With the Premier League title wrapped up, Chelsea decided to reward Michy Batshuayi, the man who scored the goal that did it, his first Premier League start of the season. This left Diego “The Menace” Costa with some free time on the bench, where he apparently worked up an appetite during the first half against Watford. So, during the break, he wandered into the press room to pilfer some food.
Ha venido Diego en el descanso a la zona de prensa a por queso
Being members of the press, they did rat him out to his manager after Chelsea’s 4–3 win, though. Naturally, Chelsea manager Antonio Conte was flaming mad about this thoroughly unprofessional behavior.
Conte is told about Costa's half-time visit to the press buffet. Says he's "angry" with Costa for not bringing him some chocolate.
If you’re going on a halftime food run, you always grab some chocolate for the gaffer. That’s rule №1. Don’t be surprised if Costa gets sold off for this.
Leave it to Diego Costa to take things way too far, though
(Chelsea FC/Twitter)
Chelsea beat West Brom 1–0 with an 82nd-minute goal from forgotten man Michy Batshuayi, who entered the match just six minutes earlier, to seal their fifth Premier League title and sixth top-flight title in club history. The fact that Batshuayi, who hasn’t started a match all season and hadn’t scored a Premier League goal since AUGUST, scored the title-winning goal serves as a nutty twist to an ending that has been clear for months now. But that was just the beginning of the madness that took hold once the final whistle sounded.
Michy Batshuayi scores his 2nd PL goal and 1st since August 20. All 18 of his PL apps have been as a substitute #PL #WBACHE
First, Cesc Fabregas said “Football is fucking unbelievable” on live, internationally broadcast television in reference to Batshuayi scoring the decisive goal and Gary Cahill’s delicate ears could not handle that.
Then Diego Costa attempted to give John Terry a colonoscopy right there on the pitch.
But after a full season of Antonio Conte jumping on every man, woman, and child within 17 miles of him, it was time for his players to return the favor and bring the party to him. They began by waiting for him in the dressing room and absolutely drowning him in ice water and champagne, which he expertly sucked down.
Then Terry, Costa, and David Luiz stole him away from his press conference so the celebrations could continue.
Though Chelsea’s last title was just two seasons ago, the pain and frustration of last season’s shameful 10th-place finish clearly fueled their celebrations at the Hawthorns. And if his track record is any indication, the celebrations have only just begun.
Antonio Conte has won the title in four successive seasons as a club manager (Juventus 2012, 2013, 2014 & Chelsea 2017)
I’m not sure this is what they meant by “magic of the FA Cup”
Spurs played about as well as a team can play while still conceding four goals in their 4–2 FA Cup semifinal loss to Chelsea, but they were simply no match for the absurdities of the second half.
Willian twice put Chelsea up a goal in the first half—initially with a free kick, then with a penalty—but Spurs showed their newfound tenacity by equalizing each time. This forced Chelsea to get serious and bring Diego Costa and Eden Hazard off the bench, and Hazard put the Blues up 3–2 in the 75th minute.
Given the previous events of this match, the lead didn’t seem safe. Then Nemanja Matic unleashed Thor’s hammer on the crossbar, forcing the poor woodwork to let the ball pass through the very fibers of its being and across the goal line.
Spurs did attempt to cut into the lead with a late Harry Kane free kick, but Thibaut Courtois cast a spell on the ball, making it spin back into his hands just before it could cross the line.
And when that happens, you know that the heavens have already decided the outcome and nothing more can be done to change it.
Spurs have now lost their last SEVEN FA Cup semifinals (1993, 1995, 1999, 2001, 2010, 2012, 2017). But more important than all of that: A meme is born.
Could Chelsea players falling ill just before facing Man United be a coincidence? No way
Chelsea lost 2–0 to Man United on Sunday in an uncharacteristically poor performance and now it has been revealed that several key Chelsea players were enfeebled by a virus that just so happened to sweep through the team at that time. Clearly this was the result of biological warfare enacted by former Chelsea and current Man United manager Jose Mourinho.
According to the Guardian, the illness forced Marcos Alonso to be withdrawn from the starting XI shortly before kickoff and it affected both Victor Moses, who had to be substituted shortly after halftime, and Diego Costa, who only has a yellow card to show for his 90 minutes of play.
One theory that has been considered by the club is that the bug had spread through the squad at a team bonding meal — one of a number arranged by Conte over the course of the season to strengthen the group — last Thursday evening.
Chelsea's PL record when Marcos Alonso starts: 25 Games. 84% Win Rate. +39 Goal Difference. Not starting: 4 Games. 0% Win Rate. -6 GD.
Another theory is that the man who infected Chelsea with this devastating bug was Jose Mourinho. The motive was certainly there. Not only was he sacked by Chelsea twice despite winning three Premier League titles for the club, but he was beaten 4–0 and called “Judas” by fans upon his return to Stamford Bridge back in October. Obviously Mourinho would’ve wanted revenge enough to take drastic measures to ensure he got it.
