Tag: Arsenal

Chelsea attempt to trick Arsenal into keeping Arsene Wenger by letting them win another FA Cup

With the Premier League title already in hand, Antonio Conte plays the long game

(Chelsea/Twitter)

After Arsenal beat Chelsea 3–0 way back in September, their seasons have taken drastically different trajectories. Chelsea went on to methodically reclaim the Premier League title while Arsenal finished outside the top four for the first time in nearly two decades, had calls for their manager to be sacked become the hottest meme both on Earth and in its skies, and were once again booted out of the Champions League by the club (Bayern Munich) rumored to be taking their best and most disgruntled player (Alexis Sanchez).

Given all this, it seemed like a foregone conclusion that Chelsea would complete their double in the FA Cup final and Arsenal would complete their unravelling. But when the two teams took the pitch at Wembley, it quickly became evident that they had both reverted to their September form.

Alexis Sanchez gave Arsenal the lead in just the fourth minute with a goal that should’ve been disallowed for both a handball and offside. But instead of battling back, Chelsea let Arsenal outmuscle them and nearly score several more times before the half. Something was off. (And it wasn’t just Aaron Ramsey.)

In the second half, it became more clear what was happening: Chelsea were purposefully letting a side that has been dramatically inferior for the last eight months win a bit of silverware to try and mask the deep stench of failure with a spritz of success in order to trick them into perpetuating that dramatic inferiority. It’s been rumored for a while now that Arsenal’s board wants to extend Arsene Wenger’s contract, but just haven’t had an opportunity to make that known without starting a meme-riot. A trophy would celebration would be that opportunity, though. And Antonio Conte knew this.

Chelsea’s efforts grew brazen. Victor Moses, already on a yellow card, earned a second for diving and was sent off. For diving. Down to 10 men, it appeared Chelsea’s plan was guaranteed to work. But Wenger’s powers of self-sabotage proved strong. His decision to start David Ospino in goal rather than Petr Cech resulted in Ospino buggling in a Diego Costa shot in the 76th minute to let 10-man Chelsea equalize. This forced the Blues to again risk accusations of blatant match fixing by immediately letting Arsenal score again. This proved to finally be enough for Arsenal and they won 2–1.

The result gives Arsene Wenger a record seven FA Cups—as many as Chelsea have won in their entire history—and a record 13 for Arsenal. Now it could be asked how you could force out a manager who has won the third most important trophy available to him so many times. Conte mission: Accomplished.


Wenger (circled) celebrates his great success alone in the back

But after the match, Wenger cast doubt as to whether he would stay. Before he match, he said he never keeps his medals and trophies, always giving them away to others at the club. After the match, he said he would keep this one.

Of course, this could just be an attempt to trick the “Wenger Out” campaigners into momentarily abandoning their crusade to celebrate this accomplishment before he smites them by signing a lifetime contract.

Deception: The true magic of the FA Cup.

Dirty Tackle podcast

Jose Mourinho changes his tune on Arsene Wenger for maximum condescension

Mou knows how to make the most of a loss

Arsenal’s 2–0 win over Man United on Sunday not only ended the Red Devils’ 25-match unbeaten streak that could best be described as “an orgy of draws,” it also marked Arsene Wenger’s first win against Jose Mourinho in 13 attempts over his career.

As their personal rivalry has grown, Mourinho has reveled in his record against a man he once called a “specialist in failure.” But after Sunday’s match, Mourinho had very different things to say about Arsenal and Wenger. Things that might have sounded complimentary on the surface, but served a very specific purpose.

Mourinho said:

“The Arsenal fans, they are happy and I am happy for them.”

That’s so nice! Maybe this loss has finally humbled Jose Mourinho and convinced him that it’s time to make peace with his enemies. But wait, there’s more..

“It’s the first time I leave Highbury or the Emirates and they are happy. I left Highbury, they were crying. I left Emirates, they were crying. They were walking the streets with their heads low, so finally, today, they sing, the scarves, you know, it’s nice for them. It’s nice for them. Honestly. It’s nice for them.”

