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Tag: Liverpool
A new Toothbrush Guy emerges at Liverpool-Hoffenheim match
A legend of the game finally has a successor.
DT Exclusive: Jurgen Klopp’s secret messages to Virgil van Dijk
The texts that prompted an investigation into Liverpool’s conduct
Liverpool have been forced to apologize and end their pursuit of top transfer target Virgil van Dijk after Southampton filed a complaint accusing them of tapping up their captain. According to the Telegraph, Van Dijk was flown to Blackpool for a meeting with Klopp, who later sent “regular messages” to the player. The following is a transcript of some of those messages.
Klopp (2:47 am): Virgil…u up?
Klopp (3:35 am): U up Virgil??
Klopp (4:19 am): Guess not 🙁
Van Dijk (7:32 am): Sorry i was sleepin lol.
Klopp (7:33 am): LOL! Just wanted to say goodnight but now i’ll say good morning :p
Van Dijk (7:48 am): Good morning!
Klopp (7:49 am): It is now 🙂
Klopp (6:51 pm): Virgil, what’s ur snapchat?
Klopp (6:52 pm): U have to see this photo of me with the rabbit ears filter!
Klopp (6:53 pm): U have to see it.
Klopp (6:54 pm): Virgil…
Klopp (6:55 pm): Tell me where u are and I’ll just come show u in person.
Klopp: (6:56 pm): Virgil…
Klopp (10:07 am): Have u ever seen the film The Cable Guy???
Van Dijk (10:33 am): Don’t think so.
Klopp (10:34 am): Oh man! It’s so good! Jim Carrey and Ferris Bueller play best friends who would do anything for each other. It reminds me of u and me 😀
Van Dijk (11:10 am): Cool
Klopp (11:11 am): It’s very cool! I have the DVD. I would be happy to lend it to u so u can watch it. But I only lend DVDs to my players 😉
Van Dijk (11:58 am): Ok.
Klopp (11:59 am): 😉
Klopp (1:44 am): Virgil, I really want to see u again. When can we meet?
Van Dijk (8:39 am): Jurgen, this is Southampton chairman Ralph Krueger. Your contact with Virgil has been wholly inappropriate. We’re reporting you to the league.
Klopp (8:42 am): 🙁
Klopp (3:08 am): Virgil, u up?
Klopp (3:12 am): I’m watching The Cable Guy. Made me think of u…
Klopp (3:17 am): Miss u
Klopp (4:45 am): Whatever. I don’t need u. Dejan Lovren is soooo much better than u!
Klopp (4:55 am): Virgil I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. I know u can’t come to Liverpool now but maybe I’ll come to Southampton! I’ll talk to my agent! Are there any houses in your neighborhood for sale? Let me know!
Coutinho agrees to give Liverpool five more years of unfulfilled hope
Club eager to continue perpetual trend of dreams followed by disappointment
Philippe Coutinho has agreed to a five-year contract extension with Liverpool, reportedly making him the club’s highest paid player and fueling hopes of future successes that will inevitably be squashed.
“I am very happy to sign a new contract here,” said the 24-year-old Brazilian. “Everyone here always believes it will be the year that we do big things and when we don’t, they just say the same thing about the next year. It’s a wonderful atmosphere.”
“I could go to another club where they win more trophies, but those clubs always have people who doubt you when things go wrong. At Liverpool, everyone always believes in the team, even when they really shouldn’t. I appreciate how rare that is.”
To further prove their intent to maintain the status quo of disappointment, Liverpool were eliminated by Southampton in the EFL Cup semifinal hours after announcing Coutinho’s new deal—marking the first time Jurgen Klopp has lost a semifinal in his managerial career.
“With Coutinho staying put, I’m certain that we can not win many titles that we probably should for years to come,” said Klopp, while doing something endearing that distracts from his less than stellar record.
When reached for comment, former Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers, who first brought Coutinho to the club, said, “They hand out winner’s medals like candy in Scotland. It’s outstanding!”
Southampton teach Liverpool a lesson about social media karma
The Saints get retribution for Liverpool’s Twitter flippancy
In the lead up to the first leg of their EFL Cup semifinal against Southampton, Liverpool Tweeted a bit of promotional artwork. Take a look:
At first glance, it appears to be nothing more than a nice change of pace to the usual stream of promotional images, but upon closer inspection, a couple of things stand out. One, every Liverpool player represented is someone the club cherrypicked from Southampton. And two, “Southhampton” is spelled wrong. This combines the intentional and unintentional for a double whammy of disrespect.
Liverpool subsequently tweeted a corrected version of the image with the spelling mistake fixed, but the same group of players shown, demonstrating that they do want to get their opponents’ name right when they’re bantering at them.
But Southampton went on to prove to Liverpool that they don’t need the players they’ve lost by beating them 1–0 in the match. And it was a goal from Nathan Redmond that did in the Reds.
