After 11 years with Manchester United, Michael Carrick was given a testimonial on Sunday that reunited him with many of his teammates from the 2008 Champions League winning side. Just because he was the man of the day doesn’t mean Carrick was treated all that special, though. First off, his last name was spelled “Carrtick” on the teamsheet, even though it was spelled correctly at the top of the page and for his brother Graeme, who was listed among the substitutes. (As Jack Grimse points out, Clarence Seedorf’s name was also misspelled.)
Teamsheet from Michael Carrtick's testimonial…
And as if that wasn’t bad enough, Carrick’s own son, seven-year-old Jacey, nutmegged his old man before the match began. Ice. Cold.
Things would get better for the elder Carrick, though. He went on to score the final goal in a 2–2 draw. Presumably to make up for the previous indignities.
FT: #MUFC '08 XI 2 Michael Carrick All-Stars 2. @Carras16 grabbed a late equaliser to cap off an enjoyable testimonial at Old Trafford.
The last trophy Man United had never won, because it used to be beneath them
(Paul Pogba/Twitter)
“I don’t want to win the Europa League. It would be a big disappointment for me. I don’t want my players to feel the Europa League is our competition.”
—Jose Mourinho, July 2013
That’s what Jose Mourinho said after he reclaimed the Chelsea job from nemesis Rafa Benitez, who won the Europa League with the Blues less than a year after they won the Champions League under Roberto Di Matteo. And yet, when Mourinho won the Europa League with the once great Manchester United, beating Ajax’s team of minimum-wage earning 12 year olds 2–0 to claim their last-ditch spot in the Champions League, Mourinho celebrated like he just discovered a cure for cancer that also reverses male pattern baldness.
He even went so far as to insist on raising three fingers, referencing the Treble of Disappointment (the Community Shield, EFL Cup, and Europa League) that he won this season, which is very different from the actual treble Man United won in 1999 of the Premier League, FA Cup, and Champions League.
Arch Mourinho. Directing team to raise three fingers, forcing newspapers to celebrate United's "treble" on their back pages https://t.co/pFMJAoek7t
But after two years of embarrassment, Mourinho wasn’t satisfied with ending his superhuman trolling there. In his post-match interview, he added another dig at his rivals, who, unlike him, do not derive pleasure from crushing everyone’s capacity for enjoying the game and then getting a trophy for it at the end.
There are lot of poets in football but they don't win titles." José Mourinho on top form https://t.co/pLyUVAieqN
Though he would certainly prefer to be in the Champions League final, after what Mourinho has endured these last two seasons, this was a living dream for him. From the futile cries of hypocrisy aimed at him to scraping together an absurd claim of treble success to achieving his ultimate goal (Champions League qualification) in a roundabout manner to the jabs at managers who finished higher than him in the Premier League table and yet have nothing to show for it. This went as well as it possibly could have for him and that’s why he celebrated like it.
Meanwhile, an injured Zlatan Ibrahimovic treated the Europa League trophy the way a true champion should: By wearing it like a ridiculous shoe.
It’s been that kind of season for The Snacking One
The second year of Jose Mourinho’s own personal hell is coming to a close and though he still has the Europa League final to try and salvage some semblance of dignity, his unending misery has made it difficult for him to care about anything at all. So at his press conference on Friday, he placed more importance on eating his snacks than answer questions about how shamefully mediocre his team is from a roomful of people who enjoy needling him.
Watch:
If you come in between Mourinho & his lemon shortcake busquets…. You wait. https://t.co/w2lFl5XtpN
It only seemed like Celta Vigo were giving him a heart attack
(Man United/Twitter)
Prior to the second leg of Manchester United’s Europa League semifinal against Celta Vigo, Jose Mourinho called it “the most important match of our history.” As in, the most important match in Manchester United’s history. The same Manchester United that has won more titles than any other club in England.
