Tag: Lionel Messi

A translation of Lionel Messi’s letter to FIFA denying that he insulted referee

Messi’s attempt to get his ban overturned


FIFA suspended Lionel Messi four matches for cursing at the referee during Argentina’s 1–0 win against Chile. Though Messi’s words were caught on film, the Argentina captain who retired (then promptly unretired) from international football last year claims he is innocent in a letter he sent to football’s governing body.

https://twitter.com/SivanJohn/status/847284200545832962

The following is a complete translation of that letter.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. FIFA,

My name is Lionel Andres Messi. I am 29 years old. I like to play football. My friends call me Leo. Maybe if you decide to be nice to me, I will let you call me Leo, too.

The reason I am writing to you is because you have banned me from playing football for four matches because you think I said bad words to the referee. This makes me sad.

I swear on my Lego collection that my words were not directed at the referee. I was just talking to the air as I remembered what Gonzalo Higuain has done to prevent Argentina from winning trophies time and time again. I hate him so much. He is the worst.

The video that made it look like I was saying these words to the referee was clearly edited and cannot be used as evidence against me. As the sculptor who created the bust of Cristiano Ronaldo in Madeira proved, reality can be changed when it passes through someone else’s hands. After all, we all know that in real life Cristiano is much uglier than that bust. LOL.

I assure you that this is all just a misunderstanding. I’m sorry if the referee felt I was insulting him, but I refuse to apologize to Gonzalo Higuain. Again, he is the absolute worst and I hate him with every fiber of my being. Please ban him from football forever. He deserves it.

I hope that my severe indentations on this letter demonstrate my honesty to you or at least confuse you enough to overturn my ban just so you don’t have to read similarly indented letters in the future.

To recap: I did not insult the referee, Gonzalo Higuain is the worst and deserves to be banned forever, there is still a chance I will let you call me Leo, and taxes should be abolished.

Please overturn my ban and let me continue to play until I decide to retire again. That’s all I have to say. Oh, two more things: 1) I’m pretty sure I heard Alexis Sanchez say the same words about Arsene Wenger in the tunnel at halftime. 2) My dog is very large and doesn’t like it when people are mean to me. Just throwing that out there.

Thank you for your consideration. I hope that we can all be friends and maybe go bowling at some point in the future.

Hugs,

Lionel Messi


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Messi brand cocaine explains so much

Could Leo Messi’s physical transformation have something to do with all the coke branded with his name?


Peruvian police seized 1,417 kilos of cocaine worth $85 million on the street, much of which was decorated with Leo Messi’s name and likeness.

From ESPNFC:

“Most of the 1,288 packages of drugs were camouflaged as squid filets and had a label that said ‘Messi’ along with a picture of the Argentina player Lionel Messi wearing the shirt of the Spanish club Barcelona,” the news release said.

But this wasn’t the first time Messi cocaine has been seized by law enforcement. It happened in October of last year…

And in August…

So what’s going on here? Is this Messi’s plan to get on Maradona’s good side? Whatever the motivation, Messi becoming a drug kingpin would explain the transformation he has undergone in recent months.

It wasn’t that long ago that Leo looked like he was perpetually 12 years old.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BBztE3WPM-X/?hl=en

Then he bleached his hair, grew a beard, covered himself in tattoos, got a giant attack dog and started evading taxes.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BI0TZZ0DsDm/?hl=en

It was a drastic change for someone who was once so understated. But if you’re going to move large quantities of coke, you’ve gotta look the part in order to keep rivals in check. Suddenly everything makes sense.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLQp-dmjmwH/?hl=en


Leo Messi and Mesut Özil have no regrets over the timing of their trip to Disney World

The two stars missed the disastrous first legs of their teams’ Champions League round of 16 ties


Lionel Messi and Mesut Özil missed their teams’ Champions League matches this week due to an unfortunately timed trip to Disney World together. And while they were enjoying themselves at the Magic Kingdom, Barcelona lost 4–0 to PSG and Arsenal lost 5–1 to Bayern Munich.