Of course, there’s still a second leg to play in order to decide who will face Man United or Hull City in the final and to ensure that doesn’t go wrong, Liverpool might want to sacrifice their remaining stock of Rickie Lambert shirts or something.
Artur Boruc’s rageful recap of Bournemouth’s incredible comeback against Liverpool
A passionate perspective on an emotional 4–3 win
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN OUR WIN OVER LIVERPOOL IN DESCENDING ORDER OF HOW ANGRY THEY MADE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. I CONCEDED TWO GOALS IN A SPAN OF TWO MINUTES—THIS WAS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONCEDING ONE GOAL IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME WANT TO JUMP INTO A CANOE FULL OF ANAL BLEACH BUT TO THEN CONCEDE ANOTHER SO SOON BECAUSE I COULDN’T REMEMBER IF I ACTUALLY BURIED LANDMINES IN THE GOALMOUTH OR IF THAT WAS JUST AN EXCEPTIONALLY REALISTIC DREAM I HAD!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MAYBE I DID BURY LANDMINES AND I JUST GOT RIPPED OFF BY MY LANDMINE GUY!!!!!!!! TO BE HONEST THAT MAKES ME EVEN MORE ANGRY THAN CONCEDING TWO GOALS IN TWO MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. CONCEDING A THIRD GOAL IN THE 64TH MINUTE—WE HAD JUST STARTED OUR COMEBACK WHEN EMRE CAN FIRED A LASERBALL INTO THE TOP CORNER LIKE SOME KIND OF HUMAN LASERBALL CANNON WHICH IS A THING THAT DOES NOT EXIST AND NEITHER SHOULD THAT GOAL!!!!!!!!!!! HUMANS CANNOT BE LASERBALL CANNONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS A RULE OF THE GALAXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL SEE YOU IN SPACE JAIL EMRE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!
3. JURGEN KLOPP: SECRET AGENT OF THE CORN CONSPIRACY—THE KERNELED MENACE HAS WRAPPED ITS DASTARDLY STALKS AROUND MANY OF THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL FIGURES AND JURGEN KLOPP IS NO EXCEPTION!!!!!!!!! THE MAN IS CLEARLY IN THE THROES OF CORN HYSTERIA AND HE IS A DANGER TO EVERYONE AROUND HIM!!!!!!!!!!! JUST LOOK AT THE WAY HE GESTICULATES ON THE TOUCHLINE AND HUGS HIS PLAYERS AS IF HE’S TRYING TO POP THEM OUT OF REVENGE FOR ALL THE CORN MANKIND HAS POPPED OVER THE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!! WE MUST BE VIGILANT TO STOP THE CORN FROM DROWNING US IN BUTTER AND TAKING CONTROL OF THE PLANET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
https://whatahowler.com/artur-boruc-is-workout-dancing-and-you-cant-handle-it-e3b731f6014e
4. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI—MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI HAS BEEN PESTERING ME TO GET MATCH TICKETS FOR HIM AND HIS GOOBER KIDS ALL SEASON AND THIS WAS THE DAY I FINALLY DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! THE ENTIRE TIME THEY KEPT SHOUTING “WE BELIEVE IN YOU ARTUR” AND “YOU’LL SAVE THE NEXT ONE ARTUR” EVEN THOUGH I HAVE REPEATEDLY TOLD THEM THAT I DO NOT RESPOND WELL TO POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS INCREDIBLY RUDE!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NEXT TIME THEY ASK ME FOR TICKETS I’M GOING TO SAY I DONATED THEM ALL TO A YOUTH CHARITY EXCEPT I’M GOING TO SAY IT IN A WAY SO THEY KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER DRINK DIET PAINT THINNER THAN SEE THEIR GOOBER FACES AT VITALITY STADIUM EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!! THEY WERE ALL CHEWING THEIR FOOD WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN!!!!!!!! IT WAS SO DISTRACTING!!!!!!!! WHO CHEWS A HOT DOG 437 TIMES?!?!?!?!?!
5. ROBERTO FIRMINO’S HAIR—IT LOOKS LIKE A SCALP ERECTION AND IT’S NOT APPROPRIATE TO HAVE THAT THING BOUNCE AROUND THE PITCH AS IF IT WAS WASHED WITH VIAGRA SHAMPOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOOTBALL IS A FAMILY SPORT!!!!!!!!!! IT IS A PLATFORM FOR UNSPEAKABLE VIOLENCE AND HATE FILLED COMPETITION NOT LEWD HAIRDOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW ARE THERE NOT LAWS AGAINST PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF HAIR PENISES?!?!?!?!?!!
6. GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY—THIS IS THE START OF THE THINGS THAT MADE ME HAPPY ANGRY AND NOT EMBARRASSED GRIZZLY BEAR ANGRY!!!!!!!! GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY IS THE GREATEST INVENTION SINCE THE TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT T-SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. RYAN FRASER AND STEVE COOK SCORING TWICE IN TWO MINUTES—WHEN MY TEAMMATES DID THIS TO MAKE IT 3–3 LATE IN THE GAME I REALIZED THAT THIS MUST HAVE BEEN HOW LIVERPOOL FELT WHEN THEY DID THE SAME THING IN THE FIRST HALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS BROUGHT ON A CONFUSING MIX OF EMOTIONS THAT I DID NOT APPRECIATE!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I HATE SEEING THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE’S PERSPECTIVES AND FEELING A CONNECTION WITH ALL OF HUMANITY THAT SUPERSEDES OUR ARTIFICIAL DIVISIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. NATHAN AKE’S 93RD MINUTE WINNER—THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR THE RUSH OF JUBILATION THIS GOAL MADE ME FEEL!!!!!!!! NOT EVEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CELEBRATING WITH AN OPEN MOUTH FULL OF HALF CHEWED HOT DOG COULD RUIN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THAT JURGEN KLOPP!!!!!! TAKE THAT CORN!!!!!! TAKE THAT ROBERTO FIRMINO’S THROBBING HAIR PENIS!!!!!!!!! YOU WERE DEFEATED BY THE POWER OF BOURNEMOUTH AND THE ALL KNOWING GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY ROBOT THAT PRESUMABLY FEEDS ON LABRADOODLE PUPPIES IN ITS SPARE TIME!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!
Jurgen Klopp would appreciate it if you didn’t freak out about Ben Woodburn
The Liverpool manager throws cold water on the club’s newest darling
Seventeen-year-old Ben Woodburn became Liverpool’s youngest scorer ever when he sealed their 2–0 win over Leeds in the EFL Cup. The Cheshire-born Wales U-19 striker is providing the club with a jolt of excitement, especially with their tiny Atlas, Coutinho, out injured. This is only natural when a kid who hadn’t even been born when Steven Gerrard made his Liverpool debut breaks a record previously held by Michael Owen. But Jurgen Klopp is determined to nip that shit in the bud.
After the match, Klopp told the press (via ESPN FC):
“In this case, Ben Woodburn. There’s a lot of things to do, especially to keep the public away as long as possible. That’s quite a difficult thing to do. But on the other hand, we only bring him in because we want to use him. So that means when he’s on the pitch he’s absolutely allowed to score goals, to prepare situations, to make crosses — how Trent [Alexander-Arnold] did, for example.
“So, all good. I’m really happy for him. The only problem is I’m a little bit afraid about you [the media]. That why I’m so quiet on this. Think and do what you want, but don’t write anything — only ‘Goalscorer, Ben Woodburn.’ Done. Quite a challenge!”
And to make sure young Ben, who thinks the line “party like it’s 1999” means “party like it’s the year you were born,” doesn’t get a big head about his one career goal, Klopp made sure he knows that it wasn’t exactly a worldie.
“I don’t think it makes sense that I say the obvious things. So first of all, I said ‘Well done, but it was not too difficult! I would have scored too if I would have been in the situation!’ That’s maybe the truth. All good.”
This type of attitude might make fans of Christian Pulisic, another talented teenager, hope Liverpool do end up signing him. Or it might make them hope they don’t so Klopp can’t disparage every goal he scores and give him a complex about only attempting overhead kicks or something.
Anyway, Woodburn wasn’t the only Liverpool child making everyone feel old. The 18-year-old Trent Alexander-Arnold had an assist on the night, which is impressive considering he was a mascot for Liverpool the last time they played Leeds in 2009.
At this rate, in seven more years he’ll be president of the club.
The many facial expressions of Chelsea v Liverpool
Anytime you get Antonio Conte and Jurgen Klopp in the same building, you know there’s going to be a lot of facial contortions. Add in the fact that Liverpool dealt Chelsea their first loss under their new manager and you’ve got a recipe for some over the top face drama.
DT Exclusive: Jose Mourinho’s advice for Mario Balotelli
Jose Mourinho has reportedly met with Mario Balotelli in order to help the 26-year-old striker find a new club (that isn’t Man United). Mourinho coached the unwanted Liverpool playing during his initial rise at Inter and though the two butted heads during their time together, an affinity for each other has endured. The following is a transcript of their conversation.
Jurgen Klopp regrets giving piggyback rides after Liverpool’s fourth goal against Arsenal
Liverpool came back from 1-0 down to take a 4-1 lead over Arsenal in the 63rd minute of their Premier League opener. As the goals piled up, the excitable Jurgen Klopp couldn’t resist getting in on the celebrations, with Sadio Mané even jumping on his back for a ride after scoring the fourth. The party quickly got out of hand, however, as Arsenal scored twice to make it 4-3 and give Liverpool a scare until the final whistle.
With the benefit of hindsight and reduced adrenaline levels, Klopp realized that he might have overdone it.