The transcript of a misunderstanding between teammates.
Tag: Barcelona
There’s going to be a Leo Messi amusement park in China
Like Disney World and LegoLand, but with more tattoos
Leo Messi will become the first footballer with his own amusement park when the Messi Experience Project opens in Nanjing, China. But instead of keeping it to himself like Cartman in that one episode of South Park, he will generously let other people enjoy it, too.
The press release explains:
The MEP project, which is based around an original concept, features the most cutting-edge technology enabling visitors to immerse themselves in all Messi-related activities by combining the latest-generation attractions with areas to play soccer like the pro himself. This is all possible thanks to the very best advances in content and multimedia attractions, all of which come together forming a great natural environment to enjoy the sport.
The MEP will boast over 20 attractions across its 46,000m of indoor facilities, alongside 12.000m2 garden game areas and 25,000m of public space. This project represents a unique global experience, with Messi himself involved via Leo Messi Management, Phoenix Group and Mediapro Group. The complex is set to launch in early 2019.
Specifics on those attractions won’t be made available for a few more weeks, leaving us to guess what they will be.
- More Than a Rollercoaster (It’s just a rollercoaster, but its operators claim there’s much more to it before you get on.)
- It’s a Small BarcaWorld (A leisurely boat ride past animatronic versions of Messi and and his many tiny teammates reenacting some of their greatest successes together.)
- Taxes: The Ride (Fill out all the Spanish tax forms the Messi family tried to ignore for years while locked in a nondescript office for several hours. Don’t mess up, or you’ll have to serve Messi’s prison sentence for him!)
- Maradona’s Merry-Go-Round (Maradona alternates between praising and berating you as you go ‘round and ‘round!)
- Mr. Xavi’s Wacky Pitch Game (Make sure the grass is the perfect length and dampness or Mr. Xavi will lecture you on how you are literally killing football!)
- Punch Gonzalo Higuain in the Face (Test your strength and release your pent up aggression on a Higuain lookalike who has helped Argentina win the same number of trophies as the real Higuain!)
- Luis Suarez Food Court (Sink your teeth into some delicious treats that may or may not be made from human flesh!)
- Carlos Tevez’s Tower of Terror (Climb the windy staircase all the way to the top of the tower, where you’ll find Carlos Tevez sitting quietly, then you walk all the way back down!)
- Arda Turan’s 3D Shoe Dodging Experience (Put on your 3D glasses, sit back, relax, and watch as Arda Turan throws shoes at you for three hours straight!)
- The Hall of Ambiguous Pique Tweets (Navigate a corridor of mysterious emojis and punctuation from the Real Madrid obsessed mind of Gerard Pique!)
- Dye Your Own Hair Pavilion (Make regrettable hairstyle choices that you’ll remember forever!)
With this announcement, it’s only a matter of time before Cristiano Ronaldo hastily opens an amusement park of his own on the island of Madeira to go with his airport, hotel, museum, and various statues.
Lionel Messi bleeds, scores, wins El Clasico
Lionel Messi chooses a good time to score his 500th Barcelona goal
For the second time in four days, Lionel Messi laid on the ground bleeding from his face during the first half of a match. Like Juventus before them, Real Madrid seemed determined to destroy Messi. And an unpunished elbow to the mouth from Marcelo nearly did the trick.
But, as he always does, Messi got up and played on. Fourteen minutes later, he scored his first goal of the day to make it 1–1. After a bit more abuse, and with Barca up 2–1, Sergio Ramos aimed a two-footed lunge at Messi to extend his club record for red cards and reduce Madrid to 10 men in the 77th minute.
Having survived all of this, Messi decided it was time for revenge. So, with considerable help from Sergi Roberto, he crushed the home side’s euphoria from James Rodriguez’s short-handed equalizer in the 85th minute by scoring a winner in the second minute of injury time. Not only did this goal put Barca above Real in the table, it also happened to be Messi’s 500th goal for the Blaugrana. He then celebrated in very un-Messi-like fashion by completely removing his shirt and calmly holding it up to the Bernabeu crowd.
He went from this:
Messi was the greatest also with this at his mouth…
To this:
Messi greatest ever.
Of course, he was shown a yellow card for taking off his shirt, but it was totally worth it. Also, with all the blood loss, he probably thought he was at the dry cleaners at that point and the card was his receipt.
Messi bleeds, Neymar cries, and Juventus prove their superiority over Barcelona
It wasn’t quite revenge for the 2015 Champions League final, but it was impressive
After losing the first leg of their Champions League quarterfinal against Juventus 3–0, Barcelona needed to repeat their dramatic comeback against PSG in the previous round. “If we score the first goal, the second will be scored by the Nou Camp and the third will come by itself,” said Barca manager Luis Enrique before the match. “Our objective is to score five goals."
