Confusion reigns as Cristiano Ronaldo takes control of the narrative.
Tag: Cristiano Ronaldo
Cristiano Ronaldo even tops Lionel Messi in tax evasion (allegedly)
Cristiano won't rest until he's better than Messi at literally everything.
The inevitabilities that led to Real Madrid winning the Champions League (again)
Sometimes life is intensely predictable. This was one of those times.
For the first time ever, the Champions League has been won by the same team two seasons in a row and, of course, it was Real Madrid that did it. What looked to be an evenly matched final at the start turned into a merciless drubbing as Real beat Juventus 4–1, topping Barcelona’s 3–1 win over Juve in the 2015 final in the process. Now, Real Madrid have won the competition 12 times, including three in the last four years.
This seemingly inevitable result was made possible by a bunch of smaller inevitabilities coming true throughout the match. It started with Cristiano Ronaldo scoring the match’s first goal, giving him yet another Champions League record by becoming the first player to score in three different finals. But taking a step back, the mere fact that Real Madrid scored in the match was an inevitability, even against the likes of Gigi Buffon and Juve’s stellar defenders. Real scored in every single match this season. Every single one! That’s an incredible feat that will likely get lost in everything else Los Blancos accomplished this season.
Real Madrid scored in 100% of their 60 games across all competitions this season. 173 goals in total.
— @Squawka
Mario Mandzukic’s equalizer was anything but inevitable, but it still might be used to justify Real Madrid’s bid for David De Gea before the match (De Gea is three inches taller than Keylor Navas and probably would’ve pushed the shot over the crossbar, as a result).
Mandzukic. UNREAL. https://t.co/JK4sL7UEYo
Inevitable: Cristiano Ronaldo immediately trying to top Mandzukic after having his thunder stolen.
Cristiano Ronaldo trying to work out how Mario Mandzukic did it...
However, he did go on to score a second goal in the second half to finish off the match and put him ahead of Leo Messi as the Champions League’s top scorer for the fifth year in a row.
2017 - 1⃣2⃣⚽️ 2016 - 16 2015* -10 2014 - 17 2013 - 12 @Cristiano Ronaldo is #UCL top scorer for the 5th straight year! #UCLfinal *joint
Inevitable: Sergio Ramos getting booked in the 31st minute for a dumb foul. Shyamalan Twist: Sergio Ramos getting someone who is not Sergio Ramos (Juan Cuadrado) sent off in the 84th minute. It turns out you can teach old Ramoses new tricks. And what he did to get Cuadrado sent off certainly was a trick.
@SergioRamos Have you no shame? Ramos tackles Cuadrado and after the challenge Cuadrado pushes Ramos lightly, Ramos then become an actor. https://t.co/SxuO1nKCMp
Inevitable: The Gonzalo Higuain Cup Final Curse continues, as the striker Juve paid €90 million for last summer once again came up small on the biggest stage. You know Messi was watching this match somewhere, staring at Higuain with a white-knuckled fist and muttering “You better not score, you better not score, you better not score” the whole time. At this point, starting Higuain in a cup final should be considered match fixing.
Higuain played in the finals of the World Cup, Copa America, CL, Spanish, Italian cups. Didn't score in any of those. Telling. #RMAJUV
— @ftamsut
Inevitable: Gianluigi Buffon failing to win the Champions League. It’s the one trophy that has eluded him over his long and storied career. This might have been his last chance to claim it, but that was said back in 2015, too.
Inevitable: Zidane continuing his managerial dominance. In just 18 months as manager of Real Madrid, he’s won two Champions League titles, La Liga, and the Club World Cup. And to think that before he was given the job, Rafa Benitez as in charge of this team as they were getting disqualified from the Copa del Rey for fielding ineligible players. UEFA needs to investigate Zidane for illegal use of wizardry.
And finally, the greatest inevitability of all, Cristiano Ronaldo’s victory cry:
Think Cristiano Ronaldo is excited about today's result? https://t.co/PMhg2X7mSG
— @ESPNFC
When Real Madrid ask a question of the universe, the answer is always “SIIIIIIIIIIII!”
Cristiano Ronaldo continues pursuit of Champions League offside goals record
He won’t be satisfied until he breaks every record there is
Cristiano Ronaldo’s hat trick in the first leg of Real Madrid’s Champions League semifinal against Atletico Madrid helped him close in on the competition’s offside goals record currently held by Milan legend Pippo Inzaghi. Ronaldo’s first goal of the night was allowed to stand despite appearing to be very clearly offside. This comes after he scored twice from an offside position against Bayern Munich in the previous round.
“Being the best means being the best at everything, including scoring goals that should not count,” Ronaldo said after the match. “And I intend to prove that I am the best.”