Fans and journalists alike were quick to point out the absence of both players from the start of the Champions League knockout stage, which Messi and Özil say is the result of a scheduling mishap.

“We thought the Champions League resumed next week,” Özil said upon returning from Florida. “Leo and I both wanted to visit Disney World, so we decided to go together in the middle of the week when we thought there were no matches. We were on Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin when a child recognized us and asked why we weren’t playing in the Champions League. That’s when we realized our mistake. But what were we going to do at that point? Not go see the Country Bear Jamboree? That would’ve been wrong.”

Barcelona’s stunning defeat to PSG in the first leg of their round of 16 tie means they are likely to miss out on the quarterfinals for the first time in a decade. Arsenal, meanwhile, have gone out at this stage in each of the last six years.

Both players could have helped their respective clubs had they been present for these matches. In fact, their managers were so confident they would be there that they were both named to their sides’ starting XIs. Despite a few claims from eyewitnesses that they were, in fact, present and just put in completely ineffectual performances, their picture from Splash Mountain tells a different story.

“The problems our teams suffered in these matches were bigger than one player,” said Messi, wearing a Beauty and the Beast T-shirt. “It’s unfortunate that it worked out this way, but we have no regrets and shouldn’t be blamed for what happened. There is still a second leg to play and if Tinkerbell can be revived through belief alone, then so can our clubs. Of course, she didn’t have to make up a four-goal deficit, so maybe that’s not the best comparison to make.”

When asked if they could assure their clubs that they would play in the return legs, Özil said: “Yes, of course we will play. Unless they conflict with our trip to Legoland.”


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Real Madrid demand that Lionel Messi be banned from taking free kicks

Messi’s free kick success sparks accusations of wrongdoing

(FC Barcelona)

Real Madrid have formally requested that Lionel Messi be restricted from taking free kicks for Barcelona after scoring with them in three consecutive matches to start 2017.

The leaders of La Liga sent a letter to the Spanish football federation insisting that the Barcelona star must be investigated for his “suspicious” level of success since the beginning of the new year.

In the letter, Real Madrid write, “Our own free kick expert, Cristiano Ronaldo, assures us that scoring free kicks in three consecutive months is not physically possible, let alone three consecutive matches. Therefore, Lionel Messi must be utilizing some sort of illegal technology or wizard magic to achieve these dubious results.”

A Messi free kick produced Barcelona’s only goal in the first leg of their Copa del Rey tie with Athletic Bilbao upon returning from the winter break. Three days later, his free kick equalized in the 90th minute against Villarreal. And three days after that, another late free kick gave Barcelona the goal they needed to beat Athletic 4–3 on aggregate.

Real Madrid’s letter concludes by proposing Messi be prevented from taking free kicks in official matches until his boots can be inspected by experts and his whereabouts during the winter break can be accounted for, so as to ensure that he did not visit with any practitioners of the dark arts. It also suggests that Messi’s tax fraud could have been a means to cover up whatever is behind his free kick mastery.

Barcelona have vigorously denied any wrongdoing from Messi and insist he is simply from another planet.


https://upscri.be/16bb19

Lionel Messi saves the day, volume 437

A 90th-minute free kick with a chance to equalize? You know how this ends

(FC Barcelona/Twitter)

When someone is in mortal danger in the city of Metropolis, you know that Superman is going to swoop down and save them. There is no question that this will happen, but the reliable inevitability of Superman saving the day makes the act of it enjoyable, even in the absence of surprise.

Lionel Messi lining up a free kick in the 90th minute, with Barcelona down 1–0 to Villarreal, is the real world equivalent to this. You know he’s going to score and when he casually fires a perfect laser beam into the top corner there is no surprise, but the inevitability of it is what makes it so incredible.

https://streamable.com/b4geo

This is how life works for fictional characters, not real humans.

Basically, what I’m saying is that Messi should be required to wear a cape when he plays.


Upon meeting his idol, boy with the homemade Messi shirt can’t stop hugging Lionel Messi

And who can blame him?