OK, now he’s starting to sound like a guy who just lost a Mario Kart race to a toddler who doesn’t know what any of the buttons do and can’t handle it.

“It’s a big club. It’s a big club. You think I enjoy the fact that a big club like Arsenal is not winning big trophies?”

Yes.

“I’m not enjoying that. Honestly.”

No one believes that, Jose. No one.

“Arsene Wenger is not a…a…small manager.”

The fact that he had to pause and build up the will to say that is telling.

“He’s a big manager.”

I’m 99% certain he’s referring to Wenger’s height here.

“So to have that record of winning so many matches, it’s something that is not normal. That’s not normal. Normal is win, lose, draw. It’s not normal.”

Translation: “One match doesn’t change the fact that I’ve beaten Wenger an abnormal amount of times.”

“And I really don’t care about it. I really don’t care about it.”

“I’m fine,” say the man with blood pouring from his nose.

“And today, there were no problems. We shook hands before the game, we shook hands after the game, and during the game I didn’t like what I never like: he puts too much pressure on the fourth official all the time. [Man United press officer ends press conference]”

And there it is. All that to work up to a parting shot about Wenger harassing the fourth official. He’s too afraid to go for a win against a top opponent away from home, but he still tries to take the high ground after losing. Truly a master at work.

The company behind every “Wenger Out” sign

“Wenger Out” signs are everywhere these days and one company is behind them all

An unoriginal man and his sign

The Wenger Out Sign Company has turned the dissatisfaction with the Arsenal manager’s job performance into an international business. Founded by Dan Dublinsky—a man who has never watched an Arsenal match in his life—in Caldwell, Idaho, the company sells signs made to look like they were hastily scrawled by a disinterested child to people all over the world who are desperate to feel one with the delicious power of memes.

Currently valued at $3 billion and preparing an IPO for the New York Stock Exchange, the Wenger Out Sign Company is profiting from Arsenal’s ongoing reluctance to make a decision about Wenger’s future.

Here’s the ad the Wenger Out Sign Company produced to air during the Champions League final this year:

For more ads from companies with doomed business models, listen to the Dirty Tackle podcast.

Alexis Sanchez killed by throw-in, shows off swollen lip

It was an undignified death made worse by an attempt to justify it

The world’s tiniest violin plays for Alexis Sanchez

Tragedy struck during Arsenal’s 1–0 win over Leicester when a Christian Fuchs throw-in struck Alex Sanchez at point-blank range, killing him, well, not instantly, but after a brief delay. He was 28 years old. He was also shown a yellow card.

After the match, the ghost of Alex Sanchez posted a pair of images to his Twitter account: one showing off a drop of blood (or maybe a drop of Sriracha?) on his swollen lip and the other of him holding a comically large ice pack to his mouth.

Our thoughts and prayers are with Alexis’ dogs, Atom and Humber, at this trying time.

Arsene Wenger celebrates having just the second most disappointing team at Wembley

In a battle of underachievers, Arsenal come out on top

Sitting seventh in the Premier League and the subject of an international meme calling for his dismissal, Arsene Wenger hasn’t had much to celebrate this season. So when Arsenal beat fellow high-profile disappointments Man City in the FA Cup semifinals, Wenger couldn’t help but briefly celebrate like he just blew up the Death Star.

In actuality, he just took a little more air out of the already deflated reputation of the once infallible Pep Guardiola, who, it should be noted, still occupies Wenger’s beloved fourth place in the Premier League while, again, Arsenal are in seventh.

Kun Aguero opened the scoring for City in the second half, but Nacho Monreal equalized for Arsenal soon after. The two underwhelming sides then plodded into extra time, where Alexis Sanchez issued a “For the love of God, get me out of here!” plea in the form of a 101st-minute winner.

From Wenger’s reaction to the victory, you might think that Arsenal would be facing a non-league team for the third time in the last four rounds (this isn’t counting Man City, who only play like a non-league side occasionally) come the final, but they’ll actually face Chelsea. And Didier Drogba has already threatened to return to England so he can continue to terrorize them.

