristiano Ronaldo is a fully grown adult person.
That said, this is a truly spectacular piece of cinema and we can only hope it is just the beginning of Cristiano doing shot for shot remakes of other holiday classics like A Christmas Story, Elf, and Bad Santa.
What to do when opposing fans express their anger with delicious offerings
Down 1–0 to Lechia Gdansk just before halftime in a Polish Ekstralasa match, Pogon Szczecin’s Adam Fraczczak was preparing to take a penalty when a chocolate bar was thrown at him from the stands. Instead of getting angry, Fraczczak picked it up, took a bite, and tossed it aside with a thumbs up towards the stand from which it came.
While still chewing his unexpected treat, Fraczczak took his spot kick and scored the equalizer. The match went on to end 1–1.
It’s unclear why someone felt compelled to throw a delicious chocolate snack at a footballer instead of enjoying it themselves, but it clearly backfired—not only did they lose their chocolate, but Fraczczak used the sugar rush it provided to blast his shot past to keeper to eliminate Lechia’s lead.
It’s been a trying start to Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s time with Manchester United. He endured his longest goal drought since 2006 and Jose Mourinho has struggled to pull the club above the middle of the table. It seems all this has taken a mental toll on Zlatan, as evidenced by his interview in the December issue of Inside United magazine.
In that interview, Zlatan says:
“I heard a lot of things that the city is this, the city is that, the weather is like this and the weather is like that but, so far, everything has been good. The city is the best city so far.”
Two things:
It’s only early November. The weather will get worse.
Even people from Manchester might be surprised to see someone who has played and lived in the likes of Amsterdam, Turin, Milan, Barcelona, and Paris say that. It might sound like pandering given that he told this to the club’s official magazine, but the rest of the quote reveals a deeper issue might be at play.
“I come from Sweden, I don’t have big expectations when it comes to… how do you say it… outside football. I’m pretty simple, I’m a family guy. For me, they come in the first phase, the rest is less important. For example, when I was living in Paris, in four years I didn’t go to see the Eiffel Tower once — I wanted them to change the Eiffel for my statue but they didn’t do it! Maybe if they do it now, I will go to visit!” [Smiles]
Perhaps Zlatan’s extreme lack of awareness of his immediate surroundings impeded him from fully appreciating all that the other cities he’s played in have to offer. Or maybe he’s already taken one too many Marouane Fellaini elbows to the head during training.
“I want to stay here and finish here,” Ronaldo said. “It is not my last contract, I want to keep going until I’m 41 but now the most important thing is this special moment that makes me happy and my family, too.
“I’m at the best club in the world. Everyone knows what my thoughts are. I want to continue being the best. I want to wear this shirt with pride. I’m sure I’m going to contribute the same over the next five years as I have in my time here, scoring goals and winning titles.”
So why is Cristiano so intent on playing until he’s 41 years old? Well, since Lionel Messi has already retired from international football once at the age of 29, he must be convinced that Messi will be completely out of the game a decade from now, allowing him to finally in his version of heaven on earth: without Lionel Messi out there messing things up for him (pun intended).
No Messi to challenge him for headlines or scoring titles or the Ballon d’Or. No Messi to help Barcelona deny Real Madrid all the silverware they could possibly desire. No Messi for people to constantly ask him about, taunt him with, and hold above him.
And if Messi should play into his 40s as well, Cristiano will surely announce his desire to play until he’s 60. Or 70. Or even 100. He might be a step or two slower at that age, but he’ll probably still be scoring goals and showing off his abs. And above all, he’ll be living his dream.
When Barcelona come to town, clubs are forced to do everything they possibly can to try and stave off the seeming inevitability of defeat. So with that in mind, Sevilla tried to counter the magic of Lionel Messi with an illusion of their own in the form of a levitating ball. Behold!
The levitating ball was achieved through electromagnetic technology. Unsurprisingly, Messi’s wizardry outmatched this hypnotizing science as he scored to help Barcelona to a 2–1 win.
Next time, try making your players levitate, Sevilla.
Barbara Latorre moved from Espanyol to Barcelona in 2015 and on Thursday she scored a spectacular goal against her former club. After evading a studs-up challenge, two Espanyol players colliding with each other, and getting hauled to the ground from behind, Latorre got back up, prevented a last-ditch clearance attempt, and coolly slotted the ball inside the far post.
She could have easily played up the foul and urged the referee to send off her opponent, as we’ve seen so many other footballers do, but instead she kept her focus and determination to score then and there.
This goal has drawn lazy comparisons to Maradona and Lionel Messi, but that does a disservice to Latorre and a goal that stands on its own. Like Latorre herself after getting tripped by a defender.
Anyway, Barbara Latorre is obviously invincible. You’ve been warned.
