Tag: Jose Mourinho

Conspiracy Theory: Jose Mourinho infected Chelsea players with a crippling virus before match

Could Chelsea players falling ill just before facing Man United be a coincidence? No way

Chelsea lost 2–0 to Man United on Sunday in an uncharacteristically poor performance and now it has been revealed that several key Chelsea players were enfeebled by a virus that just so happened to sweep through the team at that time. Clearly this was the result of biological warfare enacted by former Chelsea and current Man United manager Jose Mourinho.

According to the Guardian, the illness forced Marcos Alonso to be withdrawn from the starting XI shortly before kickoff and it affected both Victor Moses, who had to be substituted shortly after halftime, and Diego Costa, who only has a yellow card to show for his 90 minutes of play.

One theory that has been considered by the club is that the bug had spread through the squad at a team bonding meal — one of a number arranged by Conte over the course of the season to strengthen the group — last Thursday evening.

Another theory is that the man who infected Chelsea with this devastating bug was Jose Mourinho. The motive was certainly there. Not only was he sacked by Chelsea twice despite winning three Premier League titles for the club, but he was beaten 4–0 and called “Judas” by fans upon his return to Stamford Bridge back in October. Obviously Mourinho would’ve wanted revenge enough to take drastic measures to ensure he got it.

But would Mourinho posses a biological agent capable of incapacitating Chelsea’s players? Well how else can you explain Eden Hazard’s performance during the 2015/16 season before Mourinho was sacked? Mourinho must have been testing the virus on him and it proved more powerful than he expected.

There is no other explanation for a season this out of line with the rest of Hazard’s career

So after the match in October, Mourinho decided to use his connections within the club and unleash his secret weapon on the Chelsea players during Conte’s “team bonding meal” in the hopes that it would not only impair them for the match, but turn them against Conte, whose immediate domination of the Premier League has been a source of jealousy for Mourinho, who still sits in fifth place with Man United despite the three points.

If this isn’t what happened, then why was it three of the team’s most important players who were most affected by the illness while John Terry sat on the bench feeling fine? Why didn’t this illness sweep through the team before a match against, say, Burnley? And what was the deal with Thibaut Courtois injuring himself before the match while filming a promotional video for the NBA? Know who attended an NBA game last year? Jose Mourinho.

The evidence is overwhelming, but Mourinho will still get away with his diabolical deed and retain the three points that make up the margin between him and his ultimate nemesis: Arsene Wenger. Coincidence? Not a chance.

Jose Mourinho answers journalist’s phone, doesn’t hate life so much anymore

It’s amazing what a difference a few wins can make


Just a few short months ago, Jose Mourinho was getting sent off for kicking water bottles and replicating the misery of the David Moyes era at Manchester United. He was feeling confined in his luxury hotel room as his uncharacteristic inability to get results, which began the year before at Chelsea, sapped him of his vibrancy.

But now it’s 2017 and Man United have turned things around. They’ve won nine matches in a row and they’ve gone unbeaten in their last 15. Mourinho’s sense of humor appears to have returned with this vindication, as evidenced by his decision to answer the phone of a journalist when it rang during his Friday press conference.

Three months ago, Mourinho likely would have smashed the offending device with his bare hands while cursing at the assembled reporters in a language of his own creation, but now that some of the pressure has subsided, he can laugh again. And the way things are going, he will soon be able to Arsene Wenger again, too.



Jose “Worse than Moyes” Mourinho sent off for kicking water bottle

Mourinho pays tribute to his personal hero, Arsene Wenger

(SportsJoe.ie)

Jose Mourinho was sent off for the second time this season after he kicked a water bottle when Paul Pogba was booked for diving in the first half of Man United’s 1–1 draw with West Ham. In fairness to Mourinho, it definitely could have looked like a bookable challenge from his angle on the touchline, but it wasn’t and now he’s been sent off at Old Trafford as many times as he’s won there this season.

The action that got Mourinho sent off this time, however, might have been inspired by his favorite person in the world, Arsene Wenger. Back in 2009, Wenger was also famously punished for kicking a water bottle at Old Trafford. Surely this was just Mourinho’s latest attempt to be more like the man he once labeled an “expert in failure.” It would certainly explain the last two seasons of his career.

Mourinho has now fallen behind a pace that got David Moyes sacked in April of his first and only season in charge at Man United. Under Mourinho, the Red Devils are currently sixth in the Premier League and closer to 18th-place Hull City (nine points ahead) than first-place Chelsea (11 points back).

On the bright side, Man United are undefeated when Mourinho gets sent to the stands (they drew 0–0 with Burnley in October the first time it happened). So maybe he should do this more often?


https://upscri.be/16bb19

Jose Mourinho and David Moyes are living inescapable nightmares

It’s a good old fashioned sad-off!

Two sad men shake hands in the saddest way possible.

Jose Mourinho and David Moyes are arguably the two saddest managers in the Premier League right now. Mourinho was sent to the stands as his Man United only managed a 0–0 draw with Burnley, leaving them in eighth place while Moyes’ Sunderland remain winless and at the bottom of the table through 10 matches.

As both men have recently revealed, their workplace troubles have bled into their personal lives, creating an unwanted competition to see who’s sadder.

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/soccer-dirty-tackle/david-moyes-jose-mourinho-set-bar-high-most-201247315.html

Mourinho, who is living an isolated existence in a Manchester hotel (perhaps unsure whether he’ll be around long enough to make buying a home worthwhile) while the rest of his family remains in London, told Sky Sports:

“For me, it’s a bit of a disaster because I want sometimes to walk a little bit and I can’t. I just want to cross the bridge and go to a restaurant. I can’t, so it is really bad.

“But I have my apps and I can ask for food to also be delivered, which I do sometimes.”

Meanwhile, David Moyes told reporters that his team’s record has him in a more literally dark place. From Reuters:

“It’s damning, I agree,” Moyes added. “It does make me feel lousy, and I do. I don’t feel good about it but you’ve got to take it. I probably spend Saturday night, and quite often, in a darkened room somewhere.

“Sunday gets a wee bit better, but not much, and hopefully by the time Monday morning comes, you are ready to go again.

“You’ve got to get it out of the system and you are up and running again. And I’ll do that again on Monday.”

It was just a few short years ago that Mourinho said he felt sorry for Moyes in the midst of a brief and terrible spell at Man United that is turning out to be remarkably similar to what Mourinho himself is experiencing there right now.

(Bleacher Report)

Given their shared misery, they should reach out to one another and no longer suffer in solitude. Help each other through this difficult period. Maybe they could silently Facetime while sitting alone their respective darkened rooms, each occasionally muttering Marouane Fellaini’s name. Or they could make plans to start a new football club together. One without owners who will sack you or players who will let you down. One that never loses and exists wherever your family wants to live. It could revolutionize the game! Then the names Mourinho and Moyes will be beloved and synonymous with success once more! Think how wonderful it will be! And then pay the food delivery guy, apologize for holding him up, and close the door before he can ask why there aren’t any lights on and “Mad World” by Tears for Fears keeps playing on repeat.


Jose Mourinho spies on Pep Guardiola in funny Manchester derby sketch

With Pep Guardiola’s move to Manchester City to resume his eternal battle with Jose Mourinho, Catalan football satire show Crackovia is producing a series about the two rivals as they now share a city. The first episode spoofs the popular Man City YouTube video that had Guardiola sharing a cab with a young ginger fan and features a depiction of Zlatan Ibrahimovic as a Frankenstein’s Monster type character who can only say “Zlatan.”

Pretty good, Crackovia. Pretty, pretty good.

DT Exclusive: Jose Mourinho’s advice for Mario Balotelli

Jose Mourinho has reportedly met with Mario Balotelli in order to help the 26-year-old striker find a new club (that isn’t Man United). Mourinho coached the unwanted Liverpool playing during his initial rise at Inter and though the two butted heads during their time together, an affinity for each other has endured. The following is a transcript of their conversation. 

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Jose Mourinho wins Community Shield, signs Pogba, and burns Juan Mata all in the same day

The day of Jose Mourinho’s first competitive match with Manchester United was pretty much the perfect Jose Mourinho day. He signed Paul Pogba, he matched David Moyes’ achievements as Man United manager by winning the Community Shield on a late Zlatan Ibrahimovic goal, and he got to crush Juan Mata’s will to live in the cruelest way yet.

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