Zlatan Ibrahimovic has apparently become so powerful that he is multiplying. One member of his secret army of clones escaped the containment facility and invaded the pitch during Man United’s match against Leicester in an attempt to unite with Original Zlatan and form a unified Mega Zlatan. Though stewards thwarted his efforts, Original Zlatan was amused by the sight of the man, but clearly wanted him to get lost so as not to ruin their plan for world domination.
Tag: Dirty Tackle
Wayne Rooney’s overdue banishment to Man United’s bench in pictures
“This is my life now…ball man.”
Finally accepting the reality of Wayne Rooney’s struggles, Jose Mourinho benched him for Leicester’s visit to Old Trafford, starting Juan Mata in his place. And Man United went on to score four goals in the first half. Wayne Rooney, meanwhile, was forced to explore a strange new environment to him: the bench.
Uzbekistan keeper scores from his own box thanks to North Korea keeper’s living nightmare
The AFC U-16 Championship brings us both the greatest goalkeeper goal and worst goalkeeper attempt at a save in the same moment. Uzbekistan beat North Korea 3-1 thanks in part to Jasurbek Umrzakov scoring from inside his own box because his North Korean counterpart Jang “Definitely Not Manuel Neuer” Paek-ho suffered from a bout of spontaneous insanity.
2018 World Cup mascot candidates narrowed down to Space Tiger, Pervert Cat, and Cristiano Wolf
FIFA has narrowed down the candidates for the role of official 2018 World Cup mascot to three: Tiger, Cat, and Wolf. They have each been given distinct personalities and the Russian public is currently voting on which they want to represent the tournament. Here is a bit more info on each of them…
German clubs can now sue their fans, so that’s what Cologne are doing
If you enjoy doing dumb stuff at profession football matches, you’ll want to steer clear of Germany because the German Federal Court of Justice has given clubs the ability to sue fans for their wrongdoing during matches. And Bundesliga side Cologne are making use of this newfound ability in an effort to recoup some of the money they had to pay out as a result of an idiot injuring seven people with fireworks during a 2014 match against Paderborn.
Luis Suarez doesn’t want footballers talking about all the things he does to them on the pitch
Following a challenge that left his opponent with a bloody hole in his foot, Luis Suarez reportedly shouted “You dived, clown!” at Atletico Madrid’s Filipe Luis. Shortly after the match, Luis shared a photo of the damage Suarez did to his foot on Instagram, along with the caption “At least he didn’t touch me!”
Barcelona’s Douglas injures his butt while sleeping on bus
A day after it was reported that Barcelona defender Douglas initially refused to go on loan to Sporting Gijon, where he eventually ended up this season, it has now been revealed that his hesitancy to join the club was well founded. The seats on their team bus are a threat to his physical well being.
From AS:
According to Sporting physical trainer, Gerardo Ruiz, talking to sports radio show Onda Deportiva in Asturias, Douglas fell asleep on the bus in an uncomfortable position on the trip from Gijón to Vigo (a four [hour] drive across northern Spain) and when he woke up he’d injured his backside (strictly one of his gluteal muscles).
Coincidentally, Sporting’s next match is against Barcelona, so Douglas will have an opportunity to beg his parent club to take him back to the comfort of their superior bus seats.
Mario Balotelli is feeling Nice’s love and repaying it with goals
In two Ligue 1 matches, Mario Balotelli has scored twice as many goals as he did in the previous two seasons. You can say that’s because he’s taken a step down to a league that’s less demanding on a troubled striker than the Premier League or Serie A, but the positive reinforcement Nice has given him can’t be underestimated.
Barcelona accepting applications to donate a healthy groin to Lionel Messi
The groin injury that forced Lionel Messi out of Barcelona’s 1-1 draw with Atletico Madrid in the 59th minute will keep him out of action for three weeks. “To lose Messi means that football loses,” said Barca manager Luis Enrique after the match. And with that in mind, the club announced they will accept applications from anyone interested in donating a healthy groin to Messi so he can return to the pitch as soon as possible.
“If you think you have a groin that is a match for Lionel, please notify us as soon as possible,” club president Josep Maria Bartomeu announced. “And if Messi is able to use your groin, we will reward you with an autographed picture and a special shirt that says ‘Messi has my groin.'”
Though many of Messi’s legion of fans are likely eager to donate a piece of themselves to help their hero, Barcelona have already developed a “plan D” in case a suitable volunteer does not come forward.
“Worst case scenario, we recall Douglas from his loan and take his groin,” Bartomeu added. “He’s gotten to celebrate eight trophies while only making eight appearances for the club. It’s time he gives something back. Whether he likes it or not.”
No, a goalkeeper wasn’t arrested for conceding 43 goals in one match
German side SV Vonderort ‘keeper Marco arrested by police after conceding 43 goals! #football pic.twitter.com/PTvjvLjBHX
— Photos of Football (@photosofootball) September 19, 2016
Depleted by injuries, an eight-man SV Vonderort reserve side lost 43-0 to PSV Oberhausen in the German 11th division. It got so bad, that Oberhausen took three of their own players off to even up the numbers.
“I wanted to cancel the game at halftime [when the score was 19-0] when the referee asked me about it,” Vonderort’s coach told Auf’m Platz. “But the team wanted to continue playing.”
As bad a day as that was for Vonderort’s goalkeeper, things got even worse for him several days later when he was arrested after a training session. The widely reported implication was that his mysterious arrest was related to his performance in the previous match, but Bild now confirms that this asinine assumption couldn’t be further from the truth.
According to Bild, a government official confirmed that he had a warrant out for his arrest over an unpaid fine. The reason for the fine and the length of his jailing were not released, however. Apparently conceding 43 goals really helps the police track you down.
Meanwhile, Vonderort went on to improve tremendously in their next match by only losing 8-0. So the story has a happy ending. Kind of.