Tag: Chile

Germany win FIFA’s Golden Dildo

Germany beat Chile 1-0 to win the Confederations Cup for the first time

(DFB/Twitter)

Germany beat Chile and overcame VAR to win FIFA’s most phallic trophy on offer this year, and continue their domination of international football. And they did it with what was essentially a youth team.

Germany manager Jogi Löw left many of his more established stars at home in order to give the country’s next generation a bit of experience ahead of next year’s World Cup. As a result, the youngest squad in the competition faced the oldest (Chile) in the final and handled themselves exceptionally well—even in the face of the latest Video Assistant Referee goof-up, which saw Chilean rectal examiner Gonzalo Jara receive a yellow card after review when he should have been sent off in the 65th minute.

Germany captain Julian Draxler (23 years old), who moved from Wolfsburg to PSG last season, was awarded the Golden Ball as the tournament’s best player, RB Leipzig’s Timo Werner (21 years old) was awarded the Golden Boot—even though teammates Leon Goretzka (22 years old) and Lars Stindl (an elderly 28 years old) matched his three goals—and Chile’s Claudio Bravo won the Golden Glove just to melt Man City fans’ brains.

So what did we learn from the Confederations Cup? Even if all the players who won the World Cup with Germany in 2014 who are still with the team get hurt, they still have an absurdly high chance of repeating as champions.

Anyway, here’s Löw creepily holding the Confederations Cup trophy and looking like he’s seconds away from sniffing it repeatedly.

 

DTotD: Goalkeeper banned four years for viciously kicking opponent in the head

A series of bad decisions has resulted in a goalkeeper receiving a four-year ban from the Chilean Football Association after he brutally kicked an opponent in the head during a third division match. The reason Claudio Abarca kicked Diego Diaz in the head, breaking his jaw in the process, is because Diaz decided to punch him in the balls.

Now, punching people in the balls is a bad idea no matter what the circumstances, but it’s especially bad when you’re already lying on the ground. You don’t want to royally piss someone off while you’re already in that much of a vulnerable position. That doesn’t excuse Abarca for his overzealous retaliation, but it does explain it.

Abarca was arrested by police right then and there. According to ESPN FC, he had to spend a night in jail. Diaz, meanwhile, was taken away on a stretcher and treated at a hospital for his broken jaw.

As awful as this situation was, hopefully it taught these two men that ball punches and head kicks are not good things to do.

This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events. 

Leo Messi misses penalty in Copa America Centenario final, becomes saddest man in the history of existence

After a grueling 120 minutes, the last 78 of which were played 10v10, Chile and Argentina went to penalties in a Copa America final for the second straight year. Sergio Romero gave Argentina a huge boost by saving Arturo Vidal’s shot to start things off, but then the unthinkable happened: Leo Messi missed the goal entirely. Argentina went on to lose the shootout. Again.

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Nike launches new home and away kits for U.S., England, France, Brazil, and more

(Top row: U.S. home and away, Portugal home; Bottom row: Portugal away, Chile home, Chile away)
(Top row: U.S. women’s home, U.S. men’s away, Portugal home; Bottom row: Portugal away, Chile home, Chile away)

Nike unveiled the new home and away kits for nine national teams at day two of their Innovation for Everybody event in New York City, including the first to carry the U.S.’s new crest.

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Dog on the pitch delights crowd during Chilean match

Last weekend’s match between Cobresal and Colo Colo in the Chilean Primera Division featured an uninvited participated who once again proved that people always prefer to watch dogs run around than watch humans do anything.

With the score even at 1-1 during the first half, a dog decided that the pitch was a good place to sit down and relax. This halted the match while players and staff tried to chase the dog away, but this pup wasn’t having any of that. Instead, it ran the length of the pitch, evading lazy attempts at capturing it as the crowd gleefully shouted “ole!” each time.

Colo Colo went on to win 3-2, but that didn’t matter because the dog was the best part of the day.