Tag: Manchester United

Conspiracy Theory: Louis van Gaal behind Old Trafford evacuation to prolong his Man Utd stay

Manchester United’s final match of the Premier League season had to be abandoned and Old Trafford evacuated due to a “suspicious device” found in a bathroom at the stadium prior to kickoff. Once it was decided that it wasn’t the product of Wayne Rooney’s gastrointestinal system, the item was detonated in a controlled explosion and ruled to be “an incredibly realistic-looking explosive device,” according to the Greater Manchester Police. It also happened to be “a training device which had accidentally been left by a private company following a training exercise involving explosive search dogs.”

This raises the question: of all the things to leave behind, how could this company possibly leave one of their fake explosives? Well, maybe they didn’t.

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Louis van Gaal attempts to declare his entire Man United reign an April Fools’ prank

Louis van Gaal used his April 1 press conference to attempt to claim that everything he’s done in his nearly two full seasons as manager of Manchester United has been part of an elaborate April Fools’ Day prank.

Van Gaal walked into the press room at the club’s training complex and immediately shouted the words “April Fools’!” When asked what he was referring to, the Dutchman said “Everything!” When he saw that no one in the room believed him, he muttered “Damn, I thought that might work.” He then added, “It was worth a try.”

After an awkward, prolonged silence, the gathered journalists moved forward with their questioning of Van Gaal as if his strange outburst never happened. Not taking the hint, Van Gaal answered each of their questions simply by saying “April Fools’!”

The journalists quickly tired of his routine and stopped asking him questions all together. Van Gaal then slammed his fists on the table, shouted “Fine!” and marched towards the door.

Finally, he turned around pointed at everyone in the room and said, “You’re all the April Fools! And May Fools and June Fools!” Then he left.

Those present all agreed that it was Van Gaal’s least embarrassing interaction with the press since arriving in Manchester.

Future News: Marouane Fellaini admits belief that opponents’ heads are filled with candy

Manchester United midfielder/desperation striker Marouane Fellaini has admitted to a long-held belief that opposing footballers’ heads are filled with candy, prompting his intense desire to elbow it free. His teammates informed him that this isn’t the case after losing to rivals Liverpool by an aggregate score of 3-1.

“Ever since I first saw a piñata, I have always been convinced that my opponents heads also contain sweet, delicious candy,” said Fellaini, who was booked for elbowing Liverpool defender Dejan Lovren in the second leg of the tie. “I like candy. I like candy a lot. But when I tried to bring a large stick onto the pitch for a match, they wouldn’t let me. So ever since I’ve just tried to bash their heads open with my elbows so the candy can come out and I can have it.”

The Belgian added: “I’ve had teammates try to convince me that this isn’t true in the past, but I never believed them. I just thought they were trying to keep more candy for themselves. But I now accept that this isn’t the case and I apologize for trying to elbow the non-existent candy out of opposing players for so long.”

Though Fellaini has backed off of this belief, he says that he has developed a new theory about embattled Man United manager Louis van Gaal.

“Van Gaal’s head has to be filled with candy,” Fellaini said. “Of that I am certain. I mean, it’s the only way you can explain all of this — me playing as a striker, the things he says, the players he’s brought in. If that’s not the mark of a man with candy for brains, then I don’t know what is.”

Asked if he will now stop elbowing opponents in the head after coming to terms with the truth and apologizing for his actions, Fellaini said, “What? No. Why would I?”

Man United player driven to training by his mother

While his teammates drive themselves to training in Bentleys and Range Rovers, 19-year-old Cameron Borthwick-Jackson got a ride from his mother on Wednesday. In her Volvo.

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Louis van Gaal nearly blinds himself during Man United win over Shrewsbury

Even in the fleeting moments when things go right for Manchester United this season, they still hold nuggets of embarrassment for Louis van Gaal. While attempting to take a sip of water during Man United’s 3-0 win over Shrewsbury Town in the FA Cup, Van Gaal forgot that he also had a pencil in his hand and nearly stabbed himself in the eye with it.

Momentarily stunned by the sneaky self-attack, Van Gaal rubbed his face to make sure he didn’t mark himself up. Naturally, the whole incident was caught on camera and broadcast to everyone watching the match at home.

I know Man United have been tough to watch this season, but this isn’t the answer, Louis. You’re going to need both your eyes to find the door on your way out.