But would Mourinho posses a biological agent capable of incapacitating Chelsea’s players? Well how else can you explain Eden Hazard’s performance during the 2015/16 season before Mourinho was sacked? Mourinho must have been testing the virus on him and it proved more powerful than he expected.
There is no other explanation for a season this out of line with the rest of Hazard’s career
So after the match in October, Mourinho decided to use his connections within the club and unleash his secret weapon on the Chelsea players during Conte’s “team bonding meal” in the hopes that it would not only impair them for the match, but turn them against Conte, whose immediate domination of the Premier League has been a source of jealousy for Mourinho, who still sits in fifth place with Man United despite the three points.
If this isn’t what happened, then why was it three of the team’s most important players who were most affected by the illness while John Terry sat on the bench feeling fine? Why didn’t this illness sweep through the team before a match against, say, Burnley? And what was the deal with Thibaut Courtois injuring himself before the match while filming a promotional video for the NBA? Know who attended an NBA game last year? Jose Mourinho.
Lakers vs Suns, the special one is in the house #Mourinho
The evidence is overwhelming, but Mourinho will still get away with his diabolical deed and retain the three points that make up the margin between him and his ultimate nemesis: Arsene Wenger. Coincidence? Not a chance.
Dispelling the myths of an FA Cup quarterfinal match
(Chelsea/Twitter)
Chelsea beat a 10-man Manchester United 1–0 at Stamford Bridge to advance to the FA Cup semifinals at Wembley. Though, for some, this may have been a case of the better and more disciplined team beating a tired and ill-prepared opponent, for many others there were several points of confusion that need to be cleared up.
Jose Mourinho is not a “Judas” to Chelsea—A small group of fans behind the benches decided to curse at Jose Mourinho and call him a “Judas,” apparently upset that he joined Man United after Chelsea sacked him for the second time. He responded by holding up three fingers and pointing to the pitch to remind them that he won three titles at Stamford Bridge.
After the match, he expanded on his hand gestures, saying “They can call me what they want. Until the moment they have a manager that wins four Premier Leagues for them, I’m the number one. When they have somebody that wins four Premier Leagues for them, I become number two. Until then Judas is number one.”
To be clear: Taking the best job available after the club you led to three league titles unceremoniously sacks you not once, but twice, doesn’t make someone a Judas. But all will surely be forgiven when Mourinho returns for his third spell with Chelsea in a few years.
2. Kicking Eden Hazard is not an effective tactical choice—I get why this might have been an attractive idea to Mourinho. With Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Wayne Rooney, and Anthony Martial all unavailable, his own attacking options were limited, and since Hazard was one of the players who completely disappeared last season, getting Mourinho sacked, I can see how kicking the shit out of him serves a vengeful purpose. But it backfired spectacularly. Ander Herrera was booked twice in a span of 15 minutes and was sent off before halftime. Plus it enraged Antonio Conte, and how are the officials supposed to be objective when they’re fearing for their lives?
After the match, Conte said “”We came to play football…but for 25 minutes it was impossible for Eden Hazard to play, because he was kicked. It could be a tactic. I think everyone saw this… Sometimes when you play against a player with a good talent you try to intimidate this player. I think that the referee must protect this type of player.” And when faced with the choice of protecting Hazard or getting eaten like a human meat pie by Antonio Conte, the referee clearly agreed.
3. We don’t have to obsessively mention Paul Pogba’s price tag every time he has a bad match—With the omnipotent exception of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, players often don’t prove their value for a new club in a different league until their second year there, no matter how much they cost. This is something everyone should know at this point. And yet, whenever Pogba has a bad match in his first season back in the Premier League after four in Italy, his transfer fee gets parroted and unfavorably compared as if Man United paid €105 million explicitly for that one match and that one match only.
Remember when Man United signed David De Gea? During his first season with the club, he was mercilessly skewered and written off as one of the worst goalkeepers of all time. Now he’s the only reason Man United didn’t lose this match by more.
Only De Gea could save PS2 games without a memory card
4. N’Golo Kante is not “equivalent to two midfielders,” he’s just one really good N’Golo Kante and he not only deserves the next Ballon d’Or, but all the ones Messi and Ronaldo have already won should be handed over to him out of respect for his undervalued contributions*—He’s also definitely better than Ander Herrera.
*The second half of this statement technically isn’t a fact, but a correct opinion.
5. Marcos Rojo was lucky not to get sent off—Clearly the officials let this slide in an attempt to cover for their anti-Man United agenda. Or something.
When you’ve got a 10-point lead in February, you just want to hug whoever you can
Normally when you see David Luiz or Diego Costa coming at you, you know that pain is sure to follow. But since Chelsea have the Premier League title all but wrapped up, they’re taking the time to try and change that perception amongst the staff at Stamford Bridge.