That said, the match most definitely was important for Mourinho and Man United. They’re sixth in the Premier League and winning the Europa League is the last remaining hope at Champions League qualification they have this season. So with a 1–0 advantage from the first leg against a small club currently sitting 12th in La Liga, surely a tactical master like Jose Mourinho would employ an infallible plan to finish off his inferior opponent. And that he did. Here’s a step by step breakdown of how he did it:
Start Wayne Rooney: Having someone for Celta Vigo to pity will make them subconsciously not try as hard.
Have Zlatan Ibrahimovic place a threatening phone call to international teammate and Celta Vigo striker John Guidetti: Just give Guidetti something to think about whenever he has a clear chance on goal so he knows there will be Zlatsequences should be score.
Rely on Marouane Fellaini for an early goal: He only scored twice all season coming into the match, so obviously he was due.
Instruct team to channel the spirit of a group of unathletic children forced to play dodgeball in gym class under threat of being expelled from school: This is what the experts call a “winning mentality.”
Concede a goal in the 85th minute: This injection of added terror will instill the frenzied panic necessary to…
Have your best defender get sent off for hitting an opponent in the face: Celta Vigo’s goalscorer will also get sent off in the melee and they still need another goal. The red card means Eric Bailly will be banned for the final, but what team needs their best defender in a cup final anyway?
Let John Guidetti get the ball right in front of goal in the final seconds of injury time when one goal will end any chance at avoiding total and complete embarrassment this season: That pre-match phone call that put the fear of Zlod into Guidetti will make the difference here.
John Guidetti before the game: "I'm going to make sure Manchester is Blue" https://t.co/BaXNuxYRiN
Arsenal’s 2–0 win over Man United on Sunday not only ended the Red Devils’ 25-match unbeaten streak that could best be described as “an orgy of draws,” it also marked Arsene Wenger’s first win against Jose Mourinho in 13 attempts over his career.
As their personal rivalry has grown, Mourinho has reveled in his record against a man he once called a “specialist in failure.” But after Sunday’s match, Mourinho had very different things to say about Arsenal and Wenger. Things that might have sounded complimentary on the surface, but served a very specific purpose.
Mourinho said:
“The Arsenal fans, they are happy and I am happy for them.”
That’s so nice! Maybe this loss has finally humbled Jose Mourinho and convinced him that it’s time to make peace with his enemies. But wait, there’s more..
“It’s the first time I leave Highbury or the Emirates and they are happy. I left Highbury, they were crying. I left Emirates, they were crying. They were walking the streets with their heads low, so finally, today, they sing, the scarves, you know, it’s nice for them. It’s nice for them. Honestly. It’s nice for them.”
OK, now he’s starting to sound like a guy who just lost a Mario Kart race to a toddler who doesn’t know what any of the buttons do and can’t handle it.
“It’s a big club. It’s a big club. You think I enjoy the fact that a big club like Arsenal is not winning big trophies?”
Yes.
“I’m not enjoying that. Honestly.”
No one believes that, Jose. No one.
“Arsene Wenger is not a…a…small manager.”
The fact that he had to pause and build up the will to say that is telling.
“He’s a big manager.”
I’m 99% certain he’s referring to Wenger’s height here.
“So to have that record of winning so many matches, it’s something that is not normal. That’s not normal. Normal is win, lose, draw. It’s not normal.”
Translation: “One match doesn’t change the fact that I’ve beaten Wenger an abnormal amount of times.”
“And I really don’t care about it. I really don’t care about it.”
“I’m fine,” say the man with blood pouring from his nose.
“And today, there were no problems. We shook hands before the game, we shook hands after the game, and during the game I didn’t like what I never like: he puts too much pressure on the fourth official all the time. [Man United press officer ends press conference]”
And there it is. All that to work up to a parting shot about Wenger harassing the fourth official. He’s too afraid to go for a win against a top opponent away from home, but he still tries to take the high ground after losing. Truly a master at work.
Manchester United still haven't scored away against top-six opponents under Jose Mourinho. Five games, aggregate score 0-7.
Shocking revelations from the private writings of Jose Mourinho’s personal punching bag
On this week’s episode, hear EXCLUSIVE entries from the diary of tortured Man United defender Luke Shaw, plus our Dirty Tackles of the Week (we’re coming for you and your overpriced parking, Philadelphia Union owners), another round of True Are Ya? (Has Paulo Dybala really never been to a movie theater in his life?), binding decisions are made in Life Ref, and we advertise questionable products from Bayern Munich and Francesco Totti.
