A less than ideal return from the winter break for Barca
Athletic Bilbao finished the first leg of their Copa del Rey round of 16 tie against Barcelona with just nine men, yet they still won 2–1. The result was as much of a shock to the visitors as Aritz Aduriz’s throat punch on defender Samuel Umtiti shortly before halftime.
Aduriz, who scored the match’s first goal, was not punished for the blow itself, but both he and Umtiti were booked for scuffle that took place once Umtiti regained the ability to breathe.
Bilbao scored their two goals in a span of three minutes during the first half, but Lionel Messi got one back in the 52nd minute. In the 74th minute, Bilbao’s Raul Garcia received his second booking and six minutes later, the same happened to teammate Ander Iturraspe, leaving the home side with nine men for the final 10 minutes.
Barca will surely be better prepared for the second leg back at the Camp Nou, perhaps even with throat protectors.
Holiday themed self-promotion can produce some very odd results
Antonio Conte: Overcome with holiday joy
Christmastime: One last frenzy of saccharine enriched consumerism to close out the calendar year. Many baffling sales pitches have been made under the guise of festive celebration, but football clubs seem to have a special knack for producing content of this type. And the holiday season is better for it.
Here are some of the latest examples.
Celtic FC
You know this is going to be unsettling the second Leigh Griffith appears as a tiny elf on a shelf, but when the kid opens the front door to find Brendan Rodgers looking at him like this…
…and doesn’t immediately slam it shut and run away screaming, you know you have entered a universe that has nothing to do with reality. Also, why are they giving this kid an entire shop’s worth of Celtic merchandise to hoard under the stairs? Aren’t there other young fans who would appreciate some of this stuff? Maybe even say “thank you” when a professional footballer magically appears to give him a free gift? Ungrateful little git.
Chelsea FC
Antonio Conte staring into the camera like he wants to murder your ancestors kind of distracts from the misdirect they’re trying to achieve, because by the time they get to everyone playing games and having fun, you’ve already wet yourself, turning your pants the same color as that godawful yellow shirt all the players are wearing.
Barcelona FC
There was a meeting where the following exchange took place:
“OK, our theme is ‘sharing happiness’…what’s the best way to convey that in one minute and 36 seconds?”
“Well what if we have Santa Claus, dressed as a history professor, in a psychiatrist’s office…”
“SAY NO MORE, MIGUEL. THIS IDEA IS ‘SHARING HAPPINESS’ BOILED DOWN TO ITS UNIVERSAL ESSENCE AND WE ARE DOING IT NOW.”
And whoever said, “Wait, isn’t that completely weird?” was overruled and probably fired, leaving them unable to buy gifts for their family this year. The end.
Arsenal FC
This is 100% batshit insane. The accents that sound like something out of an abandoned Pixar film. The continued degradation of Santi Cazorla. The attempt to appeal to Australians with tired caricatures of their own existence. The tacked-on “Merry Christmas” that has nothing to do with anything that just happened. Per Mertesacker trying to start a fire using his own body. The inclusion of a long forgotten Carl Jenkinson.
The fact that this video exists proves that we will never fully understand the universe or the human mind.
Juventus FC
After taking in all of the insanity we have to this point, it’s nice to end with a video that’s actually quite good. Juventus’ pizza loving zebra mascot Jay (OK, but this one is a little insane, too) fulfills a Christmas wish carelessly lost by an elf who may or may not be hopped up on methamphetamine.
To recap, more animated mascots and less creepy managers, please.
Way back at the beginning of the year—before we knew that 2016 would be a never-ending funeral march for everyone the world has ever loved—a picture of a young boy wearing a plastic bag fashioned into a makeshift Leo Messi shirt swept through the internet. Social media users united in an effort to identify the boy with the genuine hope of getting a real Messi shirt to him.
(Hamayon Ahmadi/Facebook)
In February, this campaign succeeded and the boy was identified as then five-year-old Murtaza Ahmadi from Afghanistan, bringing to light a series of events so adorable that they will turn you into a puddle of warm goo by the end of this post.
“When he suddenly wakes up in the middle of the night, he starts crying that he wants to go to Messi,” his father, Arif Ahmadi, told CNN from the family’s farm in Jaghori, south-west of Kabul.
Murtaza then started asking his father for a Messi jersey, Ahmadi said.
“I told him that we were living in a poor village far from the city and it was impossible for me to get him the shirt.”
“He kept crying for days asking for the shirt until his brother Hamayon helped him make one from the plastic bag to make him happy.”
UNICEF and Leo Messi ensured that Murtaza’s dream came true by getting an autographed (real) shirt to him, and Murtaza’s response was a perfect and heartwarming cap on a story that seemed to have reached its ideal conclusion.
But this wasn’t the end. Barcelona traveled to Doha, Qatar to play a friendly against Al-Ahly this week and arrangements were made to get Murtaza, now six, and his family to the match so he could meet his hero in person.
Now, if there were any conspiracy theorists who questioned Murtaza’s love of Messi and cynically thought this kid’s parents concocted a plot to get the internet to deliver them a free autographed Messi shirt that they could hawk on eBay, they were shut down when Murtaza proved his devotion by hugging Messi every chance he got.
In the tunnel, during pre-match handshakes—the referee had to pick him up and carry him off the pitch because he wouldn’t let go of Messi, smiling the smile of pure, all consuming joy every step of the way.
Few people have loved anything as much as Murtaza loves Leo Messi and to see him get the chance to express this love is a gift to us all.
