With an influx of top managers into the Premier League this season, new Manchester United boss Jose Mourinho has announced that he will employ a regular insult schedule throughout the campaign.
Tag: Future News
Future News: Brazil claims football is “not really a big deal”
Following a 0-0 draw with a 10-man South Africa in their first match of the Rio Olympics, Brazil has officially declared that the nation does not care about football.
Future News: Aston Villa launch investigation into all their players not caught with laughing gas
Following Aston Villa’s announcement that striker Gabriel Agbonlahor has been suspended for being pictured with laughing gas canisters, the club has also announced an investigation into all of their players not pictured with laughing gas canisters.
Future News: Marouane Fellaini admits belief that opponents’ heads are filled with candy
Manchester United midfielder/desperation striker Marouane Fellaini has admitted to a long-held belief that opposing footballers’ heads are filled with candy, prompting his intense desire to elbow it free. His teammates informed him that this isn’t the case after losing to rivals Liverpool by an aggregate score of 3-1.
“Ever since I first saw a piñata, I have always been convinced that my opponents heads also contain sweet, delicious candy,” said Fellaini, who was booked for elbowing Liverpool defender Dejan Lovren in the second leg of the tie. “I like candy. I like candy a lot. But when I tried to bring a large stick onto the pitch for a match, they wouldn’t let me. So ever since I’ve just tried to bash their heads open with my elbows so the candy can come out and I can have it.”
The Belgian added: “I’ve had teammates try to convince me that this isn’t true in the past, but I never believed them. I just thought they were trying to keep more candy for themselves. But I now accept that this isn’t the case and I apologize for trying to elbow the non-existent candy out of opposing players for so long.”
Though Fellaini has backed off of this belief, he says that he has developed a new theory about embattled Man United manager Louis van Gaal.
“Van Gaal’s head has to be filled with candy,” Fellaini said. “Of that I am certain. I mean, it’s the only way you can explain all of this — me playing as a striker, the things he says, the players he’s brought in. If that’s not the mark of a man with candy for brains, then I don’t know what is.”
Asked if he will now stop elbowing opponents in the head after coming to terms with the truth and apologizing for his actions, Fellaini said, “What? No. Why would I?”
Future News: Football matches to be replaced by 90 minutes of pure respect
FIFA has announced that from this day forward, all football matches will be replaced by “polite exhibitions of respect” in place of the actual playing of football.
Future News: Sick children make charitable visit Louis van Gaal’s house
Patients from Royal Manchester Children’s Hospital paid a special visit to the home of struggling Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal to spread some much needed holiday cheer. The children were delighted to help raise the spirits of someone less fortunate than them during Christmas period.
Future News: FIFA presidential candidates insist they are real people
Six of the eight FIFA presidential candidates have banded together to assure the public that they are, in fact, real people.
Future News: Yaya Toure proposes acceptable level of praise for Yaya Toure
Following his latest complaints of being underappreciated, Yaya Toure has laid out an a comprehensive plan for how the world should praise him properly.
Future News: Pictures of fully clothed Cristiano Ronaldo leaked
Pictures of a fully clothed Cristiano Ronaldo have been leaked onto the internet by a hacker, the Portuguese superstar’s representatives have confirmed. The private snaps show Ronaldo in baggy, off the rack clothing that completely covers his body from the neck down. Out of respect to Ronaldo’s privacy, we will not be showing the images here.
Future News: Pepe claims Lionel Messi broke into his house and terrorized him in the night
Real Madrid defender Pepe has made the sensational claim that Barcelona star Lionel Messi broke into his house in the dead of night and brutally attacked him.
This comes after Messi stunned the world by headbutting and grabbing the neck of Roma defender Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa in an uncharacteristic show of anger during a preseason friendly.