It's always nice to bring gifts when invited to someone's home...just not dead fish.
Tag: Germany
2. Bundesliga reject newly promoted club’s kit design
When fashion falls victim to The Man.
Germany win FIFA’s Golden Dildo
Germany beat Chile 1-0 to win the Confederations Cup for the first time
Germany beat Chile and overcame VAR to win FIFA’s most phallic trophy on offer this year, and continue their domination of international football. And they did it with what was essentially a youth team.
Germany manager Jogi Löw left many of his more established stars at home in order to give the country’s next generation a bit of experience ahead of next year’s World Cup. As a result, the youngest squad in the competition faced the oldest (Chile) in the final and handled themselves exceptionally well—even in the face of the latest Video Assistant Referee goof-up, which saw Chilean rectal examiner Gonzalo Jara receive a yellow card after review when he should have been sent off in the 65th minute.
Germany captain Julian Draxler (23 years old), who moved from Wolfsburg to PSG last season, was awarded the Golden Ball as the tournament’s best player, RB Leipzig’s Timo Werner (21 years old) was awarded the Golden Boot—even though teammates Leon Goretzka (22 years old) and Lars Stindl (an elderly 28 years old) matched his three goals—and Chile’s Claudio Bravo won the Golden Glove just to melt Man City fans’ brains.
📹HIGHLIGHTS | #CHIGER
🇩🇪Germany claim first #ConfedCup title with victory over 🇨🇱Chile in Saint Petersburg
➡️https://t.co/tE6KIqGm3v pic.twitter.com/tA6fd6alQ0— #ConfedCup (@FIFAcom) July 2, 2017
So what did we learn from the Confederations Cup? Even if all the players who won the World Cup with Germany in 2014 who are still with the team get hurt, they still have an absurdly high chance of repeating as champions.
Anyway, here’s Löw creepily holding the Confederations Cup trophy and looking like he’s seconds away from sniffing it repeatedly.
Best coach ever 🇩🇪❤#Mannschaft @DFB_Team_EN pic.twitter.com/mw1yiN9b0i
— Hawraa Hamoud (@HawraaHamoud2) July 2, 2017
Germany’s goalkeeper used a cheatsheet to beat England in U-21 Euros shootout
Isn't being a German goalkeeper facing an England team enough?!
Lukas Podolski scores a belter in his final international match
It was against England, but still…
Lukas Podolski always saved his best for the international stage and his final appearance in a Germany shirt was no different. Playing against England, the former Arsenal and Bayern Munich striker scored the only goal of the match in emphatic fashion.
Podolski ends his international career with 130 caps, 49 goals, and a World Cup title. He also inspired one of the greatest songs ever recorded.
HSV issue warning to “feral pissers” who urinate all over their stadium
Take your urine and get out!
Hamburger SV have a problem on their hands. No, it’s not that they’re currently in the relegation zone. It’s that people are urinating all over the Volksparkstadion.
Prior to their DFB Pokal quarterfinal against Borussia Mönchengladbach (which they lost 2–1, conceding two penalties for the decisive goals), HSV tweeted a warning to anyone who might turn their stadium into a waterpark.
“Feral pissers are not wanted!” They say. “Not in our living room. The club’s security staff will eject feral pissers, in accordance with Volksparkstadion rules.”
Twitter users who responded to this message pointed out the inadequate facilities at the stadium, indicating why some fans have been letting it fly in alternative locations.
Whatever the reason for this is, you might want to wear a raincoat and bring a bucket of hand sanitizer the next time you visit the Volksparkstadion.
Thomas Müller uses his passport as a phone to dodge questions from the press
A lesson in social avoidance from a true expert
Arriving back in Munich after Bayern’s winter training trip to Doha, Thomas Müller really did not want to speak to the reporters waiting at the gate. So like many people do when trying to avoid unwanted social interaction, he pretended like he was talking on the phone. Unlike many people, he decided to use his passport instead of his actual phone to achieve this ruse.
Though it might seem strange at first, this is actually a stroke of genius. How can reporters ask questions when they’re too busy laughing/questioning your sanity?
It’s quick thinking like this that got Müller to the lofty heights of being the Directing Manager of Carrots.
Mats Hummels dyed his hair because he lost an Oktoberfest bet
Another reason why you should never play carnival games
If you saw Mats Hummels’ newly blond hair during Bayern’s 3–0 win over RB Leipzig and thought “Good lord, he must have lost a bet” you were exactly right. As Hummels tells it, he lost a bet on a carnival game at Oktoberfest and waited until the last moment to pay up.
From ESPN FC:
“I had to have it (dyed) for at least one game in 2016,” Hummels said.
“So I thought to myself ‘We’ll just take first place against second place.’ That way it will get the most attention.”
Hummels told Bild that he has to keep his hair this way for a week, but after that he’s considering shaving it off, the he fears he doesn’t “have the head shape” to pull off the bald look.
It’s telling, however, that what Hummels considers punishment for losing a bet, Leo Messi willing did to himself earlier in the year.
Hummels isn’t totally down on his new look, though.
“In the right light it looks good,” he said. Presumably the “right light” is off.
Player talks referee out of awarding him a penalty in German amateur league
Honesty is the best policy—even when you’re down 2–0
When down 2–0, many footballers would murder Santa Claus for a penalty. But Toni Munoz of German amateur side FC Bocholt has proven himself to be more interested in fair play than sparking a comeback.
After going down in the box when a defender made a blatant attempt to trip him, Munoz was awarded a penalty. The SF Baumberg players vigorously protested the decision, surrounding the ref as Muno casually strolled over and approached the official himself. He pulled the ref aside and shook his head no, apparently arguing that there was no contact and there shouldn’t be a spot kick.
Impressed with this selfless display, the Baumberg players embraced and applauded Munoz. Some high fives were attempted, but Munoz apparently draws the line at high-fiving opponents when he helps protect their lead.
Baumberg went on to win 3–1, perhaps saving Munoz from getting some abuse back in the dressing room.
Bundesliga ref shows five cards in 12 seconds
When you’ve had enough of everyone’s shit and it’s time to lay a disciplinary smackdown
During added time of Ingolstadt’s 1–0 win over RB Leipzig on Saturday, referee Markus Schmidt reached his breaking point. Like a gunslinger in the Old West, Schmidt laid down the law with his trusty cards, first showing Mathew Leckie two yellows and a red in quick succession, then Davie Selke got a yellow, then Florent Hadergjonaj got one.
Leckie found the sequence quite amusing, but Schmidt wasn’t joking around. If the match didn’t end when it did, he probably would’ve started throwing yellow cards like ninja stars.
After seeing this, I’m 99% sure Schmidt tries to book other drivers on his way home from work.