With his hat trick, Ronaldo scored his 50th career goal in the knockout stage of the Champions League, which is a record, his 11th career goal in the Champions League semifinals, which is a record, and his 101st career goal across all stage of the Champions League, which is also a record.
Inzaghi’s offside goal record in the competition stands at 46, leaving Ronaldo a ways to go.
“I will do whatever it takes to break all the records,” Ronaldo added. “Most goals scored in the 57th minute, most goals scored while wearing a child’s hat, most goals scored while having to pee—all of them.”
Asked for comment about the Real Madrid star’s pursuit of his record, Inzaghi said, “He looked onside to me.”
Cristiano Ronaldo’s son mimics his father and scores free kick in a match
On this evidence he might even be better than his dad on set pieces
It wasn’t that long ago that Cristiano Jr. was upsetting his father by declaring his wish to become a goalkeeper one day, but it appears his dad won that argument, because the younger Cristiano was lining up free kicks instead of trying to save them in a recent youth match.
With his father recording the stands, Cristiano Jr. mimicked his dad’s distinctive free kick routine with a wide stance and deep breaths, and he scored.
I guess watching all those Messi videos paid off.
Cristiano Ronaldo would appreciate it if Real Madrid fans stop jeering him while he carries the…
Cristiano Ronaldo would appreciate it if Real Madrid fans stop jeering him while he carries the team on his back
A small request from the man giving Madridistas something to cheer
Cristiano Ronaldo scored a hat trick (albeit with two goals scored from an offside position) in the second leg of Real Madrid’s Champions League quarterfinal against Bayern Munich to help his side advance and give him a total of five goals over the two legs and a record 100 Champions League goals over his career. And yet, some Real Madrid supporters still whistled him.
Everyone gets whistled in Spain, and by Real Madrid fans in particular. It was also just a small segment of the crowd at the Bernabeu that jeered their team’s hero, but it was enough to get Cristiano’s attention and prompted him to speak out after the match.
From Reuters:
“I’m not asking them to name streets after me, the only thing I ask is that they don’t boo me here,” Ronaldo told Spanish TV station Antena 3.
“I want them to stop booing me because I always give my best and even when I don’t score I try to help Real Madrid.”
It’s kind of amazing that Cristiano would pay any mind to this amidst such a successful evening. After all, most people in the stadium were loudly supporting him and in the dressing room it was nothing but love specifically for him.
⚽ #RMUCL Go behind-the-scenes and watch the team celebrate @Cristiano's hat-trick Bayern! #HalaMadrid https://t.co/qwnqF9u9Lt
Sid Lowe attempts to explain the whistles and why they might burrow under the skin of Cristiano Ronaldo, football’s ultimate perfectionist. From the Guardian:
Many of Madrid’s fans are entitled and eternally unsatisfied, always wanting more. Especially from Ronaldo: he has set the bar so ludicrously high for so long it is easy to fall short. His “rubbish” is everyone else’s best game ever, their best season, their dream night. Madrid fans want more from his team than they have had: this is his eighth season; they have won one league title — although two Champions Leagues in three years takes some beating and they are on course for another. Somewhere beneath the surface, perhaps that becomes an implicit accusation aimed at him.
But why express this dissatisfaction on the night that Cristiano carried the club past one of the best teams in the world? Finding a rational answer to a question only made significant by Cristiano’s own open interest in it may be impossible. So that leaves us to make some up.
Maybe Gerard Pique bought a bunch of tickets for the match and hired people to jeer Cristiano regardless of what he did.
"..."
Maybe the whistlers had recently passed through Cristiano Ronaldo Airport and were unhappy with the dining options on the premises.
Maybe they all had money on Real winning 5–3 on aggregate instead of 6–3.
Maybe they think that whistling Cristiano will motivate him to play even better.
Or maybe they’re Adidas employees (Real Madrid’s kit partner) proving their brand loyalty by targeting Nike’s biggest star.
Who knows. But, in all honesty, if Cristiano did have a choice between getting whistled and having Madrid streets named after him, he’d happily take the streets.
Perfect week for Cristiano Ronaldo ruined by Sweden and awful airport bust
The two things that will get ya every time
This was supposed to be a perfect week for Cristiano Ronaldo. Bringing the Euro 2016 trophy back to his home island of Madeira as it hosts a rare Portuguese national team match before getting the incredible honor of having the local airport named after him. And on top of it all, Lionel Messi was banned four matches by FIFA for insulting a referee.
It was all going so well. Just 18 minutes into the match against Sweden, Cristiano scored to give Portugal a 1–0 lead and continue the dream-like experience. But then it all started to go wrong. Sweden scored twice in the second half to make it 2–2 and then a João Cancelo own goal in the third minute of added time gave Sweden a 3–2 win. Sure, it was only a friendly, but this was Cristiano’s friendly and it was tainted.
