Two early goals from Ricardo Quaresma and a third from Jackson Martinez in the 65th minute gave Porto a shocking 3-1 home win against Bayern Munich in the first leg of their Champions League quarterfinal. On the surface, this is a dream start for Porto that gives them reason to believe that they can do something that few people thought they could: advance past Bayern to the semifinals. Instead, it’s probably just Bayern being incredibly mean.
Tag: Champions League
Real Madrid treated Mario Mandzukic like a human pinata
The first leg of the Atletico Madrid-Real Madrid Champions League quarterfinal ended in a rather drab 0-0 draw, but this being a Madrid derby and a rematch of last season’s Champions League final, there was still blood. Mostly spurting from Mario Mandzukic’s face.
Always an instigator, Mandzukic was at the center of most of the night’s conflicts and ended up worse for wear after taking a Sergio Ramos elbow to the face.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s expert analysis of the Champions League quarterfinal draw
Gianni Infantino has stopped talking long enough to do the Champions League quarterfinal draw and I must say I am disappointed. First, because UEFA only reduced my ban for that stupid red card against Chelsea to one game instead of wiping it completely and begging for my forgiveness. Second, because they said that my idea to open the draw by using a French referee as a human Zlacrifice to acknowledge that PSG are too good for France was “inappropriate.” And third because I must wait even longer to get my revenge on Pep Guardiola, who gets super lucky again.
Pep Guardiola does a miserable job of hiding how happy he is to watch Barca
It’s been about three years since Pep Guardiola stepped down as Barcelona manager, but on Wednesday he returned to the Camp Nou as a spectator. Ostensibly, he was there to scout a team that might face his Bayern Munich in the next round of the Champions League, but his reactions to the game made it clear that he was also very much a fan. Even though he tried to hide it.
Projecting Arsenal’s future Champions League misery
Arsenal carried on their consistency in Champions League masochism by soundly beating Monaco 2-0 in the second leg of round of 16 tie to be eliminated on away goals with an aggregate score of 3-3. Anyone and everyone with so much as a passing familiarity with Arsenal’s recent history in the competition — four (now five) consecutive round of 16 eliminations —predicted this exact result, as their narrow avoidance of advancing further has become more reliable than a Japanese train schedule.
It’s with this knowledge that we can accurately predict what horrors will come next for Arsenal in the Champions League. But first, a refresher on the last five years.
We live in a terrible world where David Luiz feels the need to apologize for a great moment in his career
David Luiz scored an important and unexpected goal, helping his team advance to the quarterfinals of the Champions League despite being a man down for 90 minutes. Naturally, he celebrated that goal, expressing the pure joy that we all chase, but experience far too rarely. And since this all happened to occur while he was facing his former club and doing so in their stadium, he ended up apologizing for his celebration. Because we live in a miserable world where people feel compelled to apologize for expressions of happiness.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s player ratings: Chelsea Babies v PSG
Zlatan Ibrahimovic was harshly sent off 31 minutes into the second leg of the Chelsea-PSG Champions League round of 16 tie for a 50-50 challenge with Oscar. Despite being reduced to 10 men, PSG pushed a lackluster Chelsea side to extra time, where they recovered from going a goal down to advance on away goals.
After the match, Zlatan said, “The worst is when I get the red card, all the Chelsea players come around — that, for me, I don’t know, it felt like I had 11 babies around me.”
Manuel Neuer hangs out in the center circle during Champions League match
“Hallo, @Manuel_Neuer! Schön, dass du mich mal wieder besuchen kommst. Viele Grüße, dein Mittelkreis.” #FCBFCSD 4-0 pic.twitter.com/ttfy1Ci3DN
— FC Bayern München (@FCBayern) March 11, 2015
Shakhtar Donetsk’s Olexandr Kucher earned the fastest red card in Champions League history in the third minute of his side’s round of 16 second-leg match against Bayern Munich. So Bayern took this as an unnecessary invitation to run wild, scoring seven goals over the next 84 minutes of play. And with Shakhtar pinned back, Bayern goalkeeper Manuel Neuer took the opportunity to play his favorite position: anywhere he wants.
Bayern’s official Twitter account then wrote Neuer a message from his old friend, the center circle. It reads: “Hello, Manuel Neuer! I’m glad to see that you’ve come to visit me again. Many greetings, The Center Circle.”
Cristiano Ronaldo scored twice against Schalke, was still miserable at full time
Cristiano Ronaldo scored not one, but two equalizing goals in the second leg of Real Madrid’s Champions League tie against Schalke, making him the first Real Madrid player to score more than 40 goals across all competitions five seasons in a row. But even with all that, and Real Madrid advancing to the next round, Ronaldo still looked like he just watched Lionel Messi’s son draw a picture of The Rock kissing Irina Shayk on the side of the Cristiano Ronaldo museum at full time.
Dimitar Berbatov is…The Continental
Well hello there.
I see you’ve caught me scoring against Arsenal at the Emirates. Yet again. This was an especially satisfying conquest since few people gave Monaco a chance. But like when I pop out of your oversized birthday cake completely nude, we gave them quite the surprise. Ha-HA!