In an effort to improve on his underwhelming free kick conversion rate, Cristiano Ronaldo decided to have a little (very little) competition with his son in their backyard.
Using a miniature ball and goal, the two Cristianos set up a wall of toys, including an Incredible Hulk (the green guy, not the Brazilian footballer) figure and a penguin. After bouncing his first attempt into the wall, big Cristiano ended up winning (although, the Hulk had fallen over, so it probably shouldn’t have counted). Naturally, he celebrated by doing that “SIIIIII!” thing he did at last year’s Ballon d’Or gala, which is apparently a thing he’s still doing.
Maybe if he just imagines a wall made of penguins he’ll have more success with free kicks at work, too.
Scoring a record 11 goals in the Champions League group stage apparently does something to a man. It frees him of any verbal filter he might have, allowing him to say anything he wants, no matter how vain, adorable, or insane it may sound.
Cristiano Ronaldo scored four times in span of 20 minutes during Real Madrid’s 8-0 win over Malmo. In doing so, he broke his own Champions League group-stage scoring record and become the first player to record 10 or more goals over the six matches, ending up with 11. This gave him more goals than 27 of the 32 TEAMS in the group stage.
Once he was finished beating up on a clearly inferior club, he made a statement that was so impressively egotistical that it sounded like a quote from a parody of Cristiano Ronaldo. From ESPN FC:
“On a personal level, I am happy for another record. I don’t seek out records, records seek me out.”
He doesn’t seek out records. Records seek him out. That’s something a WWE villain would say! It’s brilliant.
Love or hate Ronaldo, you can’t deny that the game is more entertaining with him and his colossal ego.
Director: OK, Cristiano, we have to do a holiday advertisement for these terrible headphones so I thought we’d do a unique take on “Jingle Bells” where you perform the song at home while doing everyday things.
Cristiano: Oh, so you want me to sing “Jingle Bells” with my shirt off? OK. We can do that. No problem.
Director: No, actually, we would just have you do things like brush your teeth and make toast and we’d edit it to sound like the song. No singing necessary.
Cristiano: But I would still be shirtless.
Director: Well, not necessarily. It would be you wearing the headphones and banging on the wall or going up and down the stairs.
Cristiano: And I whistle the song while I walk? OK, let’s do it.
Director: No, there’s no whistling either. Just the sounds of these various actions cut together to make the song.
Cristiano: Walking up the stairs doesn’t sound like “Jingle Bells.” Would you put bells inside the stairs or on my feet?
Director: No no no, there would be no actual bells. Just the normal sounds those actions make. Then we’ll edit it to sound like the song “Jingle Bells” later.
Cristiano: Oh, so I’d sing the song in the studio after we film everything. I can sing a Rihanna song instead.
Director: No. There is no singing at any point. It’s just the sounds.
Cristiano: So you’d put bells on my tooth brush?
Director: NO! There will be no bells and no singing and no whistling. Just do what I tell you and it will work out fine. I promise. OK? Can we do this please?
Cristiano: Fine. But in January, I’m going to demand a transfer to another production company.
Director: Whatever. Let’s just get this over with.
Cristiano: Yes. Give me the lyrics and we can start.
The Ballon d’or nominees have been announced and, as usual, everyone has opinions on them. Even the nominees themselves. Neymar thinks Cristiano Ronaldo should have been left out and Luis Suarez should have been included, Cristiano thinks Lionel Messi will win, and Messi probably thinks they should all skip the Ballon d’Or gala and go to Legoland instead.
None of these men deserve the award, though. So, without further ado, let’s get to pointing out the failings of these magnificent athletes.
El Clasico is a match played several times per season between Team Messi (sometimes referred to as “FC Barcelona”) and Team Cristiano (sometimes referred to as “Real Madrid”). It is the biggest rivalry in world football thanks entirely to the existence of Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo, the only two footballers worth talking about.
Comparisons between Jose Mourinho and Cristiano Ronaldo might seem very natural. They’re both very confident Portuguese men who have achieved tremendous success in football, even winning a few trophies together at Real Madrid. But it seems in their separation from one another, they’re becoming even more alike.
At the premiere of a documentary about himself, where he attempted to break the world record for selfies taken in a three-minute span, Cristiano Ronaldo actually said something self-effacing.