What would’ve happened if El Clasico didn’t end when it did
(Barcelona/Twitter)
A late Sergio Ramos equalizer stunned the Camp Nou and salvaged a 1–1 draw for first-place Real Madrid. Luis Suarez gave Barcelona the lead in the 53rd minute, but Ramos’ uncanny knack for scoring when it’s most needed stopped Barca from cutting into Real Madrid’s six-point lead. And it’s a result like this that truly begs the question, “What if it continued?”
97’ — Zidane continues to be unsure why other people find this football manager business to be difficult.
101’—During a stoppage in play, Barcelona midfielder Denis Suarez sees that Marcelo is about to ask him a question and preemptively says, “No, I’m not related to Luis” while rolling his eyes. Marcelo silently turns around and walks away.
106’—Casemiro reverses global warming, cures heart disease, negotiates peace in the Middle East, gets no credit.
108’—Cristiano Ronaldo thanks Javier Mascherano for trying to take his shirt off for him, but asks that he pull harder so as to ensure that he gets the job done.
114’—Gerard Pique tries to commit an idea for a sure to be controversial post-match tweet to memory.
117’—Sergio Ramos considers scoring again, but decides to wait until the final seconds of the next cup final.
123’—Lionel Messi misses with another shot on goal and sighs in a manner that is interpreted by the media as a clear indication that he will sign with both PSG and Man City for record fees in January.
129’—Following his loss to Chelsea earlier in the day, Pep Guardiola texts Barca president Josep Maria Bartomeu “just to say hi” while watching YouTube videos from the 2010/11 season.
135’—Cristiano Ronaldo “accidentally” drops the Euro 2016 trophy in front of Messi and asks how all his runners-up medals are doing. Messi sighs in a way that is interpreted by the media as a clear indication that he will sign with both Inter and the LA Galaxy next summer.
138’—Catalan scientists feverishly work to find a way to ensure that Andres Iniesta can play forever.
139’—James Rodriguez suddenly remembers that he exists.
140’—The match is abandoned when the Spanish tax authorities arrest everyone on both sides.
When Barcelona come to town, clubs are forced to do everything they possibly can to try and stave off the seeming inevitability of defeat. So with that in mind, Sevilla tried to counter the magic of Lionel Messi with an illusion of their own in the form of a levitating ball. Behold!
The levitating ball was achieved through electromagnetic technology. Unsurprisingly, Messi’s wizardry outmatched this hypnotizing science as he scored to help Barcelona to a 2–1 win.
Next time, try making your players levitate, Sevilla.
Barbara Latorre moved from Espanyol to Barcelona in 2015 and on Thursday she scored a spectacular goal against her former club. After evading a studs-up challenge, two Espanyol players colliding with each other, and getting hauled to the ground from behind, Latorre got back up, prevented a last-ditch clearance attempt, and coolly slotted the ball inside the far post.
She could have easily played up the foul and urged the referee to send off her opponent, as we’ve seen so many other footballers do, but instead she kept her focus and determination to score then and there.
This goal has drawn lazy comparisons to Maradona and Lionel Messi, but that does a disservice to Latorre and a goal that stands on its own. Like Latorre herself after getting tripped by a defender.
Anyway, Barbara Latorre is obviously invincible. You’ve been warned.
Following a challenge that left his opponent with a bloody hole in his foot, Luis Suarez reportedly shouted “You dived, clown!” at Atletico Madrid’s Filipe Luis. Shortly after the match, Luis shared a photo of the damage Suarez did to his foot on Instagram, along with the caption “At least he didn’t touch me!”
A day after it was reported that Barcelona defender Douglas initially refused to go on loan to Sporting Gijon, where he eventually ended up this season, it has now been revealed that his hesitancy to join the club was well founded. The seats on their team bus are a threat to his physical well being.
According to Sporting physical trainer, Gerardo Ruiz, talking to sports radio show Onda Deportiva in Asturias, Douglas fell asleep on the bus in an uncomfortable position on the trip from Gijón to Vigo (a four [hour] drive across northern Spain) and when he woke up he’d injured his backside (strictly one of his gluteal muscles).
Coincidentally, Sporting’s next match is against Barcelona, so Douglas will have an opportunity to beg his parent club to take him back to the comfort of their superior bus seats.
The groin injury that forced Lionel Messi out of Barcelona’s 1-1 draw with Atletico Madrid in the 59th minute will keep him out of action for three weeks. “To lose Messi means that football loses,” said Barca manager Luis Enrique after the match. And with that in mind, the club announced they will accept applications from anyone interested in donating a healthy groin to Messi so he can return to the pitch as soon as possible.
“If you think you have a groin that is a match for Lionel, please notify us as soon as possible,” club president Josep Maria Bartomeu announced. “And if Messi is able to use your groin, we will reward you with an autographed picture and a special shirt that says ‘Messi has my groin.'”
Though many of Messi’s legion of fans are likely eager to donate a piece of themselves to help their hero, Barcelona have already developed a “plan D” in case a suitable volunteer does not come forward.
“Worst case scenario, we recall Douglas from his loan and take his groin,” Bartomeu added. “He’s gotten to celebrate eight trophies while only making eight appearances for the club. It’s time he gives something back. Whether he likes it or not.”
Lionel Messi scored on his return to international football from non-retirement, but he also aggravated a groin injury that could keep him out of Barcelona’s Champions League opener. In order to calm the fears of his many supporters, Messi posted an image of himself receiving treatment on the injury that undermines his message.
