Hi guys. ???? This @Arsenal winter jumper is nuts! ???? I would love to see everybody wearing it at our next home game!???????? pic.twitter.com/a8UStPcBUA
— Mesut Özil (@MesutOzil1088) November 25, 2015
Footballers have been promoting products on social media for years now, but Mesut Ozil and Freddy Adu have recently infused this soulless practice with a wonderful touch of emotion and artistic flourish.
OK, Neymar. We get it. You’re insanely talented. You don’t need to do things like putting the ball through a hole in the top corner of the goal with a freaking rabona to prove yourself. You’re just making everyone else feel bad about themselves now.
See the nothingness? The uncaring empty void? Look at it. It doesn’t move. It just sits there. A goalless existence that cares not for your enjoyment or anything else.
Keep looking at it. Has it moved yet? Of course it hasn’t. At this point, you know it won’t. You have resigned yourself to the hopelessness of knowing that this is all there will be. And yet you keep watching it.
Staring into the darkness for so long has now warped your mind. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re starting to see something happen inside it, but there is nothing. It is only your own thoughts cannibalizing themselves in an attempt to dig out the mental sustenance that you desperately need.
Now even your thoughts have deserted you. You are forced to confront the meaninglessness of an existence that could allow this to go on. How can the universe hate us enough to let this happen on a weekly basis? Is Louis van Gaal the devil? Could the devil himself even be this evil?
You wet yourself 30 minutes ago just to feel something, but now that has dried and you are back to the nothingness. You want to move. You want stop this insanity. You want to live! But you are frozen. Nothing can be this nothing. How can it go on? How can something so expensive yield so much nothing?!
Keep looking at it. Has it been 90 minutes yet? The whistle sounds and now you can stop. You survived it. Colors and sounds and smells and feelings come rushing back to you like tidal wave of sensation. You are alive! You are free! But you know you are only days away from being subjected to this horror void again. You consider becoming a darts fan but you know that would somehow be far worse.
Already up 1-0 against Palmeiras in the first leg of the Copa do Brasil final, Santos had a golden opportunity to finish the match emphatically and give themselves a nice cushion going into the away leg. But Nilson couldn’t put the ball in an empty net.
How did he miss? By existing in a cruel world that needs no explanation to ruin lives. That’s all there is to it.
Not only did he do this in real life, but he did this in a cup final. If Santos don’t win this trophy, Nilson should definitely consider moving to a different planet.
Thanks to Ryan Lloyd for the tip!
It’s been a date Zlatan Ibrahimovic has been looking forward to since the Champions League draw was made, and really for the last 14 years — playing against his first club, Malmo FF, in his hometown of Malmo. Zlatan spoke of the importance of the occasion to him and he booked the main square so everyone could watch.
But it wasn’t just Zlatan who was excited. The night before the match, the city’s tallest building had a giant, neon blue Z at the top of it and a local sponsor put up posters of Zlatan to welcome him home.
I dare you to watch this video of Jurgen Klopp being interviewed by a nine-year-old (who you might remember from his equally endearing interview with Kolo Toure) and not come away loving the guy. I dare you. It’s impossible.
There are too many great moments to highlight, so just watch the whole thing and accept that Jurgen Klopp is just a delight. After this, I almost hope he gets sacked by Liverpool immediately so he can become a teacher because he would be great at it.
Sound like I’m slathering on the praise? Watch the video and you’ll think I’m holding back.
Graphic designer Martin Turner has started a series of football kits modeled after characters from Pixar films. The Buzz Lightyear kit (above) might be the best of the bunch so far, but the Woody kit is just as inspired…
Right, so that’s the Ballon d’Or speech sorted. If I mention them in it, I’ll definitely get free Nando’s for life. … Remember, if you get another call from Cristiano Ronaldo or Lionel Messi asking you for advice, it’s probably just Robert Huth thinking he’s funny again. … Unless it isn’t. … When I make the move to Real Madrid, I’m going to make everyone pronounce my name “Hamie.” Just have to hope that a name that sounds like “ham” doesn’t ruin my Nando’s chicken deal. … Never going to get tired of saying “It’s-a me, Claudio!” to the boss. Never. … In hindsight, the assault and the racism probably weren’t best for my personal brand. … I’ve got to finish Chat Shit Get Banged: The Musical tomorrow. Andrew Lloyd Webber sounded serious on the phone when he said he wanted that done this week. … Score in 10 straight Premier League matches and I’m rated 71 in FIFA 16. Somebody better get sacked for that. … What if I score in every single match I play in for the rest of my life? What if I’m magic? … I’ll probably get invited to the secret word-class footballers’ WhatsApp group soon. … Need to pitch Burberry on my own line of cardigans called Vardigans. … Hamie Vardy … Hamie Vardy … Hamie Vardy …
If you’re looking to sneak contraband into Ukraine, look like Cristiano Ronaldo and their customs officials will be putty in your hands.
A lot has been made of Jurgen Klopp’s implementation of gegenpressing at Liverpool, but it’s become clear that something else is driving the club’s resurgence under their own manager: hugs.