Can you attach a nicotine patch to an eyebrow?
Tag: Bayern Munich
James Rodriguez joins Bayern, gets cake and Carlo Ancelotti’s affection
Ancelotti's eyebrow will make everything OK.
Carlo Ancelotti survives his first Bayern beer shower as Philipp Lahm gets his sendoff
All the best bits from Bayern’s Bundesliga victory celebration
(FC Bayern)
A 4–1 win over Freiburg finished off Bayern Munich’s fifth consecutive Bundesliga title and both Philipp Lahm and Xabi Alonso’s career. It also marked the long overdue end of Carlo Ancelotti’s beer-bath virginity.
@MrAncelotti @philipplahm @XabiAlonso .@MrAncelotti: “Me first Weißbier shower was very cold, but it was a lot of fun!” #FCBSCF
Also, David Alaba gave Arjen Robben a new head of hair.
Perfectly timed ?? ? #Mia5anMia
Then Robben passed on the favor.
Cheeky boy, @ArjenRobben ??? #Mia5anMia
Here’s video of the beer tsunami (the GoPro on the glass was an inspired innovation):
Amidst the joy was a bit of sadness as Lahm and Alonso said goodbye
But the casual cool of Ancelotti in lederhosen remains.
Looking good, @MrAncelotti #MiaSanMia https://t.co/4A3H6TgkFn
One final thing you have to see: Manuel Neuer keeping his injured foot elevated while wearing his full kit and waving his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care.
CHAMPIONS! #Mia5anMia
Gladbach’s Jonas Hofmann admits he wasn’t fouled when ref tries to blame Thiago
An admirable show of fair play in the Bundesliga
Borussia Monchengladbach’s Jonas Hofmann appeared to be the victim of a late tackle perpetrated by Bayern Munich’s Thiago on Sunday. Despite Thiago’s impassioned defense, the referee still blamed him for Hofmann going to ground until he asked the 24-year-old midfielder what happened. Hofmann then admitted that Thiago didn’t touch him.
The ref, Thiago, and even Javi Martinez shook Hofmann’s hand out of respect for his honesty. Thomas Müller gave him a thumbs up. Bayern went on to win 1–0, but Hofmann’s rare display of maturity, especially for a relatively young player like him, will hopefully set an example others will follow.
Rafinha destroys a fan’s snack during warm-ups
Rafinha: Obliterator of fries
I often wonder if professional footballers ever look up into the stands and wish they could sit and gorge on deliciously fatty foods like the fans who watch them push their bodies to the extreme in the name of entertainment. Perhaps this explains why Rafinha launched a ball into the stands, hitting an unsuspecting fan right in the fries during warm-ups before Bayern Munich’s 1–0 win over Borussia Monchengladbach.
Of course, it could have been an accident, but it seems more likely that Rafinha spotted these three men enjoying their deep fried treats and thought “If I can’t have some fries right now NO ONE CAN!”
I am also convinced that Thomas Müller later ate the fries off the floor just because that seems like something he would do.
Carlo Ancelotti managed his 1,000th match and all he got was a giant pretzel (and an 8–0 win)
The ultimate payoff for a long and successful career
Bayern’s match against Hamburg on Saturday marked Carlo Ancelotti’s 1,000th as a manager and to celebrate the occasion, the club gave him a big-ass Bavarian pretzel shaped like the №1,000 before kickoff.
I would’ve taken that thing back to the dugout and eaten all of it before halftime, but the magic of Ancelotti’s eyebrow is that it was able to resist the allure of a carb-coma to lead Bayern to an 8–0 win. Yes, 8–0.
After the match, Ancelotti had to admit that the day couldn’t have gotten much better. From Reuters:
“A perfect day, a perfect game,” said Ancelotti. “The team played an outstanding game and I could not be happier.”
“I told my players before the game that I wanted a good match for my anniversary. I never thought it would be that good. I hope we show the same attitude in our next game.”
If Arsenal have any designs on coming back from their 5–1 first-leg deficit to Bayern in the Champions League, they now know that gifts of large pretzels won’t help their cause.
Philipp Lahm gets bored of winning things, announces plan to retire
“How many winner’s medals does a person really need?” Lahm asks
Bayern Munich and Germany captain Philipp Lahm has announced that he will end his playing career at the conclusion of this season. Still just 33 years old, Lahm recently made his 500th appearances for Bayern. Over his career he has won seven Bundesliga titles, six German Cups, a Champions League title, the World Cup, the Club World Cup, three German Super Cups, and one UEFA Super Cup.
“I could continue playing beyond this season,” Lahm said with a shrug. “But I’m running out of room to put all these trophies in my house and I don’t feel like moving. So I’m just going to retire instead.”
Lahm’s decision means that he will end his career a year before his contract expires—22 years after he first joined Bayern as a 12 year old. The Munich native, nicknamed the “Magic Dwarf,” explained that the burdens of success of become too great to carry on any further.
“Being captain, I have been tasked with lifting all of these trophies and having to act like it’s this special thing, even after doing it over and over again, year after year,” he said, rolling his eyes. “It gets to be grueling after a while and it’s like, ugh, really? So I’m going to leave it to someone else. Let Thomas Müller do it. That guy gets excited when we have grilled chicken for lunch.”
As for what his next chapter will be, Lahm added that he’s very interested in management.
“I’d like to coach—pass my knowledge on to a new generation,” Lahm said. “But not a good team. A bad one. That never wins anything. Just relegation after relegation. That would be wonderful.”
Thomas Müller uses his passport as a phone to dodge questions from the press
A lesson in social avoidance from a true expert
Arriving back in Munich after Bayern’s winter training trip to Doha, Thomas Müller really did not want to speak to the reporters waiting at the gate. So like many people do when trying to avoid unwanted social interaction, he pretended like he was talking on the phone. Unlike many people, he decided to use his passport instead of his actual phone to achieve this ruse.
Though it might seem strange at first, this is actually a stroke of genius. How can reporters ask questions when they’re too busy laughing/questioning your sanity?
It’s quick thinking like this that got Müller to the lofty heights of being the Directing Manager of Carrots.
Mats Hummels dyed his hair because he lost an Oktoberfest bet
Another reason why you should never play carnival games
If you saw Mats Hummels’ newly blond hair during Bayern’s 3–0 win over RB Leipzig and thought “Good lord, he must have lost a bet” you were exactly right. As Hummels tells it, he lost a bet on a carnival game at Oktoberfest and waited until the last moment to pay up.
From ESPN FC:
“I had to have it (dyed) for at least one game in 2016,” Hummels said.
“So I thought to myself ‘We’ll just take first place against second place.’ That way it will get the most attention.”
Hummels told Bild that he has to keep his hair this way for a week, but after that he’s considering shaving it off, the he fears he doesn’t “have the head shape” to pull off the bald look.
It’s telling, however, that what Hummels considers punishment for losing a bet, Leo Messi willing did to himself earlier in the year.
Hummels isn’t totally down on his new look, though.
“In the right light it looks good,” he said. Presumably the “right light” is off.
David Alaba suffers death by nutmeg during Bayern training session
RIP David Alaba
Talented young footballer David Alaba tragically died during a Bayern Munich training session when teammate Rafinha mercilessly nutmegged him into oblivion. He was 24 years old.
Alaba’s teammates carried his lifeless body off to the side so they could resume training and his spirit could quietly endure an eternity of embarrassment. He is survived by his BFF Franck Ribery.
In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to donate to the David Alaba Memorial Fund, which aims to help footballers who have survived nutmeggings assume new identities in remote villages where the sport doesn’t exist.
