Serious, in-depth analysis isn’t something we do very often at Dirty Tackle, so DT contributor Elliott Turner is here to help us fill that gap with an important investigation into something you and your family need to know about: the hidden truth of Andres Iniesta’s tweets.
Tag: Dirty Tackle
“I don’t seek out records, records seek out me,” says Cristiano Ronaldo after battering poor Malmo
Cristiano Ronaldo scored four times in span of 20 minutes during Real Madrid’s 8-0 win over Malmo. In doing so, he broke his own Champions League group-stage scoring record and become the first player to record 10 or more goals over the six matches, ending up with 11. This gave him more goals than 27 of the 32 TEAMS in the group stage.
Once he was finished beating up on a clearly inferior club, he made a statement that was so impressively egotistical that it sounded like a quote from a parody of Cristiano Ronaldo. From ESPN FC:
“On a personal level, I am happy for another record. I don’t seek out records, records seek me out.”
He doesn’t seek out records. Records seek him out. That’s something a WWE villain would say! It’s brilliant.
Love or hate Ronaldo, you can’t deny that the game is more entertaining with him and his colossal ego.
Man City players read mean tweets, make you feel kind of bad for them
In the latest installment of their video advent calendar, Man City had the questionable idea to make several of their own players read mean tweets about themselves in front of a camera. Eliaquim Mangala, Bacary Sagna, Fabian Delph, Vincent Kompany, and Yaya Toure were all subjected to what can only be a punishment for pissing off their superiors and their responses to the hate were so reasonable and nice that it makes the whole exercise far more awkward than funny.
No matter what you think of him as a player, by the end of this video you will want to give Mangala a hug and remove all the sharp things from his house.
To top it off, there’s a post-script to the video where Kompany talks about how much they love the haters, then pivots and says: “But there are some people who can’t deal with it and if you are one of those people, and you are a victim of cyber bullying, then let’s take this issue seriously…” Which sounds more like he’s putting down the people who “can’t deal with it” than offering them help. And no part of the video treated the issue seriously.
Anyway, happy holidays from Manchester City!
Man United advance to knockout stage (of the Europa League)
Manchester United silenced the critics who have accused them of playing boring and overly defensive football this season with a thrilling Champions League group stage finale against Wolfsburg.
Avai substitute uses phone hidden in shin pad during match
On the final day of the Brazilian Serie A season, Avai were in serious danger of relegation and facing Corinthians, who had already sealed the title. With a one point advantage on Figueirense, Avai had a vested interest in their match against Fluminense, so Avai striker Andre Lima smuggled a phone onto the bench in order to watch the Figueirense game.
To make sure no one caught on, he put the phone in a pair of shin pads. You know, so everyone would think he’s just a crazy person staring at his shin pads.
DT Exclusive: A commercial director explains his “Jingle Bells” idea to Cristiano Ronaldo
Director: OK, Cristiano, we have to do a holiday advertisement for these terrible headphones so I thought we’d do a unique take on “Jingle Bells” where you perform the song at home while doing everyday things.
Cristiano: Oh, so you want me to sing “Jingle Bells” with my shirt off? OK. We can do that. No problem.
Director: No, actually, we would just have you do things like brush your teeth and make toast and we’d edit it to sound like the song. No singing necessary.
Cristiano: But I would still be shirtless.
Director: Well, not necessarily. It would be you wearing the headphones and banging on the wall or going up and down the stairs.
Cristiano: And I whistle the song while I walk? OK, let’s do it.
Director: No, there’s no whistling either. Just the sounds of these various actions cut together to make the song.
Cristiano: Walking up the stairs doesn’t sound like “Jingle Bells.” Would you put bells inside the stairs or on my feet?
Director: No no no, there would be no actual bells. Just the normal sounds those actions make. Then we’ll edit it to sound like the song “Jingle Bells” later.
Cristiano: Oh, so I’d sing the song in the studio after we film everything. I can sing a Rihanna song instead.
Director: No. There is no singing at any point. It’s just the sounds.
Cristiano: So you’d put bells on my tooth brush?
Director: NO! There will be no bells and no singing and no whistling. Just do what I tell you and it will work out fine. I promise. OK? Can we do this please?
Cristiano: Fine. But in January, I’m going to demand a transfer to another production company.
Director: Whatever. Let’s just get this over with.
Cristiano: Yes. Give me the lyrics and we can start.
Director: (weeps…to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)
Fortuna Düsseldorf have player referee girls game after sexist comment to ref
When 22-year-old Fortuna Düsseldorf midfielder Kerem Demirbay was sent off by referee Bibiana Steinhaus in a 2. Bundesliga match, he told her “women have no place in men’s football.” His club wouldn’t stand for his sexism though, and came up with a clever “punishment” by having him referee a girls match on Saturday.
MLS Cup final starts with a goalkeeping howler inside 30 seconds
Don’t blink. You’re watching the fastest goal in #MLSCup history at 27 seconds, courtesy of @DiegoDv8. https://t.co/m3wsmpQ1RZ
— Major League Soccer (@MLS) December 6, 2015
The Columbus Crew proved they can score fast goals with Justin Meram’s effort just nine seconds into their Eastern Conference Championship against the New York Red Bulls, but in the MLS Cup final they picked a terrible time to prove that they can concede them too. Read more
Nicklas Bendtner tired of “being portrayed as an idiot,” continues to fuel that portrayal
Nicklas Bendtner thinks it’s high time everyone starts taking Nicklas Bendtner seriously. The Wolfsburg striker ironically dubbed “Lord” Bendtner told 11Freunde (via the Guardian):
“I don’t say yes to every interview request. I am tired of being portrayed as an idiot. And even journalists who I trust are not capable of describing in words what I am feeling when I am not playing.”
Yes, the man who was photographed with his pants falling down outside a nightclub, drunkenly demanded free pizza at a pizzeria, was fined and banned for revealing sponsored underwear during Euro 2012, was fined and banned from driving after being caught drunkenly going the wrong way down a road in Copenhagen, posted this image to Instagram, and is even the subject of an article asking if he is “the most stupid player in Premier League history” is tired of being portrayed as an idiot.
But that didn’t stop him from saying more dumb things in the very same interview.
“I have always had a huge desire but perhaps not always the right perspective. I used to think that a forward’s responsibility was to score goals. Now I know that you have to run as well.”
That’s not a 16-year-old academy kid saying that. That’s a 27-year-old professional footballer saying he only just realized the importance of running to his job. And there’s more.
The Dane also expanded on why the tiger is his favourite animal, having described himself as the “tiger who never gives up” towards the end of last season.
“The tiger stands at the end of the food chain. He eats to survive, without any compassion, he doesn’t even feel it. He is the predator par excellence, an animal of dangerous beauty.”
Oh, Nicklas Bendtner. You are truly the tiger of ridiculousness.
DT Giveaway: Win a £25 gift voucher from Art of Football
To help out in this stressful holiday shopping period, DT has once again teamed up with Art of Football to bring you the chance to win some spectacular free stuff. We’re giving away two £25 gift vouchers that you can put towards any purchase on the Art of Football’s site. And if you haven’t checked it out already, you really should. They have a huge selection of everything from T-shirts and hoodies to prints that will class up your walls, all featuring their gorgeous and unique designs.