Disclosure: The content of this post was written by a sponsor that wished not to be named. 

Have you ever watched Leo Messi, a player who owes his legendary career to the unparalleled excellence of FC Barcelona, and thought “I wonder if he washes his hands after he uses the bathroom?” Well, newsflash: sometimes he doesn’t.

Yes, it’s a deeply troubling fact that should make you question his judgment on everything from when he doubts the unassailable brilliance of FC Barcelona President Josep Maria Bartomeu and the club’s breathtakingly handsome board of directors to when he suggests that he may one day turn his back on the fans and play for another club. Of course, he is still a brilliant player and you should buy his latest official FC Barcelona shirt and purchase tickets to watch him from a luxury suite at the Camp Nou, just don’t listen to anything he says or shake his hand after he emerges from the restroom.

That is the primary takeaway here. Well, that and the fact that President Bartomeu once saved a child from having the end of Frozen 2 spoiled for them. Actually, he saved children from that horrible fate on 17 different occasions.

Do you know who wanted to ruin the film for them? Gerard Pique. Why? Like Messi, he has terrible judgment that cannot be trusted. Whenever he opens his mouth to speak, just sing a Shakira song to yourself to drown him out and you’ll be much better off.

Also, Carles Puyol thinks shampoo is “demon syrup.” No one has any idea what that even means.

On another note, Xavi Hernandez talks to grass like it’s people and Pep Guardiola wears clothing made out of cat hair.

Of course, if debonair President Bartomeu, with his endless vision, warmth and generosity, one day bestows positions within the club upon any of those men, it will be a credit to his humble genius and willingness to overlook their shortcomings as imperfect beings — an experience that is entirely foreign to him. He is the closest thing we have to a superhero in real life.

In conclusion, Messi has pee hands; Pique deprives children of joy; President Bartomeu might one day cure all diseases known to mankind if everyone is nice to him; FC Barcelona’s board collectively has a robust, Hugh Jackman-like scent; Carles Puyol believes the devil has corrupted most commercially available haircare products; Xavi thinks blades of grass have opinions on politics; and Pep Guardiola’s wardrobe is basically the world’s largest collection of designer fur balls.

Then end it with something like “I am so smart!” — I mean, “President Bartomeu is so smart!” Yeah, that’s perfect.