Way back at the beginning of the year—before we knew that 2016 would be a never-ending funeral march for everyone the world has ever loved—a picture of a young boy wearing a plastic bag fashioned into a makeshift Leo Messi shirt swept through the internet. Social media users united in an effort to identify the boy with the genuine hope of getting a real Messi shirt to him.

(Hamayon Ahmadi/Facebook)

In February, this campaign succeeded and the boy was identified as then five-year-old Murtaza Ahmadi from Afghanistan, bringing to light a series of events so adorable that they will turn you into a puddle of warm goo by the end of this post.

From CNN:

“When he suddenly wakes up in the middle of the night, he starts crying that he wants to go to Messi,” his father, Arif Ahmadi, told CNN from the family’s farm in Jaghori, south-west of Kabul.

Murtaza then started asking his father for a Messi jersey, Ahmadi said.

“I told him that we were living in a poor village far from the city and it was impossible for me to get him the shirt.”

“He kept crying for days asking for the shirt until his brother Hamayon helped him make one from the plastic bag to make him happy.”

UNICEF and Leo Messi ensured that Murtaza’s dream came true by getting an autographed (real) shirt to him, and Murtaza’s response was a perfect and heartwarming cap on a story that seemed to have reached its ideal conclusion.

But this wasn’t the end. Barcelona traveled to Doha, Qatar to play a friendly against Al-Ahly this week and arrangements were made to get Murtaza, now six, and his family to the match so he could meet his hero in person.

Now, if there were any conspiracy theorists who questioned Murtaza’s love of Messi and cynically thought this kid’s parents concocted a plot to get the internet to deliver them a free autographed Messi shirt that they could hawk on eBay, they were shut down when Murtaza proved his devotion by hugging Messi every chance he got.

In the tunnel, during pre-match handshakes—the referee had to pick him up and carry him off the pitch because he wouldn’t let go of Messi, smiling the smile of pure, all consuming joy every step of the way.

Few people have loved anything as much as Murtaza loves Leo Messi and to see him get the chance to express this love is a gift to us all.

And now you are goo.


https://upscri.be/16bb19

Cristiano Ronaldo notifies Lionel Messi of the 2016 Ballon d’Or results

An important news alert from the desk of Cristiano

(Real Madrid)

Dear Leo,

How are you? (Please do not feel required to write back answering this question.) I am excellent. As you know, the awarding of the Ballon d’Or was different this year. There was no gala for us to attend together. You in your tiny doll suits made out of discount children’s bedding and me looking perfect.

In a way, I am saddened that we didn’t get to have this time together, but in another, far more real way, I am so happy that we didn’t. But enough small talk—the reason I’m writing to you is to inform you of the winner of the 2016 Ballon d’Or. No need to thank me for this service. It is 100% my pleasure. I assure you.

Here’s a hint: The winner of the 2016 Ballon d’Or is the greatest footballer of his generation. His hair this year didn’t look like it was styled by someone who was kicked out of cosmetology school for crimes against humanity. He didn’t “retire” from international football and then come back like a 15-year-old who angrily shut off his Playstation while losing an online match and then tried to pretend that their power went out. And he isn’t you.

That’s right, Leo. As you probably haven’t guessed by now, the winner of the 2016 Ballon d’Or is me. Cristiano “SIIIIII” Ronaldo. The winner of the Champions League, the only footballer with his own line of blankets, the winner of the Best Player in Europe Award, the sufferer of a rare shirt allergy, and the man who finally won a trophy for Portugal simply by shouting at his non-injured teammates.

It has been a truly wonderful year for me and a truly terrible one for you, which makes it an even better year for me. But in addition to being the best footballer, I am also very generous, Leo. And so, to lift your spirits as your inferiority to me becomes known to the world, I am including with this letter a lifetime pass to the Cristiano Ronaldo Museum. So please bring your family (they will have to pay full price, though) and let my achievements inspire you to be slightly less embarrassing.

