At this point, just about everything has been used to decorate football kits. Even ham. So it should come as no surprise that the A-League’s Newcastle Jets have produced a special one-off kit for their match against Brisbane Roar that has fighter jets on it. Well, more fighter jets than usual.
This has been a very difficult year for me. I can’t even go to a WWE event without the wrestlers putting me down in front of my children. Yes, I was fortunate enough to break the England scoring record, but there was something else that I truly wanted to achieve this year. Something that I deserved and worked hard to obtain. I wanted to be named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. But they’ve wrongly given it to David Beckham and I am outraged.
As the Swedish national team arrived back at their hotel after Zlatan Ibrahimovic claimed their place in Euro 2016 and retired all of Denmark, one of the police officers stationed outside the door decided that vigilance and professionalism are nowhere near as important as getting a selfie with Zlatan. A decision all of us can agree is the correct one.
So he asked. And being the generous deity that he is, Zlatan stopped and leaned in for the photo while the three officers there eagerly huddled together to get in the shot. Seeing this happening without her, another officer came running over to squeeze in.
Now with five people trying to fit in the frame, the officer holding the phone couldn’t hold it far enough away to make it work. Seeing his mortal struggle, Zlatan then took the phone and used his longer, more powerful arm to get the job done.
Praise Zlatan and his infinite generosity.
Chile’s Gonzalo Jara and Uruguay’s Edinson Cavani faced each other for the first time since the former was given a three-match ban for jamming a finger up the latter’s backside during last summer’s Copa America, and this time, Jara was able to keep his digits out of Cavani’s crevices.
A brace from captain, messiah, and savior Zlatan Ibrahimovic gave Sweden a 4-3 aggregate win over Denmark to send them to Euro 2016. Zlatan’s second goal was an inch-perfect free kick that you have to look at right now…
As another terrorist plot was narrowly foiled at the abandoned friendly between Germany and the Netherlands, Wembley honored the victims of last week’s attack in Paris before the match between England and France.
Following the brilliance of Hector Bellerin and Nacho Monreal’s match commentary, Arsenal’s YouTube channel has struck gold once again. This time, the players were the marks as children were tasked with subjecting them to uncomfortable interviews.
Jack Wilshere, Per Mertesacker, Bellerin, and Calum Chambers first had to deal with their younger interviewers’ disappointment that they weren’t Aaron Ramsey or Mesut Ozil. Bellerin, in particular, wasn’t too empathetic. Then came some tough trivia questions. Well, they were supposed to be tough, but Mertesacker certainly didn’t think so, as he surprised his prankster with the answers.
Wilshere, meanwhile, just looked like he wanted to headbutt the kid questioning him.
Don’t mess with Mertesacker. He knows his African capitals.
Ireland upset Bosnia and Herzegovina in their Euro 2016 qualification playoff to reach the finals for the second consecutive time. After winning the second leg 2-0 at home, the Irish celebrated in the dressing room with pint-sized kit man Dick Redmond barreling in dressed as Superman.
“I’m 60 and I’m going to France!” he shouted after getting doused with beer by the players. Brilliant.
Ireland will join England, Wales, and Northern Ireland as representatives of the British Isles at Euro 2016, leaving Scotland to pretend it has something better to do that month.
Fans of every La Liga club except Real Madrid have long believed that Los Blancos receive preferential treatment from those in charge, and now they have all the proof they need to claim validation.
Javier Tebas, Costa Rica born president of La Liga, has admitted to being a Real Madrid supporter.
From BeIN Sports:
“If I say I don’t support [Madrid], then that would be hypocritical and I would be painted as a liar,” he said in an interview with AS.
“And I certainly don’t like to be called a liar. Imagine if I said that I loved all teams, and then it came out that I supported Madrid since I was a boy, went to 27 Clasicos in the past, that I celebrated Madrid wins with friends in a bar. I prefer to call it as it is.”
Does this mean every penalty Real Madrid are awarded is a direct order from Tebas? Yep. Does it mean Barcelona and Atletico Madrid are being actively sabotaged at every turn? Of course. Does it mean that the Cristiano Ronaldo documentary will be shown at all official La Liga functions? You know it.
This, my friends, is indisputable proof that the Illuminati is real.
Looking for a place to swim? Head on down to Carlisle United’s Brunton Park, where the Waterworks End is truly living up to its name after heavy rainfall on Sunday night.
