Tag: Dirty Tackle

How to make it in Swiss prison if you’re Sepp Blatter

It’s finally happened. A criminal investigation against Sepp Blatter has been opened by Swiss authorities over mismanagement of funds and a “disloyal payment” to UEFA president Michel Platini.

According to the Independent, he could go to jail for up to five years for the criminal mismanagement charge. Although there’s a long way to go before that happens, it might be time for Sepp to formulate a prison plan just in case. So in the interest of helping someone who has done so much to further his own interests in football, we here at Dirty Tackle have a few tips that Blatter might find useful in the can.

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Jose Mourinho would like to make his point about Arsene Wenger being awful again

It’s been a rough week for Arsene Wenger. Though he did get a big midweek win against Spurs in the Capital One Cup, it only came after he lost to Jose Mourinho’s Chelsea yet again last weekend, which was quickly followed by reports of he and his wife getting divorced. So Mourinho has decided to round it out by giving Wenger a familiar kick for not being down enough.

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Kolo Toure goes to 9-year-old fan’s house for tea and an interview

Liverpool’s YouTube channel arranged for Kolo Toure to go to a 9-year-old fan’s house for tea and and an interview and the result is delightful.

The interview begins with Kolo serving as goalkeeper to young Isaac’s Christian Benteke in the back garden, then moves into the house for the big question about the key to happiness, the meaning of life, their shared laziness, and Kolo’s fear of all animals. According to Kolo, all animals are scary, but the three scariest are: snakes, lions, and dogs.

Keep in mind that while this whole discussion is taking place, the theme song from Curb Your Enthusiasm is playing, which is absolutely perfect.

Near the end, Kolo and Isaac sing the Kolo/Yaya song at the table and then it concludes with the two doing the dishes. This is official club video content at its finest.

Brazilian goalkeeper lets ball roll under his foot for an own goal

Macae goalkeeper Rafael Silva discovered what happens when playing it cool goes wrong in the 10th minute of his side’s Brazilian Serie B match against Botafogo. He tried to casually stop a simple backpass with his foot, but the ball rolled right under his bare minimum effort for an own goal that even seemed to embarrass the other team.

Botafogo went on to win 2-1, so, yeah, this was pretty bad.

Thanks to Ryan Lloyd for the tip!

Letters from Bojan: A triumphant return

The earnest question of whether Lionel Messi could do it on a cold, wet night in Stoke has persisted as a cliched joke for a few years now. So when Barcelona surprisingly sold Bojan, a 24-year-old once hyped as the next Messi, to Stoke City, the only explanation was that Messi personally asked him to go there on an expedition to see if the conditions in this mythical place are as challenging as the fables suggest. This is Bojan’s sixth letter back to his friend.

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Spurs gave Wayne Gretzky a shirt with his name spelled wrong on it

(@SpursOfficial)
(@SpursOfficial)

Ice hockey legend Wayne Gretzky was at White Hart Lane for Spurs’ Capital One Cup match against Arsenal, so the club rolled out the red carpet for him. Ledley King even presented him with a personalized No. 99 Spurs shirt with his name on it in front of the cameras. The only problem was that the shirt spelled Gretzky’s name with an “s” instead of a “z.”

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Robert Lewandowski scores five goals in nine minutes, renders Pep Guardiola goal drunk

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Losing 1-0 to Wolfsburg at home after 45 minutes, Pep Guardiola decided to make a double switch, replacing Juan Bernat and Thiago with Javi Martinez and Robert Lewandowski, respectively. The Polish striker then proceeded to scored five goals between the 51st and 60th minutes, putting Bayern up 5-1.

That’s not five goals in nine games, nine weeks, or even nine months. He did that in nine minutes. Needless to say, this is absurd and destroys everything we thought we knew about space and time. When Lewandowski scored his fifth, you could actually see the exact moment that Pep Guardiola’s brain melted.

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Mario Balotelli scores tremendous free kick in first start since his Milan return

Building on an impressive showing off the bench in the Milan derby, Mario Balotelli has scored his first goal since returning to Milan in style with an absolutely perfect free kick into the top corner against Udinese. The goal came in just the fifth minute. Balo was sporting a Doc Brown from Back to the Future style mohawk as he did it.

And just like that, Mario has matched his Premier League goal total with Liverpool.