In his first competitive match with Celtic, Brendan Rodgers faced Gibraltar Premier Division champions Lincoln Red Imps and lost 1-0. With Antonio Calderon Vallejo instead of Anthony Bardon, this was the Red Imps’ starting XI…
Tag: Champions League
If it continued… (Real Madrid v Atletico Madrid, Champions League final redux)
The 2016 Champions League final ended with a Cristiano Ronaldo penalty and a lot of utterly exhausted players. But what if the match had not gone to a shootout and instead continued with even more extra time?
The memorable images of the 2016 Champions League final
Real Madrid beat Atletico Madrid on penalties to lift the Champions League trophy for the second time in three years. Though much of the game was utterly forgettable dreck, there were several images that will remain forever ingrained upon our memories for better or worse.
Sergio Ramos compares Champions League final to sex because he’s Sergio Ramos
In what can only be seen as an attempt to fuel the production of fan fiction about himself, Sergio Ramos has compared playing in the Champions League final to having sex.
From the Guardian:
“The first time is like when you make love: you always remember it … but then it’s true that you can improve because to start with you’re a disaster,” Ramos joked.
“The first time always has a special taste. I was the protagonist for a great goal,” he said. “But I am optimistic, very ambitious, and I prefer to keep turning the page and adding [trophies] to my CV. Hopefully I will have the chance to lift the trophy.”
Jokes about first sexual experiences usual involve references to quick finishes, but Ramos’ equalizer in the 2014 final came in the 93rd minute, setting up Real Madrid’s extra-time goalkakke.
He better hope this first-time success doesn’t make him overconfident and lead him to score at the wrong end in the rematch against Atletico. Because accident anal is definitely the sexual equivalent to an own goal.
Future News: UEFA hires extra security to handle Zidane and Simeone at Champions League final
With the 2016 Champions League final now set to be a rematch of the 2014 final between Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid, UEFA has announced plans to employ an unprecedented level of security at the match in order to protect everyone from managers Zinedine Zidane and Diego Simeone.
Man City didn’t really feel like playing in the Champions League final
“I didn’t even touch him — he just laid down and started snoring, I swear.”
Man City didn’t seem terribly interested in reaching the club’s first ever Champions League final as they sleepwalked to letting Real Madrid advance on a 1-0 aggregate score. The one being a Fernando own goal in the 20th minute of the second leg. City also had just one shot on target in each leg. So you can’t even say “at least they tried” because they kind of didn’t.
Champions League condolences to Pep Guardiola from other managers
Bayern Munich’s elimination from the Champions League semifinals by Atletico Madrid ensures that Pep Guardiola will not win a European title for the German club before he joins Man City next season. Though Guardiola has won five other trophies in his three seasons with Bayern, this comes as a terrible disappointment to him. Thankfully, his fellow managers have reached out to him with their comforting words.
A night in the stands with Cristiano Ronaldo
The first leg of Man City and Real Madrid’s Champions League semifinal was stupendously boring and Cristiano Ronaldo had to sit in the stands and watch it like the rest of us due to a muscle injury. It quickly became clear that this was an outer ring of his own personal hell.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic generously gives Champions League trophy to less fortunate footballers on purpose
Hello, I am still Zlatan.
Many footballers talk about the charitable work they do. Some give money, others give time, but every year I give the greatest gift of all to groups of fellow players who are not fortunate enough to be Zlatan or work with Zlatan. That gift is the Champions League trophy.
Every year I win many trophies for myself and my teammates. This makes me a champion. Therefore, every league that I am in is a champions league. So that means I have won the champions league many, many times. As a result, I feel that I must also give something away to the poor bastards who oppose me — something that is big and the best, like Zlatan. Because that’s how Zlelfless I am.
Now you are probably thinking “But, All-Powerful Zlatan, this means you also giving lucky fraud Pep Guardiola the opportunity to win the Champions League!” This is missing the point. I don’t think about Pep Guardiola. I spend all my time thinking about how I don’t think about Pep Guardiola. What I am actually doing is giving his players the chance to win the Champions League because, as someone who Zluffered through working with him myself, I know how much they deserve it for having to endure his stupidity.
My critics and Zlaters always point to the fact that I have not won the Champions League as evidence that I am not as great as I am. So now that I have revealed the reason for this, I hope they feel bad about everything they have ever done. Their quiet shame will be an acceptable apology to me.
Though Man City did not truly deserve to beat PSG, I hope that Manuel Pellegrini can win the Champions League title I so generously bequeathed because I would find it Zlilarious if another man prematurely replaced by Pep Guardiola — a terrible manager who I am still not thinking about — won this trophy before Pep takes his job and proves he cannot do the same thing. And if Pellegrini can’t do it, then I hope Simeone wins it since he will be the top general in my intergalactic army one day.
So to recap: I have won the champions league many times, but I don’t win the Champions League on purpose out of the kindness of my Zleart, I only care about Pep Guardiola just enough to hate him more than anyone else in the world, I am going to conquer the universe with General Simeone, and if anyone mentions how I haven’t won the Champions League again, I will kick them in the pancreas so hard that it will turn into a giraffe.
The Zlend.
Cristiano Ronaldo announces dangerous levels of goals in his DNA
Cristiano Ronaldo scored all three goals as Real Madrid overturned a 2-0 first-leg deficit against Wolfsburg to advance to the Champions League semifinals. After proving his incredible talents yet again, Cristiano made a startling admission to the press.