Instead, they scored exactly zero goals. Juventus didn’t score, either, but they didn’t need to. Leo Messi landed on his head during the first half, opening up a cut on his cheek that made it look like he was crying blood, and that summed up his night.
Messi bleeding
And after the final whistle, Neymar cried actual tears, prompting former teammate Dani Alves to console him.
How much the Champions League means to Neymar... https://t.co/ga7uEnegft
Dani Alves comforting a distraught Neymar. Classy guy.
Maybe Barcelona used up all their magic in the previous round, but this was a performance very unlike them. They had 19 shots, but only one on target in the second leg. They were wasteful in front of goal, which is the one thing you absolutely cannot be when facing the likes of Gigi Buffon, Giorgio Chiellini, and Leonardo Bonucci. But saying that shouldn’t take away from Juve’s performance over the two legs. They jumped out in front by a healthy margin, then prevented themselves from repeating what happened to PSG.
Juve are a formidable side that are definitely capable of lifting the cup at the end of this. That is, of course, if Gonzalo Higuain doesn’t ruin it for them, as he has ruined so many cup finals before. Perhaps Messi would’ve warned them of this had they not dropped him on his head.
Here are several videos PSG fans should not watch
Barca fans celebrating and PSG players foreshadowing their own demise
The fallout from PSG blowing a four-goal lead over Barcelona in the Champions League round of 16 to lose 6–5 on aggregate has been severe. PSG fans waited at the airport so they could heckle the players upon their return to Paris and vandalized their cars. Meanwhile, a video published 24 hours before Barca beat PSG 6–1 in the second leg at the Camp Nou shows that blowing comfortable leads in the Champions League was very much on the minds of the PSG players going into the game.
Teammates Marco Verratti, Julian Draxler, Blaise Matuidi, and Thomas Meunier were filmed eating pizza and having a chat with the topic of conversation being their upcoming match. Matuidi expressed concern that the first 20 minutes would be toughest (the last 10 proved to be much worse) and that the giant pitch would give Neymar an advantage. After concluding that he still thinks they’ll advance, newcomer Julian Draxler planted the seed of doubt by relaying the story of when his Wolfsburg team squandered a 2–0 first-leg lead over Real Madrid. This prompted the PSG old boys to remember when they dropped a 3–1 lead over Chelsea. Needless to say, this was not the best conversation to have at this time.
The final result did provide a number of excellent clips of Barca fans reacting to the incredible comeback, which the club has neatly compiled into two videos that, again, PSG supporters should not watch. Enjoy. Unless you’re a PSG fan.
If it continued… (Barcelona v PSG)
Building on something that couldn’t get any better
Barcelona pulled off one of the greatest comebacks of all time, beating PSG 6–1 in the second leg of their Champions League round of 16 tie to overcome a 4–0 death sentence in the first leg and advance on an aggregate score of 6–5. Neymar scored twice in the final minutes to set up Sergi Roberto’s deciding goal in the fifth minute of added time. Even for a club accustomed to creating magic on the pitch like Barcelona, it was a truly incredible feat that may never be topped, but we still have to ask “What if it continued?”
97’—PSG’s Layvin Kurzawa suddenly regrets scoring an own goal in the 40th minute just for the hell of it.
101’—One of Neymar’s critics turns to a friend and says, “I mean, if he really was great he would’ve completed the hat trick…”
102’—Neymar completes his hat trick. The aforementioned critic shakes his head and says, “Of course he does it now that they’re already winning. So overrated.”
109’—Luis Enrique hopes this is enough to make everyone forget when he “accidentally” announced that he’s leaving the club the other day.
114’—Every deity from Zeus to the Flying Spaghetti Monster descends from the heavens, not only proving their existence to skeptics but revealing themselves to be Barcelona fans willing to do anything to please their beloved equal, Andres Iniesta.
115’—Barca fans are so happy that they forget to jeer Andre Gomes.
117’—Luis Suarez dives in the box. As he writhes in supposed pain, Gerard Pique whispers “We’re winning now, you don’t have to do that anymore.” Suarez nods and apologizes to everyone around him for the confusion.
120’—Frustrated by this turn of events, PSG’s owners, the Qatar Investment Authority, announce that all 2022 World Cup stadium projects will be converted into the world’s largest Jamba Juice locations.
125’—The Spanish government launches a criminal investigation into Barcelona, citing the club’s comeback as a strange new method of committing tax fraud.
131’—Liverpool congratulate Barca on providing them with an opportunity to remind everyone of the time they came back from 3–0 down against Milan, which was in the Champions League final, unlike this, which is merely the round of 16.
136’—The PSG players hold a seance in the middle of the pitch to try and summon Zlatan back to save them.
140’—Leo Messi wonders if he’s dreaming, but decides that this must be real life since everything around him isn’t made out of Lego pieces and it’s not raining ice cream.
142’—Pique humps the goalpost.
143’—Inspired by Barcelona’s achievement of the impossible, NASA lands a human beings on Mars after just 10 minutes of formal preparation.