If you like the show, please subscribe and rate/review on your podcast app of choice. Also, consider helping us keep the pod alive with a contribution at Patreon.com/DirtyTackle. With your support, we’ll release weekly episodes and keep the childish, nonsensical, and occasionally funny football discussions rolling. Every little bit will help us improve the show and hopefully make your week slightly more tolerable.
The out of favor defender admits the extent of Mourinho’s torment
(Man United)
Manchester United defender Luke Shaw claims that manager Jose Mourinho has been stealing his lunches everyday for the last several months. Mourinho has not been shy with his public criticism of the 21-year-old, but the full extent of his treatment of Shaw has not been known until now.
“I understand that the boss wants me to do better, and I’m trying—I really am,” Shaw told reporters, his voice quivering. “But how am I supposed to concentrate when I’m always so hungry? Everyday the boss comes up to me at lunchtime, looks at my plate and says ‘Yoink!’ and takes it. He literally says ‘Yoink!’ every time he does it. Then he makes me sit there and watch him eat it. After a few bites he always says I made the wrong choice and then tosses it all out. I’m sure he’s just doing this to try and toughen me up, but it’s hard to be tough when you’re lacking proper nutrition.”
Former Man United physio Matt Radcliffe told ESPN FC that “some people would see [Mourinho’s public comments on Shaw] as bullying of a young player,” and Shaw’s admission will strengthen those claims.
“I started eating bigger breakfasts knowing that I wouldn’t have lunch, but that only slowed me down in training and made things worse,” Shaw continued. “Sometimes the other players would give me some of their food, but if the boss catches them, he threatens to sell them to Sunderland, so they don’t do it anymore.”
“All I want to do is play football and eat my lunch. Is that so much to ask?” Shaw then shouted, breaking down in tears.
When asked for comment, Jose Mourinho said, “Luke is eating his lunch with my mouth. That’s it. I cannot compare the way he eats to the way the other players eat, the way he commits to lunch, his ambition, his focus. He is a long way behind.”
Manchester United struggled to put away Rostov in the Europa League round of 16 and in the 73rd minute, Jose Mourinho figured out what the problem was: Marcos Rojo’s potassium deficiency. So to give his defender the boost he needed, Mourinho peeled a banana, handed it off to Ashley Young, when then gave it to Rojo.
Dispelling the myths of an FA Cup quarterfinal match
(Chelsea/Twitter)
Chelsea beat a 10-man Manchester United 1–0 at Stamford Bridge to advance to the FA Cup semifinals at Wembley. Though, for some, this may have been a case of the better and more disciplined team beating a tired and ill-prepared opponent, for many others there were several points of confusion that need to be cleared up.
Jose Mourinho is not a “Judas” to Chelsea—A small group of fans behind the benches decided to curse at Jose Mourinho and call him a “Judas,” apparently upset that he joined Man United after Chelsea sacked him for the second time. He responded by holding up three fingers and pointing to the pitch to remind them that he won three titles at Stamford Bridge.
After the match, he expanded on his hand gestures, saying “They can call me what they want. Until the moment they have a manager that wins four Premier Leagues for them, I’m the number one. When they have somebody that wins four Premier Leagues for them, I become number two. Until then Judas is number one.”
To be clear: Taking the best job available after the club you led to three league titles unceremoniously sacks you not once, but twice, doesn’t make someone a Judas. But all will surely be forgiven when Mourinho returns for his third spell with Chelsea in a few years.
2. Kicking Eden Hazard is not an effective tactical choice—I get why this might have been an attractive idea to Mourinho. With Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Wayne Rooney, and Anthony Martial all unavailable, his own attacking options were limited, and since Hazard was one of the players who completely disappeared last season, getting Mourinho sacked, I can see how kicking the shit out of him serves a vengeful purpose. But it backfired spectacularly. Ander Herrera was booked twice in a span of 15 minutes and was sent off before halftime. Plus it enraged Antonio Conte, and how are the officials supposed to be objective when they’re fearing for their lives?
