Louis van Gaal left his press conference ahead of Manchester United’s Boxing Day match against Stoke City in a huff less than five minutes after sitting down to field questions. He opened by asking if any members of the press wanted to apologize to him after days of intensified speculation that he will be sacked any second now.
Tag: Louis van Gaal
Future News: Sick children make charitable visit Louis van Gaal’s house
Patients from Royal Manchester Children’s Hospital paid a special visit to the home of struggling Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal to spread some much needed holiday cheer. The children were delighted to help raise the spirits of someone less fortunate than them during Christmas period.
Louis van Gaal’s suggested expectations for Manchester United fans
Between getting dumped from the Champions League to the Europa League and losing to Bournemouth, Louis van Gaal warned Manchester United fans that it was time to recalibrate their expectations and that the club’s days of dominating the Premier League are over.
From the Guardian:
“They say a club like Manchester United has to win,” the manager said. “That’s the past. You have to analyse the club now. Now we have much more clubs who have money … also the structure and are able to win something.”
So what exactly should Man United supporters expect? Here are some examples that should help keep them from being disappointed:
-Losing to newly promoted clubs that would spontaneously combust if they even looked at Man United’s wage bill.
-Settling into a continental competition that features the likes of the club that finished seventh in the Swiss Super League last season.
-A healthy assortment of sideways passes mixed in with the usual backpasses.
-Crying an average of one to two times per week.
-An endless string of managers who are not Sir Alex Ferguson.
-Consistently losing to lower division clubs in the Capital One Cup.
-Twinges of regret over the treatment of David Moyes.
-Wayne Rooney playing like he chugged a gallon of milk just before kickoff.
-Being linked to the likes of Neymar, Cristiano Ronaldo, and Gareth Bale but signing the crippled ghost of Bastian Schweinsteiger.
-Watching Chicharito gleefully score goal after goal for someone else.
-A strong urge to devote Saturdays to new hobbies and interests, like sitting alone in a dark room.
-Feeling that a once strong sense of superiority is nothing but a distant memory.
-Being able to relate to supporters of every other club in the world.
Louis van Gaal called Chris Smalling “Michael” again
Back in July, Louis van Gaal called Chris Smalling “Mike” during a press conference. With Smalling sitting right next to him. The name stuck for Smalling, who happened to speak about it a few weeks ago.
From the Guardian:
“The players don’t call me Mike, but a lot of the fans do,” Smalling said with a smile after United’s 0-0 draw with Manchester City last month.
“Even if you go to Russia or wherever, it’s ‘Mike! Mike! Mike!’
“It’s going to stick with me forever, that one.”
Well, Van Gaal has only gone and done it again, this time after Man United’s 1-0 win over CSKA Moscow in the Champions. But this time, he’s gone for the more formal “Michael.”
“David De Gea saved us,” Van Gaal said, getting his goalkeeper’s name right. “And after that, Michael Smalling saved us.”
At this point, Smalling should probably just change his name. It’s the only way now.
Manuel Pellegrini and Brendan Rodgers are losing their minds
We’re only seven matches into the Premier League season and Premier League managers are already going insane. Jose Mourinho’s struggles in this area have been well documented here, but he’s not the only one.
After losing 4-1 to Spurs and conceding first place to Man United, Man City manager Manuel Pellegrini got so worked up that he couldn’t even properly execute a press conference storm-out.
Louis van Gaal instills a hint of menace to David De Gea contract announcement
David De Gea signed a new four-year contract with Manchester United that he almost certainly will not come close to seeing out with them. To mark the occasion, he posed for a few photos with Louis van Gaal. Who, as per usual, made it weird.
Marouane Fellaini is a striker now because the transfer market is cruel
In July, Louis van Gaal teased the arrival of a “surprise” mystery striker who might not even be a striker. For a solid month, fans and pundits have tried to figure out the answer to this transfer window riddle to no avail. But now, Van Gaal has finally revealed that the surprise was the fact that the non-striker mystery striker has been on the team all along and that he is midfielder Marouane Fellaini.
Louis van Gaal has set the bar really low for Wayne Rooney
Wayne Rooney has gotten off to a horrid start to the season, failing to score in Man United’s first three matches and even struggling to get a shot on target. He was virtually invisible during the club’s 3-1 Champions League playoff win against Brugge and was substituted in the 84th minute for Marouane Fellaini, who scored in added time.
After the match, Louis van Gaal gave his assessment of his captain (via ESPN FC):
“He had a shot on target, so I’m happy.”
“He managed to eat all his vegetables at dinner, so I’m happy.”
“He put his shirt on the correct way, so I’m happy.”
“He remembered to flush the dressing room toilet after using it, so I’m happy.”
“He didn’t choke on his own saliva, so I’m happy.”
“He didn’t cause a tear in the space-time continuum, dumping us all into an alternate 2015, so I’m happy.”
If this is all it takes for the club’s star striker to satisfy Van Gaal, then why didn’t they keep Falcao?
Louis van Gaal calls Chris Smalling “Mike” while sitting right next to him
Calling one of their own players the wrong name is embarrassing enough, but when they’re sitting right next to you when you do it and have to correct you in front of a room full of reporters, it becomes far, far worse. That’s what happened to Louis van Gaal, when he called Chris Smalling “Mike Smalling,” leaving Chris/Mike to correct him.
Louis van Gaal and Victor Valdes are arguing about reserve matches
Emboldened by Manchester United’s effective new “SIGN EVERYONE!” policy, Louis van Gaal kicked off the club’s U.S. tour by announcing that goalkeeper Victor Valdes is on his way out for daring to defy The Philosophy™.