Tag: Harry Kane

GARRY KANE’S EATING MOSQUITOES AND SCORING GOALS AS ENGLAND RIDE POOL UNICORNS ALL THE WAY TO THE WORLD CUP FINAL

FOOTBALL’S COMING HOME! IT’S COMING HOME! IT’S COMING HOME! IT’S COMING HOOOOOME!

After looking like they were going to fuck it up like aways, England beat Tunisia—who are the best national team in Tunisia—thanks to two goals from that beautiful slackjawed, Saving Private Ryan looking goal machine Garry Kane, including the winner he headed in during added time. If I have a 19th child, and I want to recognize it’s existence, I will name it Garry in his honor. What a man!

England’s first goal came early on, before they realized that they’re England at a World Cup. Then Style Walker elbowed a Tunisian lad in the face to concede a penalty and say “Alright, we’re here, but we’ve all got holidays booked from the first week of July.” But Big Mouth Garry Kane said, “You can go on that holiday by yourself, Style. The rest of us have got a World Cup to win.” And then he headed in the winner and I drank 66 pints, punched a dentist in the neck, then blacked out and woke up to write this. What a match.

Tunisia weren’t the only thing England beat that night. They also overcame the plague of mosquitos that Putin ordered to attack our boys as they played, knowing that we are the greatest threat to his attempt to hack the World Cup with his army of trained computer wizard bears.

Some twunts have tried to say that Hakeem Sterling had a poor performance, but he was easily the MFotM—the Midge Fighter of the Match.

Meanwhile, Kane just swallowed them by the loads to fuel his match-winning performance.

With those three points secure, it’s just a waiting game to see who England will face in the final, so the team have apparently decided to do a bunch of LSD and ride around the hotel pool on some floaty unicorns until it’s time to face Brazil or whoever.

Nesse Lingard, absolutely off his nut on the finest acid money can buy.

Football: It’s coming home.

The two songs that have already ruined the 2018 World Cup

Old Bert’s ears are bleeding and this time it’s nothing to do with Big Sam convincing me to get a bulldog tattooed directly onto my skull. The World Cup is about to begin and that means every numpty on the planet has to release a song about it. They all make Harry Redknapp sound like Tom Jones, but two of these abominations of music are so bad that they already ruined the whole sodding tournament.

First there’s Real Madrid mixed martial artist Serbian Ramos wearing a shirt that says “Noble Donkey” while sounding like a noble arse after a dodgy paella.

He should stick to breaking people’s shoulders in cup finals and leave the singing to that ginger kid who looks like he’s homeless. At least we know Ramos hasn’t been spending any time with Gerald Pique’s missus.

Next there’s the singer out of Kaiser Chiefs and a muscular potato that used to play cricket ruining a disco classic by making it about Garry Kane.

After hearing this I hope Kane scores seven own goals in the group stage and catches a radioactive cockroach from Chernobyl in his uncloseable mouth. And I say that as someone with one cap for the England B team in 1984 resulting from a clerical error. I am England ’til I die. (Or until they correct that clerical error.)

There is no possible way the 2018 World Cup can recover from these audio horrors. The best thing to do now is call off the tournament and drink Russian vodka until we all vomit into a fish tank and cut off our ears like that one artist fella from 100 years ago.

England come back from 2-0 down to beat Germany, destroy everything you thought you knew about real life

First things first, this was only a friendly. So you might want to recite that sentence after every single line of this post. That said, it’s only fitting that during a season in which Leicester City are on the verge of winning the Premier League title, England come back from 2-0 down to beat Germany at the Olympiastadion with total disregard for everything humankind knows to be true.

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Young England players get valuable big tournament elimination experience at U-21 Euros

For the third consecutive time, England have been eliminated in the group stage of the U-21 European Championship, ensuring that the senior team’s next generation is prepared for the soul-crushing international career that awaits them.

A 3-1 loss to Italy left England at the bottom of their group (just like the senior team at last summer’s World Cup), in which Portugal and Sweden advance to semifinal dates against Germany and Denmark, respectively. This allowed the England players to get valuable experience in looking disappointed while wearing an England shirt…

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Petr Cech consoles Harry Kane after the Capital One Cup final

(Getty)
(Getty)

“Hey, Harry, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry about all this. I know it’s tough to lose a cup final. It happens to the best of us, though. See these hands? Even though you couldn’t get a single shot past them today, others have. And when they did, I was just as upset as you are. But look at me now! I’ve won yet another trophy and I couldn’t be happier. Pretty great, isn’t it?

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Conspiracy Theory: Harry Kane is a character designed by the FA and a marketing company

Harry Kane, the 21-year-old Spurs striker currently enjoying a run of form to rival Lionel Messi’s for best in the world, is not the person he seems to be. Of course, that’s easy to say when most observers of the game only just learned of his existence this season, but the creation of “Harry Kane” has been more than a decade in the making. And the objective is to produce the perfect mix of talent and benign likability in order to further propel the Premier League and English football to even greater financial and sporting success.

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Harry Kane is good at kicking American footballs too

Being England’s next great hope is a sentence of certain doom, so Tottenham striker Harry Kane is getting a start on exploring other careers. And with the Super Bowl coming up (which Harry is apparently very excited about), he decided to try kicking a field goal. Without the proper goal posts.

Kane’s kick was long and straight and might get the attention of NFL scouts. But even if it doesn’t, Ted Lasso will be proud.