After the match, Conte said “”We came to play football…but for 25 minutes it was impossible for Eden Hazard to play, because he was kicked. It could be a tactic. I think everyone saw this… Sometimes when you play against a player with a good talent you try to intimidate this player. I think that the referee must protect this type of player.” And when faced with the choice of protecting Hazard or getting eaten like a human meat pie by Antonio Conte, the referee clearly agreed.
3. We don’t have to obsessively mention Paul Pogba’s price tag every time he has a bad match—With the omnipotent exception of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, players often don’t prove their value for a new club in a different league until their second year there, no matter how much they cost. This is something everyone should know at this point. And yet, whenever Pogba has a bad match in his first season back in the Premier League after four in Italy, his transfer fee gets parroted and unfavorably compared as if Man United paid €105 million explicitly for that one match and that one match only.
Remember when Man United signed David De Gea? During his first season with the club, he was mercilessly skewered and written off as one of the worst goalkeepers of all time. Now he’s the only reason Man United didn’t lose this match by more.
Only De Gea could save PS2 games without a memory card
4. N’Golo Kante is not “equivalent to two midfielders,” he’s just one really good N’Golo Kante and he not only deserves the next Ballon d’Or, but all the ones Messi and Ronaldo have already won should be handed over to him out of respect for his undervalued contributions*—He’s also definitely better than Ander Herrera.
*The second half of this statement technically isn’t a fact, but a correct opinion.
5. Marcos Rojo was lucky not to get sent off—Clearly the officials let this slide in an attempt to cover for their anti-Man United agenda. Or something.
Zlatan once again proves that he is football’s greatest philanthropist
(Zlatan Ibrahimovic/Instagram)
It’s been a difficult period for Manchester United since Sir Alex Ferguson’s retirement as Premier League champion in 2013. They’re now on their third manager in four years and finished fifth in the league last season, missing out on Champions League qualification. Despite these uncertain times, Zlatan Ibrahimovic still demonstrated his unparalleled generosity by signing with the club on a free transfer last summer.
At 35 years old, Zlatan only has precious few years left as a footballer. Still at the top of his game, he could’ve gone anywhere he desired to enjoy his remaining years and carry on his pursuit of an elusive Champions League title after stockpiling trophies and scoring a career high 50 goals with PSG last season. And yet, he chose to forego his Champions League dream and look past his dim view of English football to try and resurrect Man United in their time of despair.
Zlatan’s efforts in this charitable pursuit have been tireless. Though Man United are still just sixth in the Premier League (one man can only do so much—even if that one man is Zlatan), Zlatan leads the team with 26 goals while already racking up a team high 38 appearances (again, he’s 35). Two of those goals came in the EFL Cup final, where Zlatan squashed a valiant two-goal comeback from Southampton to win 3–2, giving the League Cup to Man United for the first time in seven years despite his teammates’ inability to properly support him.
After the match, Zlatan reminded Paul Pogba and the rest of the world that he joined the beleaguered club on a free transfer. So that his gift to the club would not go unnoticed.
Paul Pogba "That's why we bought him" Zlatan "Bought me? I came for free. They bought you" ??? pic.twitter.com/GVFq1sD6NG
Even Jose Mourinho—someone who would take credit for yeast causing bread to rise—said that Zlatan was difference in the match. He told Sky Sports (via ESPNFC):
“I think, honestly, he won the game for us.
“He was outstanding in a match where our opponent was better than us for long periods of the game. I think they deserved to go to extra time.”
While there are many footballers who donate both their time and portions of their considerable wealth to many noble causes around the world, Zlatan has taken on the most difficult act of selflessness of all: overcoming the past embarrassments of David Moyes and Louis van Gaal, and the continually awkward presence of the likes of Wayne Rooney and Marouane Fellaini to restore one of the planet’s richest football clubs to their former glory. And his supreme altruism is already bearing fruit that he so honorably shares with those who would only toil in misery without him.
There’s no “I” in “team,” but there is a “Z” in “amazing.”