As they arrived for Chelsea’s match against Swansea on Saturday, both players surprised a different staffer with a hug.
Costa went on to score the third goal in Chelsea’s 3–1 win, so these pre-match hugs might become a ritual. Hopefully they become less and less terrifying for these staffers with time.
Well, three months later, Parker let his guard down again and Luiz took full advantage, this time hauling him down to the ground in his finely tailored suit.
An answer to the most important question about the London derby
(Chelsea/Twitter)
Chelsea successfully avenged their 3–0 loss to Arsenal earlier this season by beating them 3–1 as Arsene Wenger continues to serve out his touchline ban for shoving an official. Chelsea scored early, and capped off Arsenal’s embarrassment with their third goal coming from former Gunners captain and current Chelsea benchwarmer, Cesc Fabregas, before Olivier Giroud scored his specialty: the consolation goal. It was just one more day to forget for Arsenal, ushering in fresh calls for Wenger’s job, which come with the regularity of high tide. But what if the match continued?
97’—Wenger complains into his headset connected to the Arsenal bench about not being able to see over the person standing in front of him loud enough for the person standing in front of him to hear. The man ignores him. Wenger resigns himself to his fate rather than take the further action necessary to rectify the situation.
101’—N’Golo Kante permits Mesut Özil to go to the bathroom on his own, but waits just outside the door the entire time.
104’—A replay of Eden Hazard’s 53rd minute goal is shown on the big screen at Stamford Bridge and the officials decide it was spectacular enough to be counted a second time. Antonio Conte celebrates so hard that he time travels a few seconds ahead.
109’—John Terry stands on his chair and holds the Premier League trophy over his head until Victor Moses convinces him that it’s not time yet.
113’—While undergoing tests related to the head injury that forced him out of the match in the 17th minute, Hector Bellerin claims that he is a Chelsea player who makes £300,00 a week. When worried doctors tell him that’s not true, he shrugs and says “It was worth a try.”
116’—Olivier Giroud scores a second goal, making it 4–2 and giving Arsenal hope of a comeback. Giroud celebrates with a 37-minute long interpretive dance that reenacts his entire life story to that point.
120’—Emboldened by Giroud’s goal, Wenger shoves the person standing in front of him. The FA immediately gives him a 12-match stadium ban, forcing him him to sit in a dry cleaners’ shop across the street.
124’—Roman Abramovich turns to two of his guests for the day, Michael Essien and Didier Drogba and tells them how he wishes they were still out there playing for Chelsea. Andre Schevchenko then asks “What about me, boss?” and everyone pretends to hear someone calling them from the opposite direction.
131’—Nicolas “Le Sulk” Anelka files a lawsuit against a continually mopey Alexis Sanchez for copyright infringement.
135’—Olivier Giroud completes his hat trick while still celebrating his previous goal. Arsene Wenger thinks of the perfect thing to say to the person who was standing in front of him at Stamford Bridge. The owner of the dry cleaners’ shop agrees that it’s pretty good.
139’—Cesc Fabregas scores his second goal of the day while Petr Cech is busy chuckling to himself upon thinking about how John Terry said he would be worth 12 additional points to Arsenal, who would now be 12 points behind Chelsea in the table. As he did after his first goal, Fabregas doesn’t celebrate out of respect for his former club, but he does bend over just enough for his 2015 Premier League winner’s medal to spill out of his shirt.
140’—The match is abandoned when Antonio Conte high-fives a fan with so much force that the Earth explodes.
Way back in August, Chelsea midfielder Nathaniel Chalobah attempted to clear up the burgeoning confusion between him and new teammate Michy Batshuayi that popped up during a preseason tour of the U.S.
Sadly, this was only the beginning.
In November, Batshuayi could only laugh when The Sun mistakenly used a picture of Chalobah on a story about him.
Well, just two days later, the worst error yet occurred when Chelsea’s official Twitter account stated that Chalobah entered their 1–1 draw with Liverpool for Diego Costa when it was actually Batshuayi.
This is insane. Not only should Chelsea’s social media team be able to differentiate every player on the team this deep into the season, but this was during a match, so all the players were wearing shirts with their names and numbers on them just to ensure issues like this do not happen!
If Batshuayi has been unhappy with his lack of playing time this season, this could be enough to convince him to demand a transfer to a club that can properly identify him this summer.
Beating Leicester City 3–0 and fending off questions about Diego Costa’s absence is enough to make anyone work up an appetite, so when Chelsea manager Antonio Conte sat down for his post-match press conference and spotted a journalist eating a piece of cake, he couldn’t resist.
First Conte asked if it was good and expressed his jealously before working up the nerve to ask for a bite, which he was granted.