But enough negativity. This was Arsene’s day. We should let him enjoy it. Because when your world is crumbling around you, it’s moments like this that prevent you from strangling Hector Bellerin for embarrassing everyone with his James Franco cosplay hairdo.

Arsenal broke Premier League rule by playing second half without a captain

An occurrence that makes perfect sense given the current state of Arsenal


As a fitting addition to the supporter infighting, the 10–2 aggregate loss to Bayern Munich for a seventh consecutive Champions League round of 16 exit, and Arsene Wenger’s general obliviousness, it turns out Arsenal played the second half of their 2–2 draw against Man City without a captain.

The Independent explains:

Laurent Koscielny, who wore the armband during the first-half in the absence of club captain Per Mertesacker, was substituted at the interval after sustaining an Achilles problem.

Gabriel replaced Koscielny in the heart of Arsenal’s defence but neither he nor any other Arsenal player wore a captain’s armband, thereby breaching Premier League rules on player identification.

This offense carries a fine of £300 for the first infraction (it then keeps doubling from there), which may sound insignificant, but that’s enough to prompt Wenger to personally staple an armband onto each of his players to ensure it never happens again.

The Indy goes on to report that the Premier League “are expected forego a fine on this occasion and merely remind Arsenal of their duties.” Wenger was asked who the captain was for the second half of the match and he said he “could not remember.” Which is what everyone says when asked who Arsenal’s leaders are over the last decade.

Theo Walcott was named Arsenal captain for their match against West Ham, which will likely prompt the Premier League to issue that £300 fine.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Arsenal fan civil war reaches physical violence and van propaganda stage

A textbook escalation in an increasingly bizarre conflict


Following the air battle over The Hawthorns, it was only a matter of time before the Wenger Wars escalated into a ground assault. I just don’t think anyone anticipated it would involve a van.

Prior to Sunday’s 2–2 draw with Man City, a fan bearing anti-Wenger messages was hired to drive around London.

This coincided with protest instructions being handed out to fans. Instructions that advised people to reply to every single thing Arsenal tweet with anti-Wenger hashtags and to tweet at the club’s sponsors. Because annoying Europcar’s social media manager is really going to get Wenger sacked.

After the match, things got even uglier when Arsenal fans attacked the production of ArsenalFanTV, convinced that the independent YouTube channel has been profiting by fueling animosities between the “Wenger in” and “Wenger out” factions.

https://twitter.com/EnekaQuamina/status/848633126985367554/video/1

Though it may seem like all of this is being orchestrated as part of a new Sacha Baron Cohen film, I’m afraid it’s all too real. It’s only a matter of time until someone ends up in the hospital after going on Facebook Live and threatening to hold their breath until Wenger leaves the club.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Arsenal fans debate each other in the skies over The Hawthorns

A good old fashion plane banner war!

Arsenal’s 3–1 loss to West Brom on Saturday marked their fourth loss in six matches, including a pair of 5–1 losses to Bayern Munich that spelled their seventh consecutive Champions league round of 16 elimination. Their only two wins in that span came against non-league clubs in the FA Cup.

They say that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the mark of insanity, but if Wenger’s repetition has driven anyone insane, it’s clearly more the fans than himself. Arsenal Fan TV is all the evidence of this anyone would need, but during the match at The Hawthorns, opposing banners were flown over the stadium, resulting in the lamest sky battle of all time.

One banner read “No contract #WengerOut” and the other read “In Arsene we trust #RespectAW” but the subtext of both was “We have been reduced to debating each other with rented plane banners…please help us.”

Of course, the plane banner expressing a desperate opinion on a manager’s job status is nothing new. Fans of other clubs have done it with varying results. But to have two opposing banners during the same match is a special kind of embarrassing.

After the match, Wenger spoke ominously about his future and the club’s current position. From the BBC:

“I know what I will do,” said Wenger. “You will soon know.”

The 67-year-old continued: “Today I do not necessarily worry about that. We are in a unique bad patch we never had in 20 years.

“We lose game after game at the moment and that for me is much more important than my future.”

