Tweeting is never a good idea and it turns out this is even true if you’re the police. Both the Greater Manchester and Merseyside police departments demonstrated this over the weekend with their now deleted attempts at football related banter.
Following another lackluster performance from Wayne Rooney in Manchester United’s 0-0 draw with Crystal Palace, the weekend tweeter on one of the Greater Manchester Police’s accounts (“DS Dave”) decided to put out a missing persons alert on him…
Manchester United captain Wayne Rooney has regularly seemed nonexistent this season. He was a ghost in last weekend’s Manchester derby and again in Man United’s Capital One Cup loss to Middlesbrough, in which he was even credited with a missed a penalty. Given this, there exists a very real possibility that he has already retired from the game, having recently turned 30, and simply didn’t inform anyone of his departure, leaving Man United to continue selecting him without him actually showing up.
So let’s examine the evidence…
Manchester United have heeded the calls of supporters and granted Wayne Rooney a testimonial, which has been scheduled for August 3 of next year. The club award testimonials to players who have served for at least a decade, so Rooney’s 11 years puts him in that category, but they usually come before a player leaves the club or retires. Given Rooney’s much discussed poor form of late, that makes the timing of this announcement a bit interesting.
A clash of heads with Vincent Kompany left Wayne Rooney with a busted hair plug and a river of blood flowing from his head. So to patch up the damage, Man United’s physio had to break out the staple gun. This was the only borderline interesting thing that happened in this match.
So horrible this happening to any player. Feel so bad for Luke Shaw, he was playing so well. pic.twitter.com/MkkWCyWXoK
— ️ (@Routinho_) September 15, 2015
Early in the first half of Manchester United’s Champions League group-stage opener at PSV, Luke Shaw suffered a sickening leg injury (later confirmed to be a double fracture) resulting from a dangerous challenge by Hector Moreno.
It took a while to get going, but by the end of Manchester United’s 3-1 win against Liverpool, it felt like we all owed someone some money after watching two spectacular goals in a two-minute span.
David De Gea signed a new four-year contract with Manchester United that he almost certainly will not come close to seeing out with them. To mark the occasion, he posed for a few photos with Louis van Gaal. Who, as per usual, made it weird.
In July, Louis van Gaal teased the arrival of a “surprise” mystery striker who might not even be a striker. For a solid month, fans and pundits have tried to figure out the answer to this transfer window riddle to no avail. But now, Van Gaal has finally revealed that the surprise was the fact that the non-striker mystery striker has been on the team all along and that he is midfielder Marouane Fellaini.
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Wayne Rooney has gotten off to a horrid start to the season, failing to score in Man United’s first three matches and even struggling to get a shot on target. He was virtually invisible during the club’s 3-1 Champions League playoff win against Brugge and was substituted in the 84th minute for Marouane Fellaini, who scored in added time.
After the match, Louis van Gaal gave his assessment of his captain (via ESPN FC):
“He had a shot on target, so I’m happy.”
“He managed to eat all his vegetables at dinner, so I’m happy.”
“He put his shirt on the correct way, so I’m happy.”
“He remembered to flush the dressing room toilet after using it, so I’m happy.”
“He didn’t choke on his own saliva, so I’m happy.”
“He didn’t cause a tear in the space-time continuum, dumping us all into an alternate 2015, so I’m happy.”
If this is all it takes for the club’s star striker to satisfy Van Gaal, then why didn’t they keep Falcao?