At this point, I’m sure you are overcome with emotion as you process yet another loss this year mixed with the joy of being able to visit my museum whenever you like instead of tattooing parts of your body to look like a printer test page. So I will conclude by saying that I will not stop winning Ballon d’Or awards until I have one for every abdominal muscle on my body. Yes, that means 15 of them.

Supremely,

Cristiano Ronaldo 
Gonzalo Higuain’s №1 Fan


International football isn’t worth the heartache for Lionel Messi

It’s time for Messi to move on—once and for all

(Twitter/MessiWorld)

At this point in time it has become abundantly clear that the sole purpose of Argentina’s national team is to make Lionel Messi’s life a living hell. There is no other possible explanation for the Mr. Hyde cup final performances of Gonzalo Higuain and how a team packed with so much talent can so often look like a group of tourists waiting for the Messi train to carry them to the casino buffet.

The latest indignity for Albiceleste Messi is a 3–0 loss to Brazil that leaves Argentina sitting sixth in CONMEBOL World Cup qualifying, with three losses after 11 matches and needing to climb the table in order to make it to Russia 2018.

After the match, Messi said (via FIFA.com):

“We didn’t expect this result,” rued Messi. “They were really tough opponents, but we expected a little more from ourselves. I think that, until the first goal, it was very balanced, but after the second they killed the game off. At 1–0 we were fine, it was even, but we didn’t know how to react [to that second goal].

“Now it’s a lot more complicated. We have to think about Colombia knowing that we have to improve greatly. We can’t afford to have one more match playing like we’ve been playing, because we won’t get out of this situation in this way.”

Perhaps this is a cosmic counterbalance to the fairytale existence he enjoys in Barcelona (tax issues aside), where he’s won everything possible several times over while surrounded by players who have done their share to accomplish this. But you have to wonder if Messi is starting to regret ending his 46-day international retirement after losing a third major cup final in as many years over the summer for a resumption of this anguish.

Of course, finally winning the World Cup for his country in 2018 would more than make up for all the pain he’s endured throughout his international career, but the team is struggling to even qualify for the tournament. And if they do qualify, they’ll probably make it all the way to final only to squander it late again, driving their captain over the brink of irreversible madness and prompting him to begin a new life as a Legoland ride operator named Tobias Jensen.

Messi doesn’t need this. He could be doing enjoyable things during international breaks—like spending time with his family, experimenting with his hair color, or tattooing and re-tattooing his left leg.

Instead, he had to endure a loss to Brazil in which Barcelona teammate Neymar became the youngest South American to score 50 international goals (Messi has 56 with 40 more caps). Well, enough is enough.

Messi should call it a day, maybe do a Didier Drogba and build a few hospitals in Argentina so his countrymen can’t say he never did anything for them, and focus solely on more rewarding past-times like thoroughly annoying Cristiano Ronaldo at the club level for the remainder of his playing career. It’s time.

That said, if he were to follow this advice, Argentina would almost certainly go on to win every trophy available to them over the next 10 years behind the steady leadership and timely finishing of Gonzalo Higuain in his absence, because life is cruel. Even to Lionel Messi.

Barcelona accepting applications to donate a healthy groin to Lionel Messi

The groin injury that forced Lionel Messi out of Barcelona’s 1-1 draw with Atletico Madrid in the 59th minute will keep him out of action for three weeks. “To lose Messi means that football loses,” said Barca manager Luis Enrique after the match. And with that in mind, the club announced they will accept applications from anyone interested in donating a healthy groin to Messi so he can return to the pitch as soon as possible.

“If you think you have a groin that is a match for Lionel, please notify us as soon as possible,” club president Josep Maria Bartomeu announced. “And if Messi is able to use your groin, we will reward you with an autographed picture and a special shirt that says ‘Messi has my groin.'”

Though many of Messi’s legion of fans are likely eager to donate a piece of themselves to help their hero, Barcelona have already developed a “plan D” in case a suitable volunteer does not come forward.

“Worst case scenario, we recall Douglas from his loan and take his groin,” Bartomeu added. “He’s gotten to celebrate eight trophies while only making eight appearances for the club. It’s time he gives something back. Whether he likes it or not.”