Some players will do anything to gain favor with the officials
It’s not often that you see a player propose marriage to one of the officials before a match, but that’s what happened this week in the Slovakian fifth division. As FK Nizna and Tatran Chelbnice lined up before the match, Nizna player Lubomir Vajdecka got down on one knee in the center circle and proposed to lineswoman Petra Lepackova, who happened to be his girlfriend (a profound conflict of interest, if you ask me). She said yes.
Nizna went on to win the match 3–1 and Vajdecka wasn’t ruled offside once. Tatran Chelbnice should probably file a grievance with the Slovakian football association.
He also elbows people in the head when he wants (Rochdale AFC)
Rochdale striker Calvin Andrew has been given a 12-match ban—one of the longest in Football League history—for elbowing an opponent during his side’s 1–0 win over Oldham in League One. The incident occurred away from the ball and was not seen by the officials.
According to The FA, “the standard punishment of three matches that would otherwise apply would be clearly insufficient,” so Andrew was given far more than the usual three-match ban for violent conduct.
Andrew’s ban matches Joey Barton’s for kicking Sergio Aguero in 2012. Only Eric Cantona’s nine-month ban for kicking a Crystal Palace fan and Rio Ferdinand’s eight-month ban for missing a drug test have been longer.
Guardiola claims arguably his biggest win of the week
Three days after beating Barcelona in the Champions League, Pep Guardiola notched what might be an even more impressive victory by getting an apology from Yaya Toure for the one-sided verbal war Toure’s agent has been waging on Guardiola for months now.
Back in September, Guardiola vowed to hold Toure’s career hostage until he apologized for agent Dimitri Seluk’s barrage of insults and he’s done exactly that. Toure hasn’t played a minute for Manchester City since before that day.
At the time, Seluk remained defiant, telling Sky Sports “What do I need to apologise for? Guardiola wins a few games and thinks he is a king. I live in Europe so I can say whatever I like and Guardiola can’t stop me.”
Forty five days later, Toure has decided to comply with Guardiola’s demand by issuing an apology on his official website. It reads:
“I wish to apologise — on behalf of myself and those who represent me — to the management team and all those working at the club for the misunderstandings from the past.
“Those statements do not represent my views on the club or the people who work there. I have nothing but respect for Manchester City and only wish the best for the football club.
“I am immensely proud to have played a part in the club’s history and want to help City succeed further. I live to play football and entertain the fans.
“On that note, I would like to thank all of the fans for their messages through this difficult period. This means a great deal to me and my family.”
It seems likely that Toure did this against Seluk’s advice, but at 33 years old and not getting any younger, his desire to play probably exceeded his desire to stand up for free speech. And after that performance against Barca, who wouldn’t want to play for City right now?
At his Friday press conference, Guardiola seemed pleased with his latest victory. From ESPN FC:
“I have spoken with Yaya today,” the City boss said. “Of course, it was a private conversation. I know what happened, what he said, of course.
“It’s good news for Manchester City — that’s the most important thing — and for Yaya, whom I appreciate. I have known him from a long time ago.”
We can also confirm that Toure presented Guardiola with this apology cake on behalf of his agent:
It seems unlikely that Toure will be able to keep Seluk quiet for more than a few hours, so this likely isn’t the end of this saga. Of course, there’s also the possibility that Toure only apologized so he could get his revenge against Guardiola by sabotaging the team on the pitch, but we’ll just have to wait and see about that.
The true feelings of the Man United players turned pundits are revealed
Fenerbahce beat Manchester United 2–1 in the Europa League, adding to the woe of a Jose Mourinho side that is now off to a worse start than David Moyes or Louis van Gaal managed. Former Man United players Paul Scholes and Michael Owen worked the match for BT Sport and used their copies of the team sheet to express their feelings on their former club’s fortunes, as revealed by colleague Jake Humphrey.
First, the furious scribbles of Paul Scholes:
What immediately jumps out here is the pen-mashing rage evident in the hurricane of swirls at the top of the page. The circular motions clearly symbolize Man United’s fortunes going down the toilet in recent years. Beneath that is what could be a sketch of a prison cell, representing the team’s stifled play and inability to escape their poor form.
Perhaps most telling is the fact that he put a box around Jose Mourinho’s name and then crossed it out. Though Scholes stated during the broadcast that he believes Man United should stick with Mourinho for “the next couple of years at least,” it seems the 11-time Premier League champion is losing patience with the Portuguese.
So that’s a snapshot of Scholes’ tortured emotions. Now how about Michael Owen?
His own initials printed in big block letters (and spiced up with an exclamation point), a magic wand, a banana, the phonetic spelling of Kjaer, a stitched up wound and a cartoon face.
If I had to guess what this all means, I’d say that Owen believes he could be scoring more goals than Zlatan Ibrahimovic right now, that Man United need a magic spell to get the best out of Paul Pogba, that he doesn’t know how to pronounce conjoined letters, that bananas are yummy, that it would be funny if a piece of paper had a paper cut, and that Mr. Parenthesis Head is going to be Britain’s next great children’s cartoon.