144’—The polar ice caps spontaneously regenerate.
145’—The true meaning of life is discovered.
146’—World peace is achieved.
147’—The match is abandoned when PSG evaporate into a mist of previously unthinkable embarrassment.
Barcelona hire local accountant to replace Luis Enrique as manager
“We needed someone who can address our weaknesses,” says Leo Messi
Following the unexpected announcement that Luis Enrique will leave Barcelona at the end of the season, the club has announced that 52-year-old accountant Norberto Salvat will be the new manager for the 2017/18 season. Salvat has no experience in football and for the last 12 years has operated his own accounting firm in the city.
“A cardboard box could lead this team to several trophies,” said Barca president Josep Maria Bartomeu at an event revealing the decision. “As long as that box does not contain Tata Martino. Anyway, the only thing that could impede our success is if all of our players go to jail for tax evasion, which has become an increasingly real possibility in recent years. So we have hired a specialist in this area to be the manager and ensure this does not happen.”
Though little is known about Salvat, club insiders expect him to replace the squad’s football related training with an intense mix of Spanish tax code lessons and wealth management seminars.
“We don’t need someone to help us score goals, we need someone to help us with the government,” said Lionel Messi, who was given a 21-month suspended prison sentence after being found guilty of tax fraud last year, and is one of at least seven Barcelona players past and present charged with the crime. “I’m excited to learn from him.”
For his part, Salvat, nicknamed “The Catalan Calculator,” is quietly confident that he will be able to make his mark at the Camp Nou.
“I’ve never been much of a football fan, but I’m told this is a big deal,” he said. “I can’t make any promises about how the team will play, but I will ensure that their taxes will be done correctly and on time. Even that Pique fellow’s.”
Barcelona robbed of clear goal during draw with Real Betis
La Liga’s lack of goal-line technology costs Barca points
Barcelona had a clear goal disallowed late in their 1–1 draw with Real Betis, renewing calls to bring goal-line technology to La Liga. Real Betis shocked the visitors by taking a 75th-minute lead. Even more shocking, however, was when Barca appeared to equalize, but the referee failed to recognize that Aissa Mandi’s clearance was made well inside the goal.
Luis Suarez eventually scored an equalizer that did count in the 90th minute, but Barca will be left to wonder what could have been as they sit four points behind a suddenly unstable Real Madrid in the table.
Unlike the Premier League, Bundesliga, Serie A, and Ligue 1, La Liga does not have goal-line technology, as league president Javier Tebas claims it’s too expensive. After this, Barca might offer to foot the bill for the entire league just to avoid falling victim to the referee’s human failings again. Maybe some Barca players can pool their unpaid tax money to make that happen.
Real Madrid demand that Lionel Messi be banned from taking free kicks
Messi’s free kick success sparks accusations of wrongdoing
Real Madrid have formally requested that Lionel Messi be restricted from taking free kicks for Barcelona after scoring with them in three consecutive matches to start 2017.
The leaders of La Liga sent a letter to the Spanish football federation insisting that the Barcelona star must be investigated for his “suspicious” level of success since the beginning of the new year.
In the letter, Real Madrid write, “Our own free kick expert, Cristiano Ronaldo, assures us that scoring free kicks in three consecutive months is not physically possible, let alone three consecutive matches. Therefore, Lionel Messi must be utilizing some sort of illegal technology or wizard magic to achieve these dubious results.”
A Messi free kick produced Barcelona’s only goal in the first leg of their Copa del Rey tie with Athletic Bilbao upon returning from the winter break. Three days later, his free kick equalized in the 90th minute against Villarreal. And three days after that, another late free kick gave Barcelona the goal they needed to beat Athletic 4–3 on aggregate.
Real Madrid’s letter concludes by proposing Messi be prevented from taking free kicks in official matches until his boots can be inspected by experts and his whereabouts during the winter break can be accounted for, so as to ensure that he did not visit with any practitioners of the dark arts. It also suggests that Messi’s tax fraud could have been a means to cover up whatever is behind his free kick mastery.
Barcelona have vigorously denied any wrongdoing from Messi and insist he is simply from another planet.
Lionel Messi saves the day, volume 437
A 90th-minute free kick with a chance to equalize? You know how this ends
When someone is in mortal danger in the city of Metropolis, you know that Superman is going to swoop down and save them. There is no question that this will happen, but the reliable inevitability of Superman saving the day makes the act of it enjoyable, even in the absence of surprise.
Lionel Messi lining up a free kick in the 90th minute, with Barcelona down 1–0 to Villarreal, is the real world equivalent to this. You know he’s going to score and when he casually fires a perfect laser beam into the top corner there is no surprise, but the inevitability of it is what makes it so incredible.
This is how life works for fictional characters, not real humans.
Basically, what I’m saying is that Messi should be required to wear a cape when he plays.