But no matter—surely the airport renaming ceremony would make up for the loss. How many footballers can say they have an airport named after them? Not many.
https://twitter.com/El_Abdullah88/status/847068135102599174
The local government even commissioned a bust of Ronaldo to be positioned just outside the airport, because if there’s one thing a island with a Cristiano Ronaldo museum, Cristiano Ronaldo statue, and Cristiano Ronaldo hotel needs is a bust of Cristiano Ronaldo outside the Cristiano Ronaldo airport. Except, there was something not quite right about the bust.
Namely, it looks like Cristiano after a four-day meth binge. Or Niall Quinn.
And now everyone is laughing. But at least Messi’s ban remains untainted.
Cristiano Ronaldo, Sergio Ramos, Marcelo, and Pepe attempt to speak Chinese
Pandering to a developing market in celebration of the Chinese New Year
As one of the big clubs that never misses an opportunity to demonstrate a passing interest in a region they’d like to take more money from, Real Madrid put together an odd video to commemorate the Chinese New Year. In it, Cristiano Ronaldo, Sergio Ramos, Marcelo, and Pepe sit down for a meal with a Chinese family, where each player utters an assigned phrase in Chinese.
That’s all fine and good. But what really jumps out as strange is how the kid wearing a Real Madrid shirt at the beginning of the video is apparently so bored that he’s playing drums with his chop sticks. When they get taken away from him, he sulks, apparently oblivious to the fact that CRISTIANO RONALDO, SERGIO RAMOS, MARCELO, AND PEPE ARE SITTING RIGHT ACROSS THE TABLE FROM HIM!
How is he not more enamored by this fact? Are they just over at his house for dinner so often that they’re just a part of the furniture at this point?
That said, I could listen to Sergio Ramos try to speak Chinese all day.
Cristiano Ronaldo notifies Lionel Messi of the 2016 Ballon d’Or results
An important news alert from the desk of Cristiano
Dear Leo,
How are you? (Please do not feel required to write back answering this question.) I am excellent. As you know, the awarding of the Ballon d’Or was different this year. There was no gala for us to attend together. You in your tiny doll suits made out of discount children’s bedding and me looking perfect.
In a way, I am saddened that we didn’t get to have this time together, but in another, far more real way, I am so happy that we didn’t. But enough small talk—the reason I’m writing to you is to inform you of the winner of the 2016 Ballon d’Or. No need to thank me for this service. It is 100% my pleasure. I assure you.
Here’s a hint: The winner of the 2016 Ballon d’Or is the greatest footballer of his generation. His hair this year didn’t look like it was styled by someone who was kicked out of cosmetology school for crimes against humanity. He didn’t “retire” from international football and then come back like a 15-year-old who angrily shut off his Playstation while losing an online match and then tried to pretend that their power went out. And he isn’t you.
That’s right, Leo. As you probably haven’t guessed by now, the winner of the 2016 Ballon d’Or is me. Cristiano “SIIIIII” Ronaldo. The winner of the Champions League, the only footballer with his own line of blankets, the winner of the Best Player in Europe Award, the sufferer of a rare shirt allergy, and the man who finally won a trophy for Portugal simply by shouting at his non-injured teammates.
It has been a truly wonderful year for me and a truly terrible one for you, which makes it an even better year for me. But in addition to being the best footballer, I am also very generous, Leo. And so, to lift your spirits as your inferiority to me becomes known to the world, I am including with this letter a lifetime pass to the Cristiano Ronaldo Museum. So please bring your family (they will have to pay full price, though) and let my achievements inspire you to be slightly less embarrassing.
At this point, I’m sure you are overcome with emotion as you process yet another loss this year mixed with the joy of being able to visit my museum whenever you like instead of tattooing parts of your body to look like a printer test page. So I will conclude by saying that I will not stop winning Ballon d’Or awards until I have one for every abdominal muscle on my body. Yes, that means 15 of them.
Supremely,
Cristiano Ronaldo
Gonzalo Higuain’s №1 Fan
Portugal reveals Cristiano Ronaldo’s emotional (and shirtless) Euro 2016 victory speech
Like an Oscar acceptance speech, but without any clothes to get in the way
As another international break draws to a close, the Portuguese national team’s official Facebook page has shared previously unseen video of Cristiano Ronaldo’s dressing room speech after he watched his teammates beat France in the Euro 2016 final. Naturally, he was not wearing a shirt when he delivered these words.
Cristiano thanked everyone down to the medical staff and called the occasion one of the happiest moments of his life (even going so far as to say that he swears on his son’s life). Presumably they edited out the part where he shakes his fist at the sky and shouts “This is one you’ll never have, Leo Messi! Never!!!”
The best part, however, was when he finally concluded and all of his teammates do his signature “SIIIIIIIIIII!” cry back at him while he nods approvingly. It’s easy to see why this was one of the greatest moments of his life.