It’s difficult to know what the future holds for Wenger, but I am looking forward to Arsenal’s next match, when the “Wenger Out” air fleet attempts to shoot down the “Trust Wenger” squadron.

Lincoln City cleaned their dressing room after 5–0 loss to Arsenal

The manners of the FA Cup

(Arsenal/Twitter)

Lincoln City became the first non-league club to reach the FA Cup quarterfinals in 103 years and their reward was a visit to Emirates Stadium to play against Arsenal. They kept the dream alive by keeping the score at 0–0 until just before halftime, then they lost 5–0 and did a bit of cleaning.

https://whatahowler.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-lincoln-city-the-first-non-league-fa-cup-quarterfinalists-in-103-d2cc80df404f

After such a harsh defeat, you might excuse the Imps for leaving their dressing room a little untidy, but manager Danny Cowley wasn’t going to have that. Inspired by the New Zealand rugby team, the former PE teacher believes that good guests clean up after themselves. And Arsenal weren’t prepared for that.

From the Express:

Lincoln representative had stunned Arsenal staff by asking for a vacuum cleaner.

“We always clean the dressing room wherever we go and make sure we leave it as we found it,” Cowley said.

“We conceded at Braintree last season a terrible goal in a pivotal game for us and ended up drawing 1–1 — but we still swept the dressing room.

“The All Blacks call it ‘sweeping the decks’ don’t they? If it is good enough for the All Blacks it’s good enough for us.”

This stands in contrast to how Arsenal left the dressing room on their visit to non-league Sutton in the previous round. They did donate £50,000 to their hosts after beating them, however, and that more than covers the cleaning costs.

Lincoln City’s FA Cup adventure is now over, but the dignity with which they go out is admirable, especially in the wake of Sutton United’s Piegate fiasco. That said, it’s probably just a matter of time before we find out that a bookmaker was offering odds on them cleaning the dressing room.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Laughing at Arsenal with Alexis Sanchez

Champions League deja vu will give you the giggles


Alexis Sanchez’s frustration with Arsenal’s annual implosion in both the Premier League and Champions League have reached the point where he has now been spotted laughing at his teammates’ ineptitude twice in a span of three days. Sanchez was benched for Arsenal’s 3–1 loss to Liverpool on Saturday after reportedly berating his teammates and storming out of a training session a few days earlier. Though he did start Arsenal’s third consecutive 5–1 loss to Bayern Munich in the Champions League (yes, third), he was taken off in the 73rd minute, giving him a chance to sit on the bench with unused Champions League winner Petr Cech and giggle into his hand.

So what was so funny? The following is a transcript of what he told Cech.

Hey Petr, you know what time it is? It’s 1o to. Get it? Because they’re beating us 10–2 on aggregate and that’s also a way people say the time of day. OK, OK, I didn’t make that one up—I got it from Bayern’s Twitter account.

Seven years in a row this club has gone out of the Champions League in the round of 16 now. It’s like watching the movie Groundhog Day, but without the main character who eventually learns something. Get it, Petr? Because Wenger keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. You haven’t seen Groundhog Day? Bill Murray? No? Well, don’t bother, because you’re living it right now. Am I right or am I right? Right. Right. Right. Hahaha no, I’m just joking. We’ve gotta laugh to keep from crying like Wenger when he sees a starting XI without Coquelin in it. Hey-ooooo!

Oh this is rough. But at least Xhaka got his yellow card, so he can go home happy. Maybe if I promise to buy Walcott a juicer he’ll score eight more goals in the next five minutes. Get it? Because he was all excited to get a coffee maker for scoring 10 goals before Christmas and then once he got it he completely stopped scoring in the Premier League. What a hump. And don’t get me started on Özil. It’d be better to have Walcott’s coffee maker out there. At least a coffee maker does something. Petr, get it? Because Özil doesn’t do anything. Haha it’s funny because I won’t be here next year to suffer through this all over again.

Anyway, I’m just upset that I didn’t think to get sent off like Koscielny so I could go back to the dressing room and scream into a pillow until the pain of existing in this prison of failure melts away. Ha. Man, do I hate everyone. Except you, Petr…except you.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/