Tag: Lionel Messi

Sponsored post: Leo Messi sometimes doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom

Disclosure: The content of this post was written by a sponsor that wished not to be named. 

Have you ever watched Leo Messi, a player who owes his legendary career to the unparalleled excellence of FC Barcelona, and thought “I wonder if he washes his hands after he uses the bathroom?” Well, newsflash: sometimes he doesn’t.

Yes, it’s a deeply troubling fact that should make you question his judgment on everything from when he doubts the unassailable brilliance of FC Barcelona President Josep Maria Bartomeu and the club’s breathtakingly handsome board of directors to when he suggests that he may one day turn his back on the fans and play for another club. Of course, he is still a brilliant player and you should buy his latest official FC Barcelona shirt and purchase tickets to watch him from a luxury suite at the Camp Nou, just don’t listen to anything he says or shake his hand after he emerges from the restroom.

That is the primary takeaway here. Well, that and the fact that President Bartomeu once saved a child from having the end of Frozen 2 spoiled for them. Actually, he saved children from that horrible fate on 17 different occasions.

Do you know who wanted to ruin the film for them? Gerard Pique. Why? Like Messi, he has terrible judgment that cannot be trusted. Whenever he opens his mouth to speak, just sing a Shakira song to yourself to drown him out and you’ll be much better off.

Also, Carles Puyol thinks shampoo is “demon syrup.” No one has any idea what that even means.

On another note, Xavi Hernandez talks to grass like it’s people and Pep Guardiola wears clothing made out of cat hair.

Of course, if debonair President Bartomeu, with his endless vision, warmth and generosity, one day bestows positions within the club upon any of those men, it will be a credit to his humble genius and willingness to overlook their shortcomings as imperfect beings — an experience that is entirely foreign to him. He is the closest thing we have to a superhero in real life.

In conclusion, Messi has pee hands; Pique deprives children of joy; President Bartomeu might one day cure all diseases known to mankind if everyone is nice to him; FC Barcelona’s board collectively has a robust, Hugh Jackman-like scent; Carles Puyol believes the devil has corrupted most commercially available haircare products; Xavi thinks blades of grass have opinions on politics; and Pep Guardiola’s wardrobe is basically the world’s largest collection of designer fur balls.

Then end it with something like “I am so smart!” — I mean, “President Bartomeu is so smart!” Yeah, that’s perfect.

Maradona shows Messi what it takes to be a World Cup winner

Maybe if all that tattoo ink wasn’t weighing down your leg you could’ve put it past him, you elfin muppet.

Instead of waiting until the final, Theo Messi shat the bed right from the start in this World Cup by having a penalty saved by a part-time film director from Iceland. How a fucking super market keeps qualifying for these tournaments I will never know (shows just how corrupt FIFA really is)—but that’s besides the point. Argentina couldn’t beat Iceland and it was all Messi’s fault because Nonzalo Higuain was safely on the bench until the 84th minute.

Watching from the stands was another famous Argentine footballer: Maradona. Now, Maradona won back in my day, when footballers knew how to prepare themselves for competition. And by that I mean doing loads of cocaine before before every match.

Though he was too far away for Messi to see, Maradona tried to remind Messi of why he can’t get it done on the game’s biggest stage by rubbing at his nose like it was a sex organ. (Either that, or old Diego is still keeping himself “in shape.”)

If Messi got loaded up on Charlie before World Cup matches, he would’ve won at least a dozen of them trophies by now. Instead, he probably drinks wheat grass extract or something and look what it’s got him: absolutely nothing besides a record-breaking club career. Dandruff, who could very well be the oldest of my 18 kids, once tried to get me to drink something green. I haven’t spoken to him since. That was 12 years ago. Though our lack of communication is mostly down to him getting arrested for stealing cars and filling them with black market puppies shortly after the green drink incident. All my children know that I refuse to communicate with them while they’re incarcerated. I have a hunch it’s why they get locked up so much.

Anyways, Messi’s problems are nothing a little pre-match Maradona marching powder can’t fix. I hear one of the Peruvian lads might have a connection.

There’s going to be a Leo Messi amusement park in China

Like Disney World and LegoLand, but with more tattoos

Leo Messi will become the first footballer with his own amusement park when the Messi Experience Project opens in Nanjing, China. But instead of keeping it to himself like Cartman in that one episode of South Park, he will generously let other people enjoy it, too.

The press release explains:

The MEP project, which is based around an original concept, features the most cutting-edge technology enabling visitors to immerse themselves in all Messi-related activities by combining the latest-generation attractions with areas to play soccer like the pro himself. This is all possible thanks to the very best advances in content and multimedia attractions, all of which come together forming a great natural environment to enjoy the sport.

The MEP will boast over 20 attractions across its 46,000m of indoor facilities, alongside 12.000m2 garden game areas and 25,000m of public space. This project represents a unique global experience, with Messi himself involved via Leo Messi Management, Phoenix Group and Mediapro Group. The complex is set to launch in early 2019.

Specifics on those attractions won’t be made available for a few more weeks, leaving us to guess what they will be.

  • More Than a Rollercoaster (It’s just a rollercoaster, but its operators claim there’s much more to it before you get on.)
  • It’s a Small BarcaWorld (A leisurely boat ride past animatronic versions of Messi and and his many tiny teammates reenacting some of their greatest successes together.)
  • Taxes: The Ride (Fill out all the Spanish tax forms the Messi family tried to ignore for years while locked in a nondescript office for several hours. Don’t mess up, or you’ll have to serve Messi’s prison sentence for him!)
  • Maradona’s Merry-Go-Round (Maradona alternates between praising and berating you as you go ‘round and ‘round!)
  • Mr. Xavi’s Wacky Pitch Game (Make sure the grass is the perfect length and dampness or Mr. Xavi will lecture you on how you are literally killing football!)
  • Punch Gonzalo Higuain in the Face (Test your strength and release your pent up aggression on a Higuain lookalike who has helped Argentina win the same number of trophies as the real Higuain!)
  • Luis Suarez Food Court (Sink your teeth into some delicious treats that may or may not be made from human flesh!)
  • Carlos Tevez’s Tower of Terror (Climb the windy staircase all the way to the top of the tower, where you’ll find Carlos Tevez sitting quietly, then you walk all the way back down!)
  • Arda Turan’s 3D Shoe Dodging Experience (Put on your 3D glasses, sit back, relax, and watch as Arda Turan throws shoes at you for three hours straight!)
  • The Hall of Ambiguous Pique Tweets (Navigate a corridor of mysterious emojis and punctuation from the Real Madrid obsessed mind of Gerard Pique!)
  • Dye Your Own Hair Pavilion (Make regrettable hairstyle choices that you’ll remember forever!)

With this announcement, it’s only a matter of time before Cristiano Ronaldo hastily opens an amusement park of his own on the island of Madeira to go with his airport, hotel, museum, and various statues.

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Leo Messi announces he will be “super angry” if Alves and Higuain win Champions League without him

The duo have helped Juventus to the Champions League final and Messi is not pleased

(Dani Alves/Instagram)

Leo Messi has warned former Barcelona teammate Dani Alves and Argentina teammate Gonzalo Higuain that he will be more angry than he has ever been in his life if they win the Champions League with Juventus.

The Italian club reached the Champions League final by beating Monaco 4–1 on aggregate, thanks to two goals from Higuain in the first leg and a goal and an assist from Alves in the second. Both players joined Juventus this season, Higuain in a €90 million transfer from Napoli and Alves on a free transfer from Barcelona.

“If they win the Champions League, I swear…” Messi told reporters, shaking his head. “I don’t even know what I’ll do. I’ll be super angry. I’ll probably punch a balloon. Maybe two of them.”

Messi’s frustration stems from the fact that Barcelona did not keep Alves, instead freeing him to sign with the club that would eliminate them from the Champions League quarterfinals. His frustration with Higuain, meanwhile, is a result of the striker’s lackluster performances in the three major cup finals Argentina have reached in recent years, losing in all of them.

“I can’t believe Barca were stupid enough to let Dani leave,” Messi continued. “He’s showing how much he brings to a team. I hope the English media write more stories about me joining Man City just to spite Barca for this. For the record, I’m not going to leave, though. All my stuff is here, so I can’t. I mean, I might. But I won’t. And Higuain—he’s just playing well to mess with me. I know it. But what did I ever do to him? Besides that one time I didn’t invite him to my birthday party every year.”

Asked if he will watch the Champions League final, Messi said, “No. I’m just going to sit outside with my leg over my giant dog until it’s over.”

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Lionel Messi bleeds, scores, wins El Clasico

Lionel Messi chooses a good time to score his 500th Barcelona goal

For the second time in four days, Lionel Messi laid on the ground bleeding from his face during the first half of a match. Like Juventus before them, Real Madrid seemed determined to destroy Messi. And an unpunished elbow to the mouth from Marcelo nearly did the trick.

But, as he always does, Messi got up and played on. Fourteen minutes later, he scored his first goal of the day to make it 1–1. After a bit more abuse, and with Barca up 2–1, Sergio Ramos aimed a two-footed lunge at Messi to extend his club record for red cards and reduce Madrid to 10 men in the 77th minute.

Having survived all of this, Messi decided it was time for revenge. So, with considerable help from Sergi Roberto, he crushed the home side’s euphoria from James Rodriguez’s short-handed equalizer in the 85th minute by scoring a winner in the second minute of injury time. Not only did this goal put Barca above Real in the table, it also happened to be Messi’s 500th goal for the Blaugrana. He then celebrated in very un-Messi-like fashion by completely removing his shirt and calmly holding it up to the Bernabeu crowd.

He went from this:

To this:

Of course, he was shown a yellow card for taking off his shirt, but it was totally worth it. Also, with all the blood loss, he probably thought he was at the dry cleaners at that point and the card was his receipt.

Messi bleeds, Neymar cries, and Juventus prove their superiority over Barcelona

It wasn’t quite revenge for the 2015 Champions League final, but it was impressive

After losing the first leg of their Champions League quarterfinal against Juventus 3–0, Barcelona needed to repeat their dramatic comeback against PSG in the previous round. “If we score the first goal, the second will be scored by the Nou Camp and the third will come by itself,” said Barca manager Luis Enrique before the match. “Our objective is to score five goals."

Instead, they scored exactly zero goals. Juventus didn’t score, either, but they didn’t need to. Leo Messi landed on his head during the first half, opening up a cut on his cheek that made it look like he was crying blood, and that summed up his night.

And after the final whistle, Neymar cried actual tears, prompting former teammate Dani Alves to console him.

Maybe Barcelona used up all their magic in the previous round, but this was a performance very unlike them. They had 19 shots, but only one on target in the second leg. They were wasteful in front of goal, which is the one thing you absolutely cannot be when facing the likes of Gigi Buffon, Giorgio Chiellini, and Leonardo Bonucci. But saying that shouldn’t take away from Juve’s performance over the two legs. They jumped out in front by a healthy margin, then prevented themselves from repeating what happened to PSG.

Juve are a formidable side that are definitely capable of lifting the cup at the end of this. That is, of course, if Gonzalo Higuain doesn’t ruin it for them, as he has ruined so many cup finals before. Perhaps Messi would’ve warned them of this had they not dropped him on his head.

Juventus