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England have won a penalty shootout at the World Cup and I am still drunk on disbelief (and a massive amount of alcohol). Colombia played like wankstains and got what they deserved. I headbutted someone during that match as well, but when the police and the other patrons of the pub all banded together to kick me out the pub, I had the decency to leave.

Gordan Pickford—the smallest goalkeeper to ever put on a pair of gloves and make Colombia cry like they just witnessed the final show of a Shakira farewell tour—made the big save that stopped me from defecating in Henderson’s back garden every night for the next four years and put England through to the quarterfinals to face the national team of a furniture company.

Pickford had a lot of naysayers, though. The Belgian keeper, Elbow Courtois, said he’s too short. Like he’s one of those creepy hobbit men from Barcelona or something. Even Arsene Wenger, presumably ranting in the queue at a Jobcentre, had a go:

But do you know who believed in the lad? Ginormous Sam Allardyce and yours truly.

And shine he fucking did. Sam managed Pickford at Everton and Sunderland, so he’s basically taught the boy everything he knows. As I said before, Sam’s greasy musk is all over this England team and the keeper position is no different.

But before Sam got to him, I laid the groundwork from a young age. His secondary school hired me to shout insults at him and his classmates in a foreign-sounding language of my own invention to help them deal with the pressure of having to perform on an international stage like the World Cup. By “hire”, I mean they didn’t immediately alert the police when I started doing it, but Pickford responded the best out of all them kids. He shouted “fuck off you crusty old twunt weasel” and gave me the old two-finger salute. I’ll never forget that. And on Tuesday he did the same to Bechamel Falcao.

This England squad have a chance to make history. But what’s even more important is that Gordan Pickford already reminded everyone of Massive Sam’s genius and made Wenger look like the wrinkled numpty that he is. That’s what it’s all about.