Celtic welcomed Rangers back to the Scottish Premier League by beating them 5-1 and Rangers fans showed their gratitude by tearing down a bathroom at Celtic Park.
Tag: Dirty Tackle
Man City fan gives tour of Old Trafford
I don’t know if these are real tourists that this Man City fan channel snarkily guided around the outside of Old Trafford, but it was a clever idea for a video, so I don’t really care. Here’s to hoping rival fan stadium tours become an ongoing thing.
Brazilian fans struggling to provide the necessary silence at Paralympic blind football matches
The boisterous support of Brazilian fans usually serves as an advantage to their teams, but for the blind football matches being played at the Paralympics, it’s proving to be a challenge for the players.
Landon Donovan’s Unretirement of Epic Broportions
WHAT. IS. GOOD.
LD BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK UP IN THIS LA GALAXY THING AHHHHHHHH!!!
Apologies for that fuego landing, but your boy has been rum and stoked straight up since lunch at the prospect of making the most epic unretirement comeback in the history of American soccer this weekend at the Stub. Let’s fuggin’ talk about it.
Why L-Deezy? Why did you have to go all American Soccer Jesus on us? Because I felt like it. Plus changing Talon’s diapers is a really whack activity. I love being a dad but that dude’s butt is on some other stuff. But you should expect that when you name you prince after a rad-ass pterodactyl body part.
Anyway, when my man was born I insisted off the rip on a diet solely comprised of Gerber’s peaches and avocado toast — but some garbaggio doctor said that it wasn’t a good idea. Whatever — it actually isn’t my problem anymore, doc. Now all I do is go to training, boss up, get a few ill tocas in with the lads, then go home and we just post up and watch old Dave Matthews Band concert videos and play “dress the kid up like Bob Ley.” That’s the parenting sweet spot. Take notes, America. Thank you, Bruce Arena.
Number 26? Yeah, bro. Good old Deuce-Seis. One of the more visually chill two-digit numbers on the entire number line. Plus Talon was born on that day of the month. Word.
Position? I don’t really care. It means nothing to me. I learned in Cambodia that positions are just false jails that soccer players are put in. This, I believe, also applies to international rosters and non-rosters. (Side note: I bet watching my announcement video made Jurgen Klinsmann sprinkle his lederhosen.) So what if they moved one of the best central midfielders in the league to loft me back into the lion’s den? That’s what you do for a #LegenD. And it’s gonna be dope.
Personal Benefits? Potentially have two jersey numbers retired in the Galaxy Constellation of Champions at the Intergalactic Planetary and Space Museum. Potentially win a league MVP award named after myself. Probably get Stevie G to make funny faces at things because he’s a full English breakfast and was already afraid if I came back I’d be mowing his tea and crumpets on the team sheet.
Definitely gonna dap up my boy the Soccer Don again, tho. Oh and b-t-dubs: no take backs on those retirement gifts.
Previously: Landon Donovan’s Retirement Adventure of Epic Broportions
Jose Mourinho spies on Pep Guardiola in funny Manchester derby sketch
With Pep Guardiola’s move to Manchester City to resume his eternal battle with Jose Mourinho, Catalan football satire show Crackovia is producing a series about the two rivals as they now share a city. The first episode spoofs the popular Man City YouTube video that had Guardiola sharing a cab with a young ginger fan and features a depiction of Zlatan Ibrahimovic as a Frankenstein’s Monster type character who can only say “Zlatan.”
Pretty good, Crackovia. Pretty, pretty good.
Landon Donovan comes out of retirement after Steven Gerrard jokes about how thankful he is that Landon Donovan retired
Steven Gerrard recently did one of those videos where they put a footballer with a kid and let the adorableness of the interaction hypnotize you into wanting to buy his shirt. But after telling the child that Leicester “crap,” the kid brought up a now interesting topic: Landon Donovan’s retirement.
Qatar National Bank films Xavi’s ultimate fantasy
Noted opinion haver and Al Sadd midfielder Xavi is the star of a commercial for Qatar National Bank and I’m pretty sure he also served as creative director for the project because it depicts the scenario he has always dreamed of: Xavis everywhere.
The ad shows a football match between two teams entirely made up of Xavis, refereed by a Xavi, coached by Xavis, and watched by Xavis. The pitch is perfect. And since everyone in this world is a Xavi, there is universal appreciation for the style of play which Xavi believes is the correct way to play the game. There are no Jose Mourinhos, no pitches that are too wet or too dry — it’s Xavi heaven.
Didier Drogba puts some old man wizard magic on a free kick
In the second minute of Montreal’s match against Orland, Didier Drogba took a free kick and added a bit of wizard magic to it. The ball moved in slow motion and right at the goalkeeper, hypnotizing him into pushing the ball into his own net.
Orlando went on to win 4-1 after Montreal’s goalkeeper was sent off early in the second half, but only because Drogba didn’t feel like stopping time all together and scoring five more times while everyone else was frozen in place.
Dean Saunders regales radio show with fantastical story about Brian Clough (that isn’t true)
Dean Saunders played just one season for Nottingham Forest on the downside of his career, but in 1991, Brain Clough tried to sign him. Saunders shared a colorful version of the story about his encounter with Clough — a brilliant manager who battled alcoholism — on TalkSport and his audience ate it up with a spoon.
Christian Pulisic is a divine being and the end times are upon us
Christian Pulisic became the youngest American to start a World Cup qualifier in the U.S.’s 4-0 win over Trinidad and Tobago. The 17-year-old played the entire match and instead of scoring the fourth goal of his budding international career, he hit both posts with a single shot.
From any other player, this would be nothing more than a curious anomaly. But from Pulisic, it is a clear sign that he possess supernatural powers and that the end times, which can only be brought on by the existence of a truly great American footballer who can withstand a level of hype and expectation that cripples mere mortals